How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
Synchronizing Voice
Voice accounts for 38% of face-to-face communication. It reflects how a person is feeling; in other words, his or her attitude. People who are confused will sound confused, and people with a curious attitude will sound curious. You can learn to synchronize these sounds.
Tone. Notice the emotions conveyed by the tone of voice. Tune in to these emotions, get a feel for them and use the same tone.
Volume. Does the other person speak in a quiet voice or a loud voice? The value of synchronizing volume is not so much in doing it, but more in what can happen if you don't do it. If you are naturally loud and excitable and you meet someone who is more soft-spoken and reserved, it goes without saying that the other person would feel much more at ease with someone who spoke in the same tender tones. Conversely, a jovial, backslapping loudmouth would surely find lots of common ground with someone who radiated a comparable degree of exuberance.
Speed. Does the other person speak quickly or slowly? A thoughtful, slow-speaking individual can be completely unsettled or flummoxed by a speed talker, just as much as a slow, ponderous talker can drive a quick thinker to the point of distraction. Talking at the same speed as someone else makes as much sense as walking at the same speed.
Pitch. Does the voice go up and down? Voice pitch is one way to change someone's energy level. When you raise pitch and volume, you become more excited. When you lower them, you become calmer, right down to the intimacy of a whisper.
Rhythm. Is the voice flowing or disjointed? Some people have a melodic way of speaking, while others have a more pragmatic, methodical output.
Words. There is yet one more powerful area we can synchronize, and that is the use of a person's preferred words. We will be covering this fascinating world in Chapter 9.
Synchronizing allows you to deeply identify with other people and get a better understanding of where they're coming from. Practice synchronization in all your activities, whether you're in an interview, at a bus stop, dealing with your children, calming an unhappy customer, or talking to the teller at the bank, the flower seller, the barman at the pub. You're not likely to run out of partners. Make it a part of your life for the next few days until you are competent without tryinguntil it becomes second nature.
were first with the eye contact and first with the smile.
You introduced yourself, and miracle of miracles three seconds have gone by and you can still remember the other person's name. You've begun synchronizing, and you feel confident that rapport is building.
But now what?
It's conversation time! Conversation is one very significant way to build rapport and forge the bonds of friendship. It comes in two equally important parts: talking and listening. Or, as you'll soon see, asking questions and actively listening.
You may have found yourself in a situation where you wanted to talk to someone but suddenly felt tonguetied and self-conscious about doing so. Or maybe you've felt your stomach sink as you take your seat on an airplane next to some interesting-looking person and can't think of a way to start talking without feeling self-conscious. What will they think of me? Am I boring?
Am I intruding? And most important: How shall I start? The idea is to get the other person talking, then find out what matters to him or her and synchronize yourself accordingly. This is the realm of small talk, the hunting ground for rapport. It is here that you will search for common interests and other stepping-stones to rapport. While big talk is serious stuff like nuclear disarmament and politics, small talk is everything else: your personal Web site, renovating the bathroom, a speeding ticket or the color of cousin Marisa's new sports car.
Stop talking and start asking!
onversation is how we open other people up to see what's inside, to deliver a message, or both. And questions are the spark plugs of conversation. Be aware, however, that there are two types of questions: those that open people up and those that close them down. Questions work with incredible ease and the results are virtually guaranteed, so be sure you know which is which.
Here's the difference. Open questions request an explanation and thus require the other person to do the talking. Closed questions elicit a “yes” or “no” response. The problem with closed questions is that once you've been given a response, you're back where you started and you'll have to think of another question to maintain some semblance of conversation.
A simple formula for striking up a conversation: Begin with a statement about the location or occasion, then ask an open question.
It's a good idea to precede an open question with an opening statement. The best type of rapport-inducing statement is one linked to something you already have in common with the other person: the meeting or party you're attending, some fascinating current eventeven the weather will do in a pinch! We call this a location/ occasion statement. Examples include: “What an elegant room.” “Look at all that food.” “It was a wonderful service.” “My wife knows a few of your piano pieces by heart.” “He never knew what hit him.” That sort of thing.
Next comes the open question: “Where do you think those vases came from?” “How well did you know him?” The very fact that your question is open will guarantee that you quickly receive free information.
Use opening-up words. Good conversation is like a leisurely game of tennis with the words being pitched backward and forward for as long as there is mutual interest. When the words go off the court, it's time to serve again. An open question is the equivalent of a wellaimed serve.
Open questions begin with one of six conversationgenerating words: Who? When? What? Why? Where? How? These words invite an explanation, an opinion or a feeling: “How do you know that?” “Who told you?” “Where do you think this information comes from?” “When did you come to that conclusion?” “Why should I be interested?” “What good do these words do?” They assist us in establishing rapport and making connections because they oblige the other person to start talking and begin opening up.
You can boost these conversation generators by adding sensory specific verbs: see, tell and feel. In doing this, you're asking the person to go into his or her imagination and bring out something personal to show you. “Where do you see yourself by this time next year?” “Tell me why you decided on Bali for your vacation.” “How do you feel about calamari?”
Avoid closing-down words. These words will have you playing tennis all on your own against a brick wall. The opposite of opening-up words are these interrogatives: Are you . . . ? Do you . . . ? Have you .. . ?
In other words, any questioning forms of the verbs “to be,” “to have” and “to do” will close off your chances of rapport-inducing conversation. They elicit a one-word reply: “yes” or “no.” Then what? You have to ask another question. You're going nowhere:
“Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Do you come here often?” “No.” “Have you ever thought how wonderful it would be to just drop everything and go bungee jumping in the middle of the afternoon?”
