Chapter XX
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Alexey Alexandrovitch took leave of Betsy
in the drawing-room, and went to his wife. She was lying down, but
hearing his steps she sat up hastily in her former attitude, and
looked in a scared way at him. He saw she had been crying.
“I am very grateful for your confidence in me.” He
repeated gently in Russian the phrase he had said in Betsy’s
presence in French, and sat down beside her. When he spoke to her
in Russian, using the Russian “thou” of intimacy and affection, it
was insufferably irritating to Anna. “And I am very grateful for
your decision. I, too, imagine that since he is going away, there
is no sort of necessity for Count Vronsky to come here. However, if
. . .”
“But I’ve said so already, so why repeat it?” Anna
suddenly interrupted him with an irritation she could not succeed
in repressing. “No sort of necessity,” she thought, “for a man to
come and say good-bye to the woman he loves, for whom he was ready
to ruin himself, and has ruined himself, and who cannot live
without him. No sort of necessity!” She compressed her lips, and
dropped her burning eyes to his hands with their swollen veins.
They were rubbing each other.
“Let us never speak of it,” she added more
calmly.
“I have left this question to you to decide, and I
am very glad to see . . .” Alexey Alexandrovitch was
beginning.
“That my wish coincides with your own,” she
finished quickly, exasperated at his talking so slowly while she
knew beforehand all he would say.
“Yes,” he assented; “and Princess Tverskaya’s
interference in the most difficult private affairs is utterly
uncalled for. She especially . . .”
“I don’t believe a word of what’s said about her,”
said Anna quickly. “I know she really cares for me.”
Alexey Alexandrovitch sighed and said nothing. She
played nervously with the tassel of her dressing-gown, glancing at
him with that torturing sensation of physical repulsion for which
she blamed herself, though she could not control it. Her only
desire now was to be rid of his oppressive presence.
“I have just sent for the doctor,” said Alexey
Alexandrovitch.
“I am very well; what do I want the doctor
for?”
“No, the little one cries, and they say the nurse
hasn’t enough milk.”
“Why didn’t you let me nurse her, when I begged to?
Anyway” (Alexey Alexandrovitch knew what was meant by that
“anyway”), “she’s a baby, and they’re killing her.” She rang the
bell and ordered the baby to be brought her. “I begged to nurse
her, I wasn’t allowed to, and now I’m blamed for it.”
“I don’t blame . . .”
“Yes, you do blame me! My God! why didn’t I die!”
And she broke into sobs. “Forgive me, I’m nervous, I’m unjust,” she
said, controlling herself, “but do go away . . .”
“No, it can’t go on like this,” Alexey
Alexandrovitch said to himself decidedly as he left his wife’s
room.
Never had the impossibility of his position in the
world’s eyes, and his wife’s hatred of him, and altogether the
might of that mysterious brutal force that guided his life against
his spiritual inclinations, and exacted conformity with its decrees
and change in his attitude to his wife, been presented to him with
such distinctness as that day. He saw clearly that all the world
and his wife expected of him something, but what exactly, he could
not make out. He felt that this was rousing in his soul a feeling
of anger destructive of his peace of mind and of all the good of
his achievement. He believed that for Anna herself it would be
better to break off all relations with Vronsky; but if they all
thought this out of the question, he was even ready to allow these
relations to be renewed, so long as the children were not
disgraced, and he was not deprived of them nor forced to change his
position. Bad as this might be, it was anyway better than a
rupture, which would put her in a hopeless and shameful position,
and deprive him of everything he cared for. But he felt helpless;
he knew beforehand that every one was against him, and that he
would not be allowed to do what seemed to him now so natural and
right, but would be forced to do what was wrong, though it seemed
the proper thing to them.