Chatter XXVI
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Never before had a day been passed in
quarrel. To-day was the first time. And this was not a quarrel. It
was the open acknowledgment of complete coldness. Was it possible
to glance at her as he had glanced when he came into the room for
the guarantee?—to look at her, see her heart was breaking with
despair, and go out without a word with that face of callous
composure? He was not merely cold to her, he hated her because he
loved another woman—that was clear.
And remembering all the cruel words he had said,
Anna supplied, too, the words that he had unmistakably wished to
say and could have said to her, and she grew more and more
exasperated.
“I won’t prevent you,” he might say. “You can go
where you like. You were unwilling to be divorced from your
husband, no doubt so that you might go back to him. Go back to him.
If you want money, I’ll give it to you. How many roubles do you
want?”
All the most cruel words that a brutal man could
say, he said to her in her imagination, and she could not forgive
him for them, as though he had actually said them.
“But didn’t he only yesterday swear he loved me,
he, a truthful and sincere man? Haven’t I despaired for nothing
many times already?” she said to herself afterwards.
All that day, except for the visit to Wilson’s,
which occupied two hours, Anna spent in doubts whether everything
were over or whether there were still hope of reconciliation,
whether she should go away at once or see him once more. She was
expecting him the whole day, and in the evening, as she went to her
own room, leaving a message for him that her head ached, she said
to herself, “If he comes in spite of what the maid says, it means
that he loves me still. If not, it means that all is over, and then
I will decide what I’m to do! ...”
In the evening she heard the rumbling of his
carriage stop at the entrance, his ring, his steps and his
conversation with the servant; he believed what was told him, did
not care to find out more, and went to his own room. So then
everything was over.
And death rose clearly and vividly before her mind
as the sole means of bringing back love for her in his heart, of
punishing him and of gaining the victory in that strife which the
evil spirit in possession of her heart was waging with him.
Now nothing mattered: going or not going to
Vozdvizhenskoe, getting or not getting a divorce from her
husband—all that did not matter. The one thing that mattered was
punishing him. When she poured herself out her usual dose of opium,
and thought that she had only to drink off the whole bottle to die,
it seemed to her so simple and easy, that she began musing with
enjoyment on how he would suffer, and repent and love her memory
when it would be too late. She lay in bed with open eyes, by the
light of a single burned-down candle, gazing at the carved cornice
of the ceiling and at the shadow of the screen that covered part of
it, while she vividly pictured to herself how he would feel when
she would be no more, when she would be only a memory to him. “How
could I say such cruel things to her?” he would say. “How could I
go out of the room without saying anything to her? But now she is
no more. She has gone away from us forever. She is...” Suddenly the
shadow of the screen wavered, pounced on the whole cornice, the
whole ceiling; other shadows from the other side swooped to meet
it, for an instant the shadows flitted back, but then with fresh
swiftness they darted forward, wavered, commingled, and all was
darkness. “Death!” she thought. And such horror came upon her that
for a long while she could not realize where she was, and for a
long while her trembling hands could not find the matches and light
another candle, instead of the one that had burned down and gone
out. “No, anything—only to live! Why, I love him! Why, he loves me!
This has been before and will pass,” she said, feeling that tears
of joy at the return to life were trickling down her cheeks. And to
escape from her panic she went hurriedly to his room.
He was asleep there, and sleeping soundly. She went
up to him, and holding the light above his face, she gazed a long
while at him. Now when he was asleep, she loved him so that at the
sight of him she could not keep back tears of tenderness. But she
knew that if he waked up he would look at her with cold eyes,
convinced that he was right, and that before telling him of her
love, she would have to prove to him that he had been wrong in his
treatment of her. Without waking him, she went back, and after a
second dose of opium she fell towards morning into a heavy,
incomplete sleep, during which she never quite lost
consciousness.
In the morning she was waked by a horrible
nightmare, which had recurred several times in her dreams, even
before her connection with Vronsky. A little old man with unkempt
beard was doing something bent down over some iron, muttering
meaningless French words, and she, as she always did in this
nightmare (it was what made the horror of it), felt that this
peasant was taking no notice of her, but was doing something
horrible with the iron—over her. And she waked up in a cold
sweat.
When she got up, the previous day came back to her
as though veiled in mist.
“There was a quarrel. Just what has happened
several times. I said I had a headache, and he did not come in to
see me. To-morrow we’re going away; I must see him and get ready
for the journey,” she said to herself. And learning that he was in
his study, she went down to him. As she passed through the
drawing-room she heard a carriage stop at the entrance, and looking
out of the window she saw the carriage, from which a young girl in
a lilac hat was leaning out giving some direction to the footman
ringing the bell. After a parley in the hall, some one came
up-stairs, and Vronsky’s steps could be heard passing the
drawing-room. He went rapidly down-stairs. Anna went again to the
window. She saw him come out onto the steps without his hat and go
up to the carriage. The young girl in the lilac hat handed him a
parcel. Vronsky, smiling, said something to her. The carriage drove
away, he ran rapidly up-stairs again.
The mists that had shrouded everything in her soul
parted suddenly. The feelings of yesterday pierced the sick heart
with a fresh pang. She could not understand now how she could have
lowered herself by spending a whole day with him in his house. She
went into his room to announce her determination.
“That was Madame Sorokina and her daughter. They
came and brought me the money and the deeds from maman. I couldn’t
get them yesterday. How is your head, better?” he said quietly, not
wishing to see and to understand the gloomy and solemn expression
of her face.
She looked silently, intently at him, standing in
the middle of the room. He glanced at her, frowned for a moment,
and went on reading a letter. She turned, and went deliberately out
of the room. He still might have turned her back, but she had
reached the door, he was still silent, and the only sound audible
was the rustling of the note-paper as he turned it.
“Oh, by the way,” he said at the very moment she
was in the doorway, “we’re going to-morrow for certain, aren’t
we?”
“You, but not I,” she said, turning round to
him.
“Anna, we can’t go on like this ...”
“You, but not I,” she repeated.
“This is getting unbearable!”
“You ... you will be sorry for this,” she said, and
went out. Frightened by the desperate expression with which these
words were uttered, he jumped up and would have run after her, but
on second thoughts he sat down and scowled, setting his teeth. This
vulgar—as he thought it—threat of something vague exasperated him.
“I’ve tried everything,” he thought; “the only thing left is not to
pay attention,” and he began to get ready to drive into town, and
again to his mother’s to get her signature to the deeds.
She heard the sound of his steps about the study
and the dining-room. At the drawing-room he stood still. But he did
not turn in to see her, he merely gave an order that the horse
should be given to Voytov if he came while he was away. Then she
heard the carriage brought round, the door opened, and he came out
again. But he went back into the porch again, and some one was
running up-stairs. It was the valet running up for his gloves that
had been forgotten. She went to the window and saw him take the
gloves without looking, and touching the coachman on the back he
said something to him. Then without looking up at the window he
settled himself in his usual attitude in the carriage, with his
legs crossed, and drawing on his gloves he vanished round the
corner.