Chapter XXXI
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Intensely as Anna had longed to see her
son, and long as she had been thinking of it and preparing herself
for it, she had not in the least expected that seeing him would
affect her so deeply. On getting back to her lonely rooms in the
hotel she could not for a long while understand why she was there.
“Yes, it’s all over, and I am again alone,” she said to herself,
and without taking off her hat she sat down in a low chair by the
hearth. Fixing her eyes on a bronze clock standing on a table
between the windows, she tried to think.
The French maid brought from abroad came in to
suggest she should dress. She gazed at her wonderingly and said,
“Presently.” A footman offered her coffee. “Later on,” she
said.
The Italian nurse, after having taken the baby out
in her best, came in with her, and brought her to Anna. The plump,
well-fed little baby, on seeing her mother, as she always did, held
out her fat little hands, and with a smile on her toothless mouth,
began, like a fish with a float, bobbing her fingers up and down
the starched folds of her embroidered skirt, making them rustle. It
was impossible not to smile, not to kiss the baby, impossible not
to hold out a finger for her to clutch, crowing and prancing all
over; impossible not to offer her a lip which she sucked into her
little mouth by way of a kiss. And all this Anna did, and took her
in her arms and made her dance, and kissed her fresh little cheek
and bare little elbows; but at the sight of this child it was
plainer than ever to her that the feeling she had for her could not
be called love in comparison with what she felt for Seryozha.
Everything in this baby was charming, but for some reason all this
did not go deep to her heart. On her first child, though the child
of an unloved father, had been concentrated all the love that had
never found satisfaction. Her baby girl had been born in the most
painful circumstances and had not had a hundredth part of the care
and thought which had been concentrated on her first child.
Besides, in the little girl everything was still in the future,
while Seryozha was by now almost a personality ; and a personality
dearly loved. In him there was a conflict of thought and feeling;
he understood her, he loved her, he judged her, she thought,
recalling his words and his eyes. And she was forever—not
physically only but spiritually—divided from him, and it was
impossible to set this right.
She gave the baby back to the nurse, let her go,
and opened the locket in which there was Seryozha’s portrait when
he was almost of the same age as the girl. She got up, and, taking
off her hat, took up from a little table an album in which there
were photographs of her son at different ages. She wanted to
compare them, and began taking them out of the album. She took them
all out except one, the latest and best photograph. In it he was in
a white smock, sitting astride a chair, with frowning eyes and
smiling lips. It was his best, most characteristic expression. With
her little supple hands, her white, delicate fingers, that moved
with a peculiar intensity to-day, she pulled at a corner of the
photograph, but the photograph had caught somewhere, and she could
not get it out. There was no paper-knife on the table, and so,
pulling out the photograph that was next to her son’s (it was a
photograph of Vronsky taken at Rome in a round hat and with long
hair), she used it to push out her son’s photograph. “Oh, here is
he!” she said, glancing at the portrait of Vronsky, and she
suddenly recalled that he was the cause of her present misery. She
had not once thought of him all the morning. But now, coming all at
once upon that manly, noble face, so familiar and so dear to her,
she felt a sudden rush of love for him.
“But where is he? How is it he leaves me alone in
my misery?” she thought all at once with a feeling of reproach,
forgetting she had herself kept from him everything concerning her
son. She sent to ask him to come to her immediately; with a
throbbing heart she awaited him, rehearsing to herself the words in
which she would tell him all, and the expressions of love with
which he would console her. The messenger returned with the answer
that he had a visitor with him, but that he would come immediately,
and that he asked whether she would let him bring with him Prince
Yashvin, who had just arrived in Petersburg. “He’s not coming
alone, and since dinner yesterday he has not seen me,” she thought;
“he’s not coming so that I could tell him everything, but coming
with Yashvin.” And all at once a strange idea came to her: what if
he had ceased to love her?
And going over the events of the last few days, it
seemed to her that she saw in everything a confirmation of this
terrible idea. The fact that he had not dined at home yesterday,
and the fact that he had insisted on their taking separate sets of
rooms in Petersburg, and that even now he was not coming to her
alone, as though he were trying to avoid meeting her face to
face.
“But he ought to tell me so. I must know that it is
so. If I knew it, then I know what I should do,” she said to
herself, utterly unable to picture to herself the position she
would be in if she were convinced of his not caring for her. She
thought he had ceased to love her, she felt close upon despair, and
consequently she felt exceptionally alert. She rang for her maid
and went to her dressing-room. As she dressed, she took more care
over her appearance than she had done all those days, as though he
might, if he had grown cold to her, fall in love with her again
because she had dressed and arranged her hair in the way most
becoming to her.
She heard the bell ring before she was ready. When
she went into the drawing-room it was not he, but Yashvin, who met
her eyes. Vronsky was looking through the photographs of her son,
which she had forgotten on the table, and he made no haste to look
round at her.
“We have met already,” she said, putting her little
hand into the huge hand of Yashvin, whose bashfulness was so
queerly out of keeping with his immense frame and coarse face. “We
met last year at the races. Give them to me,” she said, with a
rapid movement snatching from Vronsky the photographs of her son,
and glancing significantly at him with flashing eyes. “Were the
races good this year? Instead of them I saw the races in the Corso
in Rome. But you don’t care for life abroad,” she said with a
cordial smile. “I know you and all your tastes, though I have seen
so little of you.”
“I’m awfully sorry for that, for my tastes are
mostly bad,” said Yashvin, gnawing at his left mustache.
Having talked a little while, and noticing that
Vronsky glanced at the clock, Yashvin asked her whether she would
be staying much longer in Petersburg, and unbending his huge figure
reached after his cap.
“Not long, I think,” she said hesitatingly,
glancing at Vronsky.
“So then we shan’t meet again?”
“Come and dine with me,” said Anna resolutely,
angry it seemed with herself for her embarrassment, but flushing as
she always did when she defined her position before a fresh person.
“The dinner here is not good, but at least you will see him. There
is no one of his old friends in the regiment Alexey cares for as he
does for you.”
“Delighted,” said Yashvin with a smile, from which
Vronsky could see that he liked Anna very much.
Yashvin said good-bye and went away; Vronsky stayed
behind.
“Are you going too?” she said to him.
“I’m late already,” he answered. “Run along! I’ll
catch you up in a moment,” he called to Yashvin.
She took him by the hand, and without taking her
eyes off him, gazed at him while she ransacked her mind for the
words to say that would keep him.
“Wait a minute, there’s something I want to say to
you,” and taking his broad hand she pressed it on her neck. “Oh,
was it right my asking him to dinner?”
“You did quite right,” he said with a serene smile
that showed his even teeth, and he kissed her hand.
“Alexey, you have not changed to me?” she said,
pressing his hand in both of hers. “Alexey, I am miserable here.
When are we going away?”
“Soon, soon. You wouldn’t believe how disagreeable
our way of living here is to me too,” he said, and he drew away his
hand.
“Well, go, go!” she said in a tone of offense, and
she walked quickly away from him.