Chapter XXXI
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Running half-way down the staircase, Levin
caught a sound he knew, a familiar cough in the hall. But he heard
it indistinctly through the sound of his own footsteps, and hoped
he was mistaken. Then he caught sight of a long, bony, familiar
figure, and now it seemed there was no possibility of mistake; and
yet he still went on hoping that this tall man taking off his fur
cloak and coughing was not his brother Nikolay.
Levin loved his brother, but being with him was
always a torture. Just now, when Levin, under the influence of the
thoughts that had come to him, and Agafea Mihalovna’s hint, was in
a troubled and uncertain humor, the meeting with his brother that
he had to face seemed particularly difficult. Instead of a lively,
healthy visitor, some outsider who would, he hoped, cheer him up in
his uncertain humor, he had to see his brother, who knew him
through and through, who would call forth all the thoughts nearest
his heart, would force him to show himself fully. And that he was
not disposed to do.
Angry with himself for so base a feeling, Levin ran
into the hall; as soon as he had seen his brother close, this
feeling of selfish disappointment vanished instantly and was
replaced by pity. Terrible as his brother Nikolay had been before
in his emaciation and sickliness, now he looked still more
emaciated, still more wasted. He was a skeleton covered with
skin.
He stood in the hall, jerking his long thin neck,
and pulling the scarf off it, and smiled a strange and pitiful
smile. When he saw that smile, submissive and humble, Levin felt
something clutching at his throat.
“You see, I’ve come to you,” said Nikolay in a
thick voice, never for one second taking his eyes off his brother’s
face. “I’ve been meaning to a long while, but I’ve been unwell all
the time. Now I’m ever so much better,” he said, rubbing his beard
with his big thin hands.
“Yes, yes!” answered Levin. And he felt still more
frightened when, kissing him, he felt with his lips the dryness of
his brother’s skin and saw close to him his big eyes, full of a
strange light.
A few weeks before, Konstantin Levin had written to
his brother that through the sale of the small part of the
property, that had remained undivided, there was a sum of about two
thousand roubles to come to him as his share.
Nikolay said that he had come now to take this
money and, what was more important, to stay a while in the old
nest, to get in touch with the earth, so as to renew his strength
like the heroes of old1 for the
work that lay before him. In spite of his exaggerated stoop, and
the emaciation that was so striking from his height, his movements
were as rapid and abrupt as ever. Levin led him into his
study.
His brother, dressed with particular care—a thing
he never used to do—combed his scanty, lank hair, and, smiling,
went up-stairs.
He was in the most affectionate and good-humored
mood, just as Levin often remembered him in childhood. He even
referred to Sergey Ivanovitch without rancor. When he saw Agafea
Mihalovna, he made jokes with her and asked after the old servants.
The news of the death of Parfen Denisitch made a painful impression
on him. A look of fear crossed his face, but he regained his
serenity immediately.
“Of course he was quite old,” he said, and changed
the subject. “Well, I’ll spend a month or two with you, and then
I’m off to Moscow. Do you know, Myakov has promised me a place
there, and I’m going into the service. Now I’m going to arrange my
life quite differently,” he went on. “You know I got rid of that
woman.”
“Marya Nikolaevna? Why, what for?”
“Oh, she was a horrid woman! She caused me all
sorts of worries.” But he did not say what the annoyances were. He
could not say that he had cast off Marya Nikolaevna because the tea
was weak, and, above all, because she would look after him, as
though he were an invalid.
“Besides, I want to turn over a new leaf completely
now. I’ve done silly things, of course, like every one else, but
money’s the last consideration ; I don’t regret it. So long as
there’s health, and my health, thank God, is quite restored.”
Levin listened and racked his brains, but could
think of nothing to say. Nikolay probably felt the same; he began
questioning his brother about his affairs; and Levin was glad to
talk about himself, because then he could speak without hypocrisy.
He told his brother of his plans and his doings.
His brother listened, but evidently he was not
interested by it.
These two men were so akin, so near each other,
that the slightest gesture, the tone of voice, told both more than
could be said in words.
Both of them now had only one thought—the illness
of Nikolay and the nearness of his death—which stifled all else.
But neither of them dared to speak of it, and so whatever they
said—not uttering the one thought that filled their minds—was all
falsehood. Never had Levin been so glad when the evening was over
and it was time to go to bed. Never with any outside person, never
on any official visit had he been so unnatural and false as he was
that evening. And the consciousness of this unnaturalness, and the
remorse he felt at it, made him even more unnatural. He wanted to
weep over his dying, dearly loved brother, and he had to listen and
keep on talking of how he meant to live.
As the house was damp, and only one bedroom had
been kept heated, Levin put his brother to sleep in his own bedroom
behind a screen.
His brother got into bed, and whether he slept or
did not sleep, tossed about like a sick man, coughed, and when he
could not get his throat clear, mumbled something. Sometimes when
his breathing was painful, he said, “Oh, my God!” Sometimes when he
was choking he muttered angrily, “Ah, the devil!” Levin could not
sleep for a long while, hearing him. His thoughts were of the most
various, but the end of all his thoughts was the same—death. Death,
the inevitable end of all, for the first time presented itself to
him with irresistible force. And death, which was here in this
loved brother, groaning half asleep and from habit calling without
distinction on God and the devil, was not so remote as it had
hitherto seemed to him. It was in himself too, he felt that. If not
today, to-morrow, if not to-morrow, in thirty years, wasn’t it all
the same! And what was this inevitable death—he did not know, had
never thought about it, and what was more, had not the power, had
not the courage to think about it.
“I work, I want to do something, but I had
forgotten it must all end; I had forgotten—death.”
He sat on his bed in the darkness, crouched up,
hugging his knees, and holding his breath from the strain of
thought, he pondered. But the more intensely he thought, the
clearer it became to him that it was indubitably so, that in
reality, looking upon life, he had forgotten one little fact—that
death will come, and all ends; that nothing was even worth
beginning, and that there was no helping it anyway. Yes, it was
awful, but it was so.
“But I am alive still. Now what’s to be done?
what’s to be done?” he said in despair. He lighted a candle, got up
cautiously and went to the looking-glass, and began looking at his
face and hair. Yes, there were gray hairs about his temples. He
opened his mouth. His back teeth were beginning to decay. He bared
his muscular arms. Yes, there was strength in them. But Nikolay,
who lay there breathing with what was left of lungs, had had a
strong, healthy body too. And suddenly he recalled how they used to
go to bed together as children, and how they only waited till
Fyodor Bogdanitch was out of the room to fling pillows at each
other and laugh, laugh irrepressibly, so that even their awe of
Fyodor Bogdanitch could not check the effervescing, overbrimming
sense of life and happiness. “And now that bent, hollow chest . . .
and I, not knowing what will become of me, or wherefore . .
.”
“K . . . ha! K . . . ha! Damnation! Why do you keep
fidgeting, why don’t you go to sleep?” his brother’s voice called
to him.
“Oh, I don’t know; I’m not sleepy.”
“I have had a good sleep, I’m not in a sweat now.
Just see, feel my shirt; it’s all wet, isn’t it?”
Levin felt, withdrew behind the screen, and put out
the candle, but for a long while he could not sleep. The question
how to live had hardly begun to grow a little clearer to him, when
a new, insoluble question presented itself—death.
“Why, he’s dying—yes, he’ll die in the spring, and
how help him? What can I say to him? What do I know about it? I’d
even forgotten that it was at all.”