How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
Smaller Gestures
Hand gestures are also part of the vocabulary of body language. They, too, can be divided into open gestures (positive responses) and closed or concealed gestures (negative responses), except that their range is far more intricate and expressive. I should point out that individual gestures, just like the individual words on this page, don't say much. Only when you're presented with more than one gesture, perhaps combined with an expression and topped off with some overall body language, can you deduce that a particular clenched fist means “Wow, my horse came in first!” and not “I'm so mad I want to slap him!”
A similar set of differences occurs in body language above the neck. The open face smiles, makes eye contact, gives feedback, shows curiosity and raises the eyebrows to show interest. In a casual encounter, a quick look and a lowering of the eyes says, “I trust you. I'm not afraid of you.” A prolonged look strengthens the positive signal. In conversation, we may use a nod of the head at the end of a statement to indicate that an answer is expected.
In contrast, the closed face frowns, purses the lips and avoids eye contact. And there is yet another negative category to add to facial responses. We politely call it the neutral, or expressionless, face. It's the one that just gawks at you like a dead trout. In the next chapter,
you'll find out how to react to this “non-face,” which can be very disconcerting if you don't know how to deal with it.
Frequently I look around at my audiences and recognize people who have heard me talk before. I recognize them because they have “the look of recognition” on their face when they see me. It's a look, or even an attitude, of silent anticipation that any minute I'll recognize them. Well, this look can work wondersfrom time to timewith people you haven't met before. If you're on your own, try it out right now. Let your mouth open slightly in a smile as your eyebrows arch and your head tilts back a little with anticipation as you look directly at an imaginary person. A variation is to tilt your head as you look slightly away and then look back at the person with the bare minimum of a frown and/or pursed lips. Practice. Then give it a try. Be as subtle as you possibly can.
Last spring, I rented a bus for my daughter and her friends to be chauffeured around in on the night of their prom. While I was paying at the rental office, I noticed a woman sitting at the next desk over. She had a look on her face that said she knew me, and I racked my brain to place her. I couldn't.
In the end I had to say, “I'm sorry, but have we met before?”
“No,” she replied seriously. Then she stood up at her
Classic flirting behavior involves letting someone know you like him or her and that you'd like to pursue it further. Not surprisingly, body language plays a huge part in this game, and even less surprisingly, so does eye contact. Dozens of little gestures are used to send out sexual messages: the tilt of the head, holding eye contact a little longer than normal, the angle of the hips and the hands through the hair. Glancing sideways is a gesture that can suggest doubt on its own, but combined with a slight smile and a narrowing of the eyes it is a powerful gesture of flirtation.
A man sends out signals with his swagger; a woman, by rolling her hips. A man loosens his tie ever so slightly; a woman moistens her lips. On and on, the parties convey their interest in each other through their stances, glances and postures until some small gesture synchronizes and sends the O.K.
desk, held out her hand to me and smiled. “Hi, I'm Natalie,” she said.
I had been obliged to speak first, and she had done the polite thing. She had stood up, offered her hand, smiled and introduced herself. All completely innocent or was it? I have no idea. But we had rapport, and she had me talking.
In 1967, Professor Albert Mehrabian, currently professor emeritus of psychology at UCLA, carried out the most widely quoted study on communication. He determined that believability depends on the consistency, or congruity, of three aspects of communication. In a paper titled “Decoding of Inconsistent Communication,” he reported the percentages of a message expressed through our different communication channels in this way: interestingly, 55% of what we respond to takes place visually; 38% of what we respond to is the sound
Rosa, a waitress, folds up the ad she's torn from a newspaper, clears off the table where her new computer will sit and leaves her apartment.
At the electronics store, as Rosa hovers over the latest desktop model from Megahype, a young salesman notices the ad in her hand and wanders over to her. He unbuttons his jacket, spreads his hands out, palms up, and looks her in the eye. “I see you found it already,” he says with a smile. “Hi, my name's Tony.”
For the next 10 minutes, a relaxed and sincere Tony talks to Rosa. He faces her with his hands exposed and leans forward from time to time as they discuss the features of the computer. Rosa listens with interest, her head tilted to one side and her hand on her cheek, as Tony offers to “throw in” $95 of extras and even agrees to “eat the tax.”
Finally, stroking her chin as she forms a decision, Rosa nods. “Yes,” she says, “this is the model for me.”
“Great,” says Tony, eagerly rubbing his palms together. “It will take about five minutes to take it down and find some boxes.”
Rosa looks sideways at him and frowns. “You don't have a new one in a box?”
“That might be hard to find right now.” Tony's hands become fists, and he pops them into his pockets. -*
“They're such an unbelievable dealthey've just been flying out of the store.” He buttons up his jacket, shrugs his shoulders and laughs nervously.
“So this is a demonstration model?” Rosa tilts her head, inquiring.
“Just came on the floor this morning,” Tony shoots back with an insincere smile. He folds his arms in front of his chest and turns himself sideways to her, pretending to be distracted by something going on in the TV department nearby. His voice falters and weakens as he says, “It has the same warranty as a new one.”
Rosa rubs the side of her nose in doubt. “Came on the floor this morning? Fine. Can I have that in writing?”
Tony's back is turned to her as he leans over the monitor, fiddling with the cablesany excuse not to look at her. He catches a glimpse of himself in one of the wall mirrors. Oh boy, what an idiot I am, he thinks. He bites his lip and turns back to face Rosa.
But Rosa is gone.
As a good waitress, Rosa is used to reading body language. She saw that the salesman's gestures conflicted (lacked congruity) with his words, and she knew that she should believe the gestures. The change in Tony's voice tone from informing to pleading just served to confirm her feelings of doubt.
of communication; and 1% of what we respond to involves the actual words we use.
The Professor called these the three “V's” of communication: the visual, the vocal and the verbal. And to be believable, they must all give out the same message. This is at the very foundation of rapport by design. Over one-half of all communication is nonverbal! It is the look of the communication, our body language, that counts the most: the way we act, dress, move, gesture, and so on.
Need proof? Think of the last time you were with someone who stood with her arms crossed, tapping her foot and looking annoyed, and then huffed the words “I'm fine.” Which clues did you believethe words or the body language and tone of voice? Physical messages often send a much louder message than spoken words. Since 55% of your communication occurs as body language, see how easy it is, whether consciously or not, to signal either openness or defensiveness to another person by means of your body language. Gestures, rather than words, are the true indicators of your instinctive reactions.
If you want others to believe that you can be trusted, you must be congruent. Your spoken language and your body language must say the same thing. If they don't, the other person's body will signal its discomfort to your body. In response to this communication, your