How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
Being Yourself
Do you feel nervous when you meet someone new? Physiologically, being nervous and being excited have a lot in common: pounding heart, churning tummy, high chest breathing and the general jitters. But one of these states might send you hightailing it for the nearest dark corner while the other one can serve you well and propel you forward. There is a tendency for panic to accompany nervousness, and this quite naturally makes bodily activities speed up. Because much of your nervousness stems from increased awareness, try redirecting some of your awareness toward slowing down and being more deliberate. One great technique is to imagine that your nostrils are just below your navel and that your in-and-out breaths are happening down there. The slower you are, within reason, the more in control you will appear.
The sooner you start telling yourself that you're excited rather than nervous, the sooner you'll be able to convince your subconscious that this is actually how you feel. And, in fact, that's really all that matters. Change your attitude, and your body language and voice tone will change to reflect your new attitude. Keep in mind that most people are as eager as you are to establish rapport. They will generously give you the benefit of the doubt.
Don't try too hard! In a study conducted at Princeton University, students of both sexes were questioned about their methods of sizing up people they met for the first time. Overeagerness was one of the most reported turnoffs. Don't smile too hard, don't try to be too witty, don't be overpolite and avoid the temptation to be patronizing.
As you become more at ease with your attitude, people will begin to notice characteristics that are unique to youthat set you apart from the others and define you as an individual. You will naturally and easily project the likable parts of your own unique personality and have more conscious control and confidence in your ability to create rapport at will.
It's just about impossible to be incongruent when you are operating from inside any kind of attitude, useful or otherwise. Because your attitude precedes you, it is an essential component of the first impression you make on new acquaintances.
sense of humor. What a relief! My aunt in Scotland is a medical doctor, and so is her daughter. They think alike.
Another coincidence? The plumber in our village comes from three generations of plumbers. The woman who sold me a big ripe Gouda cheese at the Wednesday market in p>Leiden, just outside Amsterdam, had her mother and her daughter working for her. All dressed the same.
What's going on here? Is there some kind of pattern emerging? How come they are so much alike? They have all grown up with harmonious behavior on many levels,
physical and mental. They have synchrony.
Since he was only three years old, my neighbor's youngest son has handled a fishing rod with great respect, just like his dad. He sits a certain way, just like his dad, and when he's threading the hook, he glances at his father from moment to moment to see if he's doing it correctly: a certain, almost imperceptible expression says continue, another says be careful and yet another says no, you've got it wrong. The boy uses his own instincts to learn from his father, along with very subtle guidance from his father's expressions and body language and at times his gentle, encouraging voice. Now he can do it, just like his dad.
our parents, peers, teachers, coaches, TV, movies and our environment, our behavior is modulated and organized by synchronizing ourselves with the conduct of others and adjusting to their emotional feedback. Unwittingly, we have been synchronizing ourselves with other people since birth. A baby's body rhythms are synchronized with those of its mother. An infant's mood is influenced by his father's mood, a child's favorite toys are selected to keep pace with her peers, a teen's tastes must conform to what's cool and an adult's preferences are influenced by mate, friends and the community.
All day long, we synchronize ourselves with those around us. We do it all the time. We thrive on it, and we can't exist without it. We are always influencing each other's behavior; every moment we are with other people, we make minute adjustments to our behavior, and they to ours. This is what synchrony is all about. We process the signals unconsciously and transmit them to each other through our emotions. It is how we draw our strength and convictions; it is how we feel safe. It is how we evolve. And it is why people like, trust and feel comfortable with people who are just like them.
People hire people like themselves. People buy from people like themselves. People date people like themselves. People lend money to people like themselves. And so onad infinitum.
Perhaps you've noticed that you take to some people immediately upon meeting them for the first time and yet feel no rapport at all with other new people. Or you might even feel an instant dislike for some people. This is something we've all experienced, but have you ever stopped to wonder why this happens? Why is it that with certain people you feel the natural trust and comfort that comes with rapport? Think back over the last week to some of the people you met in your adventures. Go over the meetings in your mind and relive them.
What was it about the people you liked that made you like them? Chances are you shared somethinginterests or attitudes or ways of moving. People who get on well together usually have things in common. Those who share similar ideas, have the same taste in music or food, read similar books or like the same holidays, hobbies, sports or vacation spots will feel immediately comfortable with one another and like each other better than those who have nothing in common.
When I lecture, I go over to a large blackboard and write:
I LIKE YOU!
Then I add the tiny, two-letter word “am” between the first and second words of that joyous phrase so that it now reads:
I AM LIKE YOU! The fact is that we like people who are like us. We are at ease with people who feel familiar (where do you think the word “familiar” comes from?). Look to your close friends. The reason you get along so well with them is that you have similar opinions, maybe even similar ways of doing things. Sure, you will often find plenty to differ on and argue about, but essentially you are like each other.
People with similar interests have natural rapport. If you share an interest in motor sports with one of the guys at the office, this can become a basis for rapport.
Or perhaps you have two toddlers and go to the park every afternoon to meet up with other mothers in the same circumstances; this is again a basis for rapport. You've heard the saying “Birds of a feather flock together”well, quite simply, people are comfortable when they are surrounded by people like themselves.
Rapport by chance holds true not just on the surface but underneath as well. Shared beliefs, appearance, tastes and circumstance all contribute to rapport. Perhaps you feel comfortable around people with fluent, expressive voices or sensitive people who speak softly and slowly. Maybe you enjoy the company of people who share their feelings when they communicate or those who get straight to the point and don't mince their words. When you establish rapport by chance, you have come across someone who grew up with or developed a style similar to your own.