“Yes.”
“Did you realize that no matter how long and interesting you make your questions, if they begin with closingdown words you're more than likely going to end up with a one-word answer?”
“Oh.”
For one whole day, do nothing but ask questions and answer questions with a question. For variety, ask only open questions. You'll soon get the idea.
In fairness, closing-down words do have their place police, customs officials and certain other regulators of the people are taught to use them to get “straight” answers. However, I'd like to remind any of you who have had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of this type of “conversation” that it probably didn't make you like the person in 90 seconds or less!
There are times when you find yourself suddenly thrust into the presence of someone who's just too good to pass up. These delicious moments seem to coincide with the exact second that your brain freezes over and you go gaga: Help, what do I say? What do I do? Where shall I look? What will people think? Keep going with this line of self-questioning and you'll get the sweats, a palpitating heart, a beet-red face and goofy body language.
The easiest of these situations is when the two of you are thrust together: sitting next to each other on a train, plane or bus; riding in an elevator; waiting in a Laundromat or the lobby of a hotel; working in adjacent booths at a trade show; or checking out the fruit to see if it's ripe at the same counter at your local supermarket. In these situations, you already have quite a bit in common with which to work.
“Hi,” “Hello” and “Good morning,” accompanied by a smile, are all good ways to begin and a great way to get feedback. A returned smile is a good indication that you're on the right track. Keep it simple and unimposing; keep it courteous, happy and light. Don't get too close and personal right up front, or you might get excluded. You want people to say to their friends, “I met this really nice guy this morning,” not “This disgusting pervert tried to hit on me.”
Once you're sure the other person is responding favorably to the interaction, you can try some more specific opening lines. Not surprisingly, an opening line works better if it's an open question, but you may not always be able to find one that sounds natural. Some times you might have to start with a closed question or a location/occasion statement: “Do you know what time this bank closes today?” or “Phew, that's quite a storm.” So make sure you have an open question ready for the follow-up in case all you get in response is a yes or no.
Below are some examples of “openers” to try once you've said hello or exchanged smiles. Precede them all with a location/occasion statement.
Anywhere
Where are you from? I've never been there. What's it like? How did you end up here?
On a train, plane or bus
How long are you going to be in Duluth/Stratford/ Majorca?
Where are you from?
Have you always lived there? If yes, try: I've never been there. What's it like? If no, then: So where else have you lived?
How long will you be traveling for?
What do you think of Amtrak/Air Italia/these new Greyhound buses?
An interesting aside: When meeting someone for the first time, North Americans tend to ask, “What do you do?” whereas Europeans prefer “Where are you from?”
At the supermarket
If you're both standing in the fresh-fish line, staring at a pasta display or checking out avocados, you already have something in common.
How can you figure out if there are enough mussels in that bag for two people?
Can you tell me the difference between fresh pasta and the stuff in a packet?
How can I tell if these are ripe?
Do you know where they keep the bags for the produce?
Have you ever tried this kind of sauce/frozen dessert/ mushroom before? Ifyes, then: How does it taste?/What is it like? If no: Is there another kind that you'd recommend?
How long would you cook a chicken this big?
I forgot to pick up some pickled octopus. Do you mind saving my place in line? (This can be a good icebreaker because you'll have an excuse to chat when you get backif only about the octopus. Don't be gone long, though,oryou'llriskannoyingtheotherparty.)
In a hotel/motel lobby
Do you know where I can I get a map?
Have you stayed here before? If yes: What's it like? If no: Neither have I. So how did you come to choose this hotel? Do you know this city at all? Ifyes: I've got only one day here. What do you think is a must-see? If no: So what brings you here?
At a convention
So where are you from? What seminars have really grabbed you so far? Do you know of any good restaurants outside of the hotel? What did you think of the keynote speaker? I'm going to get a coffee. Can I bring you one, too?
(Note: This gambit works in countless situations as a way to sound out other people's level of interest. Usually, if they're not interested, they will refuse your offer. If they accept, it often means they're willing to interact further.)
At the Laundromat
Where can you get change around here?
Do you know where I can buy some postage stamps/ orange juice/cat food?
I'm going to get a coffeecan I bring you one, too?
(See above.)
Does it really matter if you mix whites and colors?
In line at a movie/play/concert
Why did you pick this movie/play/concert?
So are you here to see Neve Campbell or what's her name, the other star?
What did you think of the actor/author/performer's last film/play/CD?
In a long waiting line: Can you save my place so I can get a coffee? Can I get you one?
At an exhibition/museum/trade show/county fair
Wow, what do you think of that? Do you know where the vintage locomotives are? What's your favorite event/display/ride so far? Have you seen the giant pumpkin yet?
Walking your dog or watching others walk theirs
He's adorable. What breed is he? Great leash. Where did you get it? So what are Chihuahuas really like, anyway? Tip: Dog owners often end up socializing in public places, but don't get a dog unless you truly love animals!
Running into someone you're familiar with but have never plucked up the courage to talk to
Hi, I have a couple of tickets to a play/the circus/ a recital, and I was wondering if you'd like to join me.
Hi, I'm really nervous but I'd love to buy you a coffee.
In all of these situations, give the other person about three chances to interact. If after three questions or comments, he or she is clearly not responding enthusiastically, don't make a pest of yourself. Disentangle graciously by saying something simple like “Have a nice day,” “Enjoy the show,” “Enjoy the rest of your flight/ trip/holiday,” or whatever else is appropriate.