Chapter XXIX
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“Come, it’s all over, and thank God!” was
the first thought that came to Anna Arkadyevna, when she had said
good-bye for the last time to her brother, who had stood blocking
up the entrance to the carriage till the third bell rang. She sat
down on her lounge beside Annushka, and looked about her in the
twilight of the sleeping-carriage. “Thank God! to-morrow I shall
see Seryozha and Alexey Alexandrovitch, and my life will go on in
the old way, all nice and as usual.”
Still in the same anxious frame of mind, as she had
been all that day, Anna took pleasure in arranging herself for the
journey with great care. With her little deft hands she opened and
shut her little red bag, took out a cushion, laid it on her knees,
and carefully wrapping up her feet, settled herself comfortably. An
invalid lady had already lain down to sleep. Two other ladies began
talking to Anna, and a stout elderly lady tucked up her feet, and
made observations about the heating of the train. Anna answered a
few words, but not foreseeing any entertainment from the
conversation, she asked Annushka to get a lamp, hooked it onto the
arm of her seat, and took from her bag a paper-knife and an English
novel.1 At first
her reading made no progress. The fuss and bustle were disturbing;
then when the train had started, she could not help listening to
the noises; then the snow beating on the left window and sticking
to the pane, and the sight of the muffled guard passing by, covered
with snow on one side, and the conversations about the terrible
snowstorm raging outside, distracted her attention. Farther on, it
was continually the same again and again: the same shaking and
rattling, the same snow on the window, the same rapid transitions
from steaming heat to cold, and back again to heat, the same
passing glimpses of the same figures in the twilight, and the same
voices, and Anna began to read and to understand what she read.
Annushka was already dozing, the red bag on her lap, clutched by
her broad hands, in gloves, of which one was torn. Anna Arkadyevna
read and understood; but it was distasteful to her to read, that
is, to follow the reflection of other people’s lives. She had too
great a desire to live herself. If she read that the heroine of the
novel was nursing a sick man, she longed to move with noiseless
steps about the room of a sick man; if she read of a member of
Parliament making a speech, she longed to be delivering the speech;
if she read of how Lady Mary had ridden after the hounds, and had
provoked her sister-in-law, and had surprised every one by her
boldness, she too wished to be doing the same. But there was no
chance of doing anything; and twisting the smooth paper-knife in
her little hands, she forced herself to read.
The hero of the novel was already almost reaching
his English happiness, a baronetcy and an estate, and Anna was
feeling a desire to go with him to the estate, when she suddenly
felt that he ought to feel ashamed, and that she was ashamed of the
same thing. But what had he to be ashamed of? “What have I to be
ashamed of?” she asked herself in injured surprise. She laid down
the book and sank against the back of the chair, tightly gripping
the paper-cutter in both hands. There was nothing. She went over
all her Moscow recollections. All were good, pleasant. She
remembered the ball, remembered Vronsky and his face of slavish
adoration, remembered all her conduct with him: there was nothing
shameful. And for all that, at the same point in her memories, the
feeling of shame was intensified, as though some inner voice, just
at the point when she thought of Vronsky, were saying to her,
“Warm, very warm, hot.” “Well, what is it?” she said to herself
resolutely, shifting her seat in the lounge. “What does it mean? Am
I afraid to look it straight in the face? Why, what is it? Can it
be that between me and this officer boy there exist, or can exist,
any other relations than such as are common with every
acquaintance?” She laughed contemptuously and took up her book
again; but now she was definitely unable to follow what she read.
She passed the paper-knife over the windowpane, then laid its
smooth, cool surface to her cheek, and almost laughed aloud at the
feeling of delight that all at once without cause came over her.
She felt as though her nerves were strings being strained tighter
and tighter on some sort of screwing peg. She felt her eyes opening
wider and wider, her fingers and toes twitching nervously,
something within oppressing her breathing, while all shapes and
sounds seemed in the uncertain half-light to strike her with
unaccustomed vividness. Moments of doubt were continually coming
upon her, when she was uncertain whether the train were going
forwards or backwards, or were standing still altogether; whether
it were Annushka at her side or a stranger. “What’s that on the arm
of the chair, a fur cloak or some beast? And what am I myself?
Myself or some other woman?” She was afraid of giving way to this
delirium. But something drew her towards it, and she could yield to
it or resist it at will. She got up to rouse herself, and slipped
off her plaid and the cape of her warm dress. For a moment she
regained her self-possession, and realized that the thin peasant
who had come in wearing a long overcoat, with buttons missing from
it, was the stoveheater, that he was looking at the thermometer,
that it was the wind and snow bursting in after him at the door;
but then everything grew blurred again. . . . That peasant with the
long waist seemed to be gnawing something on the wall, the old lady
began stretching her legs the whole length of the carriage, and
filling it with a black cloud; then there was a fearful shrieking
and banging, as though some one were being torn to pieces; then
there was a blinding dazzle of red fire before her eyes and a wall
seemed to rise up and hide everything. Anna felt as though she were
sinking down. But it was not terrible, but delightful. The voice of
a man muffled up and covered with snow shouted something in her
ear. She got up and pulled herself together ; she realized that
they had reached a station and that this was the guard. She asked
Annushka to hand her the cape she had taken off and her shawl, put
them on and moved towards the door.
“Do you wish to get out?” asked Annushka.
“Yes, I want a little air. It’s very hot in here.”
And she opened the door. The driving snow and the wind rushed to
meet her and struggled with her over the door. But she enjoyed the
struggle.
She opened the door and went out. The wind seemed
as though lying in wait for her; with gleeful whistle it tried to
snatch her up and bear her off, but she clung to the cold
door-post, and holding her skirt got down onto the platform and
under the shelter of the carriages. The wind had been powerful on
the steps, but on the platform, under the lee of the carriages,
there was a lull. With enjoyment she drew deep breaths of the
frozen, snowy air, and standing near the carriage looked about the
platform and the lighted station.