How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
Communicating
Everyone seems to have a different sense of the word “communication,” but the definitions usually go something like this: “It's an exchange of information between two or more people“ . . . ”It's getting your message across“ ... ”It's being understood.”
In the early days of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), a research project devoted to “the study of excellence and a model of how individuals structure their subjective sensory experience,” Richard Bandler and John Grinder created an effective definition: “The meaning of communication lies in the response it gets.” This is simple, and brilliant, because it means that it's 100% up to you whether or not your own communication succeeds. After all, you axe the one with a message to deliver or a goal to achieve, and you are the one with the responsibility to make it happen. What's more, if it doesn't work, you are the one with the flexibility to change what you do until you finally get what you want. In order to give some form and function to communication here, let's assume that we have some kind of response or outcome in mind. People who are low on communication skills usually have not thought out the response they want from the other person in the first place and therefore cannot aim for it.
The skills you will learn here will serve you on all levels of communication from social dealings like developing new relationships and being understood in your daily interactions all the way to life-changing moves for yourself and those in your sphere of influence.
The formula for effective communication has three distinct parts:
Know what you want. Formulate your intention in the affirmative and preferably in the present tense. For example, “I want a successful relationship, I have filled my imagination with what that relationship will look, sound, feel, smell and taste like with me in it, and I know when I will have it” is an affirmative statement, as opposed to “I don't want to be lonely.”
Find out what you're getting. Get feedback. You find that hanging out in smoky bars is not for you.
Change what you do until you get what you want.
Design a plan and follow through with it: “I'll invite 10 people over for dinner every Saturday night.” Do it and get more feedback. Redesign if necessary, and do it again with more feedback. Repeat the cycleredesign-do-get feedbackuntil you get what you want. You can apply this cycle to any area of your life that you want to improvefinance, romance, sports, career, you name it.
Know what you want. Find out what you're getting. Change what you do until you get what you want.
This is terrifically easy to remember because a certain Colonel had the good sense to open a chain of restaurants using the abbreviation KFC for a name. Every time we see one of his signs, we can ask ourselves how well the development of our communication skills is going.
What's Coming Up ...
In the following chapters, we'll examine the arena of rapport in much more detail, as well as the value of a Really Useful Attitude in projecting a positive image of yourself. You'll learn what happens at first sight on the surface and below the surface and the importance of having your body language, your voice tone and your words be congruent, or all saying the same thing. No crossed signals, no mixed messages, no confusion. You'll discover how your body language appeals to some but not others and how, by making a few adjustments to your own movements, you can positively affect the way people feel about you.
Then we'll delve deep into the warm and welcoming world of synchrony. You'll learn how to align yourself with the signals other people send you so that they'll feel a natural familiarity and comfort around you. We'll also discuss the massive importance of voice tone and how it influences the moods and emotions we want to convey.
A whole chapter is devoted to starting and maintaining sparkling conversation. We'll explore all the ways to open people up and avoid closing them down. We'll also deal with compliments, obtaining free information and being memorable.
Finally we'll go even deeper, down to the very core of the human psyche. The astonishing truth is that although we navigate the world through our five senses, each of us has one sense that we rely on more than the other four. I'll show you how people are giving clues about their favorite sense all the time and how you can move onto the same sensory wavelength as theirs. Do people who rely mainly on their ears differ from those who rely mainly on their eyes? Darn right they do, and you'll find out how to tailor your approach to communicate with them.
Each chapter includes at least one exercise that will help you realize the power of connecting. Some of these exercises can be done alone, but others you have to do with a partner. Let's face it, face-to-face communication and rapport skills are interactive activitiesyou can't learn to do them all by yourself.
So there it is. Connecting. All day long, men, women and children give away vital keys to what makes them tickto how they experience and filter the world through their body language, their tone of voice, their eye movements and their choice of words. They simply cannot help doing this. Now it's up to you to learn how to use this wonderful, nonstop flood of information to achieve improved outcomes and more satisfying relationships.
done, the conversation flows, the cop tears up the ticket. But how often have you found yourself in a situation where, no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to connect with another person and it makes no sense? After all, you know you're a fine, decent human being. Maybe you're even a fabulous, wildly attractive human being. But no matter what you say or do, you don't establish rapport and you can't connect.
You're not alone. Being a decent sort is not enough to guarantee good rapport with another person. In the dictionary, “rapport” is defined as “harmonious or sympathetic communication.” In our interpersonal communications, we go through certain routines when we first meet a new person. If these routines work out and rapport is established, we can begin to deliver our communication with some certainty that it will be accepted and given serious consideration. Serious consideration is vital because the fundamental outcome of rapport is the perception of credibility, which in turn will lead to mutual trust. If credibility is not established, the messenger and not the message may become the focus of attention, and that attention will harbor discomfort.
But when we experience the world through the same eyes, ears and feelings as others, we are so bonded, or synchronized, with them that they can't help but know we understand them. This means being so much like them that they trust us and feel comfortable with us that they say to themselves subconsciously, “I don't know what it is about this person, but there's something I really like.”
Research has shown that we have approximately 90 seconds to make a favorable impression when we first meet someone. What happens in those 90 seconds can determine whether we succeed or fail at achieving rapport. In fact, frequently we have even less than 90 seconds!