Chapter XXVIII
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It was bright and sunny. A fine rain had
been falling all the morning, and now it had not long cleared up.
The iron roofs, the flags of the roads, the flints of the
pavements, the wheels and leather, the brass and the tinplate of
the carriages—all glistened brightly in the May sunshine. It was
three o’clock, and the very liveliest time in the streets.
As she sat in a corner of the comfortable carriage,
that hardly swayed on its supple springs, while the grays trotted
swiftly, in the midst of the unceasing rattle of wheels and the
changing impressions in the pure air, Anna ran over the events of
the last days, and she saw her position quite differently from how
it had seemed at home. Now the thought of death seemed no longer so
terrible and so clear to her, and death itself no longer seemed so
inevitable. Now she blamed herself for the humiliation to which she
had lowered herself. “I entreat him to forgive me. I have given in
to him. I have owned myself in fault. What for? Can’t I live
without him?” And leaving unanswered the question how she was going
to live without him, she fell to reading the signs on the shops.
“Office and warehouse. Dental surgeon. Yes, I’ll tell Dolly all
about it. She doesn’t like Vronsky. I shall be sick and ashamed,
but I’ll tell her. She loves me, and I’ll follow her advice. I
won’t give in to him; I won’t let him train me as he pleases.
Filippov, bun-shop. They say they send their dough to Petersburg.
The Moscow water is so good for it. Ah, the springs at Mitishtchen,
and the pancakes!”
And she remembered how, long, long ago, when she
was a girl of seventeen, she had gone with her aunt to Troitsa.
“Riding, too. Was that really me, with red hands? How much that
seemed to me then splendid and out of reach has become worthless,
while what I had then has gone out of my reach forever! Could I
ever have believed then that I could come to such humiliation? How
conceited and self-satisfied he will be when he gets my note! But I
will show him.... How horrid that paint smells! Why is it they’re
always painting and building? Modes et robes,” she read. A
man bowed to her. It was Annushka’s husband. “Our parasites” ; she
remembered how Vronsky had said that. “Our? Why our? What’s so
awful is that one can’t tear up the past by its roots. One can’t
tear it out, but one can hide one’s memory of it. And I’ll hide
it.” And then she thought of her past with Alexey Alexandrovitch,
of how she had blotted the memory of it out of her life. “Dolly
will think I’m leaving my second husband, and so I certainly must
be in the wrong. As if I cared to be right! I can’t help it!” she
said, and she wanted to cry. But at once she fell to wondering what
those two girls could be smiling about. “Love, most likely. They
don’t know how dreary it is, how low ... The boulevard and the
children. Three boys running, playing at horses. Seryozha! And I’m
losing everything and not getting him back. Yes, I’m losing
everything, if he doesn’t return. Perhaps he was late for the train
and has come back by now. Longing for humiliation again!” she said
to herself. “No, I’ll go to Dolly, and say straight out to her, I’m
unhappy, I deserve this, I’m to blame, but still I’m unhappy, help
me. These horses, this carriage—how loathsome I am to myself in
this carriage—all his; but I won’t see them again.”
Thinking over the words in which she would tell
Dolly, and mentally working her heart up to great bitterness, Anna
went up-stairs.
“Is there any one with her?” she asked in the
hall.
“Katerina Alexandrovna Levin,” answered the
footman.
“Kitty! Kitty, whom Vronsky was in love with!”
thought Anna, “the girl he thinks of with love. He’s sorry he
didn’t marry her. But me he thinks of with hatred, and is sorry he
had anything to do with me.”
The sisters were having a consultation about
nursing when Anna called. Dolly went down alone to see the visitor
who had interrupted their conversation.
“Well, so you’ve not gone away yet? I meant to have
come to you,” she said; “I had a letter from Stiva to-day.”
“We had a telegram too,” answered Anna, looking
round for Kitty.
“He writes that he can’t make out quite what Alexey
Alexandrovitch wants, but he won’t go away without a decisive
answer.”
“I thought you had some one with you. Can I see the
letter?”
“Yes; Kitty,” said Dolly, embarrassed. “She stayed
in the nursery. She has been very ill.”
“So I heard. May I see the letter?”
“I’ll get it directly. But he doesn’t refuse; on
the contrary, Stiva has hopes,” said Dolly, stopping in the
doorway.
“I haven’t, and indeed I don’t wish it,” said
Anna.
“What’s this? Does Kitty consider it degrading to
meet me?” thought Anna when she was alone. “Perhaps she’s right,
too. But it’s not for her, the girl who was in love with Vronsky,
it’s not for her to show me that, even if it is true. I know that
in my position I can’t be received by any decent woman. I knew that
from the first moment I sacrificed everything to him. And this is
my reward! Oh, how I hate him! And what did I come here for? I’m
worse here, more miserable.” She heard from the next room the
sisters’ voices in consultation. “And what am I going to say to
Dolly now? Amuse Kitty by the sight of my wretchedness, submit to
her patronizing? No; and besides, Dolly wouldn’t understand. And it
would be no good my telling her. It would only be interesting to
see Kitty, to show her how I despise every one and everything, how
nothing matters to me now.”
Dolly came in with the letter. Anna read it and
handed it back in silence.
“I knew all that,” she said, “and it doesn’t
interest me in the least.”
“Oh, why so? On the contrary, I have hopes,” said
Dolly, looking inquisitively at Anna. She had never seen her in
such a strangely irritable condition. “When are you going away?”
she asked.
Anna, half-closing her eyes, looked straight before
her and did not answer.
“Why does Kitty shrink from me?” she said, looking
at the door and flushing red.
“Oh, what nonense! She’s nursing, and things aren’t
going right with her, and I’ve been advising her.... She’s
delighted. She’ll be here in a minute,” said Dolly awkwardly, not
clever at lying. “Yes, here she is.”
Hearing that Anna had called, Kitty had wanted not
to appear, but Dolly persuaded her. Rallying her forces, Kitty went
in, walked up to her, blushing, and shook hands.
“I am so glad to see you,” she said with a
trembling voice.
Kitty had been thrown into confusion by the inward
conflict between her antagonism to this bad woman and her desire to
be nice to her. But as soon as she saw Anna’s lovely and attractive
face, all feeling of antagonism disappeared.
“I should not have been surprised if you had not
cared to meet me. I’m used to everything. You have been ill? Yes,
you are changed,” said Anna.
Kitty felt that Anna was looking at her with
hostile eyes. She ascribed this hostility to the awkward position
in which Anna, who had once patronized her, must feel with her now,
and she felt sorry for her.
They talked of Kitty’s illness, of the baby, of
Stiva, but it was obvious that nothing interested Anna.
“I came to say good-bye to you,” she said, getting
up.
“Oh, when are you going?”
But again not answering, Anna turned to
Kitty.
“Yes, I am very glad to have seen you,” she said
with a smile. “I have heard so much of you from every one, even
from your husband. He came to see me, and I liked him exceedingly,”
she said, unmistakably with malicious intent. “Where is he?”
“He has gone back to the country,” said Kitty,
blushing.
“Remember me to him, be sure you do.”
“I’ll be sure to!” Kitty said naïvely, looking
compassionately into her eyes.
“So good-bye, Dolly.” And kissing Dolly and shaking
hands with Kitty, Anna went out hurriedly.
“She’s just the same and just as charming! She’s
very lovely!” said Kitty, when she was alone with her sister. “But
there’s something piteous about her. Awfully piteous!”
“Yes, there’s something unusual about her to-day,”
said Dolly. “When I went with her into the hall, I fancied she was
almost crying.”