Chapter XIII
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There are no conditions to which a man
cannot become used, especially if he sees that all around him are
living in the same way. Levin could not have believed three months
before that he could have gone quietly to sleep in the condition in
which he was that day, that leading an aimless, irrational life,
living too beyond his means, after drinking to excess (he could not
call what happened at the club anything else), forming
inappropriately friendly relations with a man with whom his wife
had once been in love, and a still more inappropriate call upon a
woman who could only be called a lost woman, after being fascinated
by that woman and causing his wife distress—he could still go
quietly to sleep. But under the influence of fatigue, a sleepless
night, and the wine he had drunk, his sleep was sound and
untroubled.
At five o’clock the creak of a door opening waked
him. He jumped up and looked round. Kitty was not in bed beside
him. But there was a light moving behind the screen, and he heard
her steps.
“What is it? ... what is it?” he said, half-asleep.
“Kitty! What is it?”
“Nothing,” she said, coming from behind the screen
with a candle in her hand. “I felt unwell,” she said, smiling a
particularly sweet and meaning smile.
“What? has it begun?” he said in terror. “We ought
to send ...” and hurriedly he reached after his clothes.
“No, no,” she said, smiling and holding his hand.
“It’s sure to be nothing. I was rather unwell, only a little. It’s
all over now.”
And getting into bed, she blew out the candle, lay
down and was still. Though he thought her stillness suspicious, as
though she were holding her breath, and still more suspicious the
expression of peculiar tenderness and excitement with which, as she
came from behind the screen, she said “nothing,” he was so sleepy
that he fell asleep at once. Only later he remembered the stillness
of her breathing, and understood all that must have been passing in
her sweet, precious heart while she lay beside him, not stirring,
in anticipation of the greatest event in a woman’s life. At seven
o’clock he was waked by the touch of her hand on his shoulder, and
a gentle whisper. She seemed struggling between regret at waking
him, and the desire to talk to him.
“Kostya, don’t be frightened. It’s all right. But I
fancy ... We ought to send for Lizaveta Petrovna.”
The candle was lighted again. She was sitting up in
bed, holding some knitting, which she had been busy upon during the
last few days.
“Please, don’t be frightened, it’s all right. I’m
not a bit afraid,” she said, seeing his scared face, and she
pressed his hand to her bosom and then to her lips.
He hurriedly jumped up, hardly awake, and kept his
eyes fixed on her, as he put on his dressing-gown; then he stopped,
still looking at her. He had to go, but he could not tear himself
from her eyes. He thought he loved her face, knew her expression,
her eyes, but never had he seen it like this. How hateful and
horrible he seemed to himself, thinking of the distress he had
caused her yesterday. Her flushed face, fringed with soft curling
hair under her night-cap, was radiant with joy and courage.
Though there was so little that was complex or
artificial in Kitty’s character in general, Levin was struck by
what was revealed now, when suddenly all disguises were thrown off
and the very kernel of her soul shone in her eyes. And in this
simplicity and nakedness of her soul, she, the very woman he loved
in her, was more manifest than ever. She looked at him, smiling;
but all at once her brows twitched, she threw up her head, and
going quickly up to him, clutched his hand and pressed close up to
him, breathing her hot breath upon him. She was in pain and was, as
it were, complaining to him of her suffering. And for the first
minute, from habit, it seemed to him that he was to blame. But in
her eyes there was a tenderness that told him that she was far from
reproaching him, that she loved him for her sufferings. “If not I,
who is to blame for it?” he thought unconsciously, seeking some one
responsible for this suffering for him to punish; but there was no
one responsible. She was suffering, complaining, and triumphing in
her sufferings, and rejoicing in them, and loving them. He saw that
something sublime was being accomplished in her soul, but what? He
could not make it out. It was beyond his understanding.
“I have sent to mamma. You go quickly to fetch
Lizaveta Petrovna Kostya! ... Nothing, it’s over.”
She moved away from him and rang the bell.
“Well, go now; Pasha’s coming. I am all
right.”
And Levin saw with astonishment that she had taken
up the knitting she had brought in in the night and begun working
at it again.
As Levin was going out of one door, he heard the
maid-servant come in at the other. He stood at the door and heard
Kitty giving exact directions to the maid, and beginning to help
her move the bedstead.
He dressed, and while they were putting in his
horses, as a hired sledge was not to be seen yet, he ran again up
to the bedroom, not on tiptoe, it seemed to him, but on wings. Two
maid-servants were carefully moving something in the bedroom.
Kitty was walking about knitting rapidly and giving
directions.
“I’m going for the doctor. They have sent for
Lizaveta Petrovna, but I’ll go on there too. Isn’t there anything
wanted? Yes, shall I go to Dolly’s?”
She looked at him, obviously not hearing what he
was saying.
“Yes, yes. Do go,” she said quickly, frowning and
waving her hand to him.
He had just gone into the drawing-room, when
suddenly a plaintive moan sounded from the bedroom, smothered
instantly. He stood still, and for a long while he could not
understand.
“Yes, that is she,” he said to himself, and
clutching at his head he ran down-stairs.
“Lord have mercy on us! pardon us! aid us!” he
repeated the words that for some reason came suddenly to his lips.
And he, an unbeliever, repeated these words not with his lips only.
At that instant he knew that all his doubts, even the impossibility
of believing with his reason, of which he was aware in himself, did
not in the least hinder his turning to God. All of that now floated
out of his soul like dust. To whom was he to turn if not to Him in
whose hands he felt himself, his soul, and his love?
The horse was not yet ready, but feeling a peculiar
concentration of his physical forces and his intellect on what he
had to do, he started off on foot without waiting for the horse,
and told Kouzma to overtake him.
At the corner he met a night cabman driving
hurriedly. In the little sledge, wrapped in a velvet cloak, sat
Lizaveta Petrovna with a kerchief round her head. “Thank God! thank
God!” he said, overjoyed to recognize her little fair face which
wore a peculiarly serious, even stern expression. Telling the
driver not to stop, he ran along beside her.
“For two hours, then? Not more?” she inquired. “You
should let Pyotr Dmitrievitch know, but don’t hurry him. And get
some opium at the chemist’s.”
“So you think that it may go on well? Lord have
mercy on us and help us!” Levin said, seeing his own horse driving
out of the gate. Jumping into the sledge beside Kouzma, he told him
to drive to the doctor’s.