Chapter VIII
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Alexey Alexandrovitch had seen nothing
striking or improper in the fact that his wife was sitting with
Vronsky at a table apart, in eager conversation with him about
something. But he noticed that to the rest of the party this
appeared something striking and improper, and for that reason it
seemed to him too to be improper. He made up his mind that he must
speak of it to his wife.
On reaching home Alexey Alexandrovitch went to his
study, as he usually did, seated himself in his low chair, opened a
book on the Papacy at the place where he had laid the paper-knife
in it, and read till one o’clock, just as he usually did. But from
time to time he rubbed his high forehead and shook his head, as
though to drive away something. At his usual time he got up and
made his toilet for the night. Anna Arkadyevna had not yet come in.
With a book under his arm he went up-stairs. But this evening,
instead of his usual thoughts and meditations upon official
details, his thoughts were absorbed by his wife and something
disagreeable connected with her. Contrary to his usual habit, he
did not get into bed, but fell to walking up and down the rooms
with his hands clasped behind his back. He could not go to bed,
feeling that it was absolutely needful for him first to think
thoroughly over the position that had just arisen.
When Alexey Alexandrovitch had made up his mind
that he must talk to his wife about it, it had seemed a very easy
and simple matter. But now, when he began to think over the
question that had just presented itself, it seemed to him very
complicated and difficult.
Alexey Alexandrovitch was not jealous. Jealousy
according to his notions was an insult to one’s wife, and one ought
to have confidence in one’s wife. Why one ought to have
confidence—that is to say, complete conviction that his young wife
would always love him—he did not ask himself. But he had had no
experience of lack of confidence, because he had confidence in her,
and told himself that he ought to have it. Now, though his
conviction, that jealousy was a shameful feeling and that one ought
to feel confidence, had not broken down, he felt that he was
standing face to face with something illogical and irrational, and
did not know what was to be done. Alexey Alexandrovitch was
standing face to face with life, with the possibility of his wife’s
loving some one other than himself, and this seemed to him very
irrational and incomprehensible because it was life itself. All his
life Alexey Alexandrovitch had lived and worked in official
spheres, having to do with the reflection of life. And every time
he had stumbled against life itself he had shrunk away from it. Now
he experienced a feeling akin to that of a man who, while calmly
crossing a precipice by a bridge, should suddenly discover that the
bridge is broken, and that there is a chasm below. That chasm was
life itself, the bridge that artificial life in which Alexey
Alexandrovitch had lived. For the first time the question presented
itself to him of the possibility of his wife’s loving some one
else, and he was horrified at it.
He did not undress, but walked up and down with his
regular tread over the resounding parquet of the dining-room, where
one lamp was burning, over the carpet of the dark drawing-room, in
which the light was reflected on the big new portrait of himself
hanging over the sofa, and across her boudoir, where two candles
burned, lighting up the portraits of her parents and woman friends,
and the pretty knick-knacks of her writing-table, that he knew so
well. He walked across her boudoir to the bedroom door, and turned
back again. At each turn in his walk, especially at the parquet of
the lighted dining-room, he halted and said to himself, “Yes, this
I must decide and put a stop to; I must express my view of it and
my decision.” And he turned back again. “But express what—what
decision?” he said to himself in the drawing-room, and he found no
reply. “But after all,” he asked himself before turning into the
boudoir, “what has occurred? Nothing. She was talking a long while
with him. But what of that? Surely women in society can talk to
whom they please. And then, jealousy means lowering both myself and
her,” he told himself as he went into her boudoir; but this dictum,
which had always had such weight with him before, had now no weight
and no meaning at all. And from the bedroom door he turned back
again; but as he entered the dark drawing-room some inner voice
told him that it was not so, and that if others noticed it that
showed that there was something. And he said to himself again in
the dining-room, “Yes, I must decide and put a stop to it, and
express my view of it. . . .” And again at the turn in the
drawing-room he asked himself, “Decide how?” And again he asked
himself, “What had occurred?” and answered, “Nothing,” and
recollected that jealousy was a feeling insulting to his wife; but
again in the drawing-room he was convinced that something had
happened. His thoughts, like his body, went round a complete
circle, without coming upon anything new. He noticed this, rubbed
his forehead, and sat down in her boudoir.
There, looking at her table, with the malachite
blotting-case lying at the top and an unfinished letter, his
thoughts suddenly changed. He began to think of her, of what she
was thinking and feeling. For the first time he pictured vividly to
himself her personal life, her ideas, her desires, and the idea
that she could and should have a separate life of her own seemed to
him so alarming that he made haste to dispel it. It was the chasm
which he was afraid to peep into. To put himself in thought and
feeling in another person’s place was a spiritual exercise not
natural to Alexey Alexandrovitch. He looked on this spiritual
exercise as a harmful and dangerous abuse of the fancy.
“And the worst of it all,” thought he, “is that
just now, at the very moment when my great work is approaching
completion” (he was thinking of the project he was bringing forward
at the time), “when I stand in need of all my mental peace and all
my energies, just now this stupid worry should fall foul of me. But
what’s to be done? I’m not one of those men who submit to
uneasiness and worry without having the force of character to face
them.”
“I must think it over, come to a decision, and put
it out of my mind,” he said aloud.
“The question of her feelings, of what has passed
and may be passing in her soul, that’s not my affair; that’s the
affair of her conscience, and falls under the head of religion,” he
said to himself, feeling consolation in the sense that he had found
to which division of regulating principles this new circumstance
could be properly referred.
“And so,” Alexey Alexandrovitch said to himself,
“questions as to her feelings, and so on, are questions for her
conscience, with which I can have nothing to do. My duty is clearly
defined. As the head of the family, I am a person bound in duty to
guide her, and consequently, in part the person responsible; I am
bound to point out the danger I perceive, to warn her, even to use
my authority. I ought to speak plainly to her.” And everything that
he would say to-night to his wife took clear shape in Alexey
Alexandrovitch’s head. Thinking over what he would say, he somewhat
regretted that he should have to use his time and mental powers for
domestic consumption, with so little to show for it, but, in spite
of that, the form and contents of the speech before him shaped
itself as clearly and distinctly in his head as a ministerial
report.
“I must say and express fully the following points:
first, exposition of the value to be attached to public opinion and
to decorum; secondly, exposition of religious significance of
marriage; thirdly, if need be, reference to the calamity possibly
ensuing to our son; fourthly, reference to the unhappiness likely
to result to herself.” And, interlacing his fingers, Alexey
Alexandrovitch stretched them, and the joints of the fingers
cracked. This trick, a bad habit, the cracking of his fingers,
always soothed him, and gave precision to his thoughts, so needful
to him at this juncture.
There was the sound of a carriage driving up to the
front door. Alexey Alexandrovitch halted in the middle of the
room.
A woman’s step was heard mounting the stairs.
Alexey Alexandrovitch, ready for his speech, stood compressing his
crossed fingers, waiting to see if the crack would not come again.
One joint cracked.
Already, from the sound of light steps on the
stairs, he was aware that she was close, and though he was
satisfied with his speech, he felt frightened of the explanation
confronting him.