How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
Tuning In to Sensory Preferences
What do sensory types have to do with making people like you in 90 seconds or less? More than you might expect. When you can figure out other people's sensory preferences, you can communicate on 124
The words “I have scoured the four corners of the earth” tell a lot more than “I've looked everywhere”; they force the connection to scrutiny, diligence,
detail, determination and more. They also easily involve sight, sound and feeling, and this is why metaphors appeal simultaneously to Visuals, Auditories and Kinesthetics. Visuals can picture them. Auditories can hear them and Kinesthetics can get a feel for what's happening.
Metaphors are containers for ideas. They link our internal imagination to external reality. We use metaphors regularly, often unconsciously, to explain our thinking. We also use them to make things more interesting. Parables, fables, storytelling and anecdotes are some of the oldest and most powerful communication tools we have, and their metaphorical aspects are effective in virtually every setting. They fire up the imagination and appeal to all the senses.
In short, metaphors help to make understanding easier, quicker and richer.
their wavelength. If you want to better relate to your spouse, win a judge over to your side of an argument, make that sale, land that job or impress somebody at a party, recognizing Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic people can be invaluable.
The day after one of my seminars, I received an excited phone call from a woman who had been sitting in the audience. Her name was Barbara, and she owned a flooring store.
“It's incredible!” she said. "It's nine-thirty, we've been open for an hour and I've just sold to my fifth out of five customers. I've never done that before!
“This is perfect for my business,” she continued, referring to my lecture on figuring out the Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic people we come across in the course of our daily adventures. "The first four sales were probably normal, even though I was aware of what I'd learned. But the fifth . . . This lady came into the shop dragging her husband along with her. It was obvious that he didn't want to be there. I figured out immediately that he was a feeler, a Kinesthetic, and within 30 seconds I had him on his hands and knees feeling the carpet. And they bought it.
“I just knew that if I'd said to him, 'Imagine how this will look in your house,' he couldn't do that because he's not Visual. Or if I'd said, 'You'll discover just how quiet it'll be when your kids run around on it,' he wouldn't connect to that, either, because he doesn't think that wayhe's not Auditory. I knew by the way he dressed and moved and spoke that he was Kinesthetic, so I said, 'Just feel it.' And he did. Just like that. He got down on the floor and felt it.”
Find out what you're getting. Change what you do until you get what you want. These are the “F” and “C” in our KFC. Figure out which sense a person relies on most and change your approach to take this into consideration.
If you're not sure how to handle a situation, don't worry. Be prepared to include all three preferences in your approach. Look good for the Visuals; after all, they make up over half the people you're likely to see during your day. Sound good; develop your pleasing tonality for the Auditories to whom you'll be speaking. And be sensitive and flexible for the Kinesthetic folk you'll be bumping into. And, of course, if you're dealing with a group, the same thing applies. Your group will be made up of all three categories, and you'll want to appeal to all of them.
Above all, remember that the ability to tune in to the way other people experience the world can be one of the most important discoveries of your life.
A few months ago I gave the opening address at a home builders' convention. During my talk, I used roleplaying (with me playing all the roles) to illustrate some of the behavioral differences that Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic people display in face-to-face communication. At the end of the talk, a big, tough-looking but wellDespite the good Colombian coffee and fresh croissants, the O'Connors are not enjoying a very pleasant breakfast.
“It's a bright yellow Maseratii” exclaims John. “It's gorgeous! Can't you just picture the two of us blazing down the highway to the coast?”
“Actually, I can't,” says Lizzie icily, “All I can hear are the monthly car bills dropping through our mail slot. I don't think you ever listen when I tell you we have more impor tant things to spend money on . . .”
John stomps out of the house in a rage, but that evening, after leaving work, he buys a luxurious, multicolor silk scarf for Lizzie in an attempt to win her over. Arriving home, he finds her in the living room and hands her the exquisitely wrapped box.
“And what is this for?” Lizzie asks distantly as she removes the scarf from its box. “What's the occasion?”
“Why, it's just to show how much I love you!” protests John, feeling rejected.
“A scarf doesn't tell me anything!” Lizzie snaps. She walks crisply out of the room.
John slumps down on the couch, slowly winding the expensive scarf around his hand and tightening it until his fingers throb with pain.
What happened here? John is Visual. He makes sense of the world primarily through what he sees: the yellow Maserati, his “picture” of them in the car, the multihued scarf. Lizzie is Auditory. She hears the car bills dropping through the mail slot; she doesn't think John “listens” when she “tells” him something.
Can this marriage (or at least the hoped-for Maserati purchase)be saved? You bet. A pair of concert ticketsto Lizzie's favorite band something that appeals to her ears would sound much better to her. Here's how John could have handled it had he been more sensitive to the way Lizzie hears the world:
“I'm really sorry, Lizzie,” declares John in a soft, pleasant voice (after giving her the tickets). He proceeds to use some “auditory” words with his wife. “I'll tell you what let's put some harmony back in this house and talk it through a bit. Does that sound okay to you?”
Lizzie nods, taking in the suddenly more acceptable words and the meaning they convey.
“Have I told you how the Maserati purrs like a kitten and shifts so quietly you can barely hear i t ? ” John asks sweetly. “And wait until we discuss the surprisingly reasonable payments.”
“Oh, I finally see the picture you're painting, John,” says his wife. “It's all so clear to me now!”
groomed man pulled me to one side. He was very emotional and looked like he was on the verge of tears. Shaking his head from side to side, he began, “I don't know what to say. I'm leaving right now to go to my son's school and give him a hug.” He was choking up. “For years, I've been furious with him. When I talk to him, he turns his head away and doesn't look at me. It drives me crazy, and I yell at him, 'Look at me when I'm talking!' He hardly ever looks me straight in the eye when I'm giving him instructions. From everything you've said, you've made me realize that he's Auditory, and he's not ignoring me when he looks away. He's turning his ear toward me so he can concentrate. And me, I'm Visual, I need eye contact.” He pumped my hand and left.
It's amazing. Things like this go on right under our noses every day of our lives and we never realized until now, that is.
how they respond to you. This chapter deals with picking up the initial cues that other people give us without knowing it. Whether Visual, Auditory or Kinesthetic,
their signals are there for us to interpret and utilize in establishing rapport.
In the question period at the end of one of my seminars, a middle-aged woman in the second row asked slowly, “Do you feel that it's hard to put your finger on what a person's sensory preference is?” This delightful woman wore a big, comfortable knit coat and was twiddling her finger slowly through her hair as she spoke. I thanked her for the question and immediately asked her not to move. Obviously a very good-natured person, she froze in position. “I'm going to ask you to repeat your question in exactly the same way,” I said to her. “But I want the rest of the audience to observe. Is that okay?” She nodded, paused and repeated her question, complete with hair twiddling. There was a collective smile from the other people in the audience as they understood what they had just witnessed. Then the lady herself looked up toward the top of her head and chuckled.
Her choice of the words “feel,” “hard” and “put your finger on,” her easy way of speaking, her comfortable coat, her slightly full figure and her habit of playing with her hair were quite the giveaways. She had dropped enough clues to give the whole audience a strong indication as to what this woman's sensory preference might be.
You weren't there, but what sense do you think she most relies on?
You're right on if you said Kinesthetic.