How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
The Art of Synchronizing
But why wait for rapport to happen naturally? Why not go straight into synchronizing other people's behavior as soon as you meet them? Why not invest 90 seconds or less of your time to establish rapport by design?
Look around any restaurant, coffee shop, mall or other public place where people meet each other and look around to see which ones are “in rapport” and which ones aren't. The ones who have rapport sit together in the same way. Notice how they lean toward one another. Notice their leg and arm positions. Those in rapport are synchronized almost like dancers: one picks up a cup, the other follows; one leans back, the other does the same; one talks softly, the other talks softly. The dance goes on: body position, rhythm, tone of voice. Now look for those people who are clearly together but not synchronized, and observe the differences. Which pairs or groups appear to be having a better time?
I recently gave a speech at an auditorium in London, and right there, about 10 rows back, was a beautiful couple. Both were immaculately dressed, with great attention to color and detail. When I noticed them, they were sitting in the identical position, leaning to the right with their hands folded close to their respective armrests. Then, as if responding to a prearranged signal, they both transferred their weight onto the other armrest, like synchronized swimmers, nodding and smiling in unison. They confirmed everything I was saying. I caught up with them afterward and learned that they had been married for 47 years; they were fit, healthy, happy and totally synchronized.
Our goal, then, is to discover the structure of synchrony and modify it to apply to the different types of people we meet. The key to establishing rapport is learning how to synchronize what Professor Mehrabian called the three “V's” of consistent human communicationthe visual, the vocal and the verbalin order to connect with other people by becoming as much like them as possible.
But doesn't this mean I'm being phony or insincere?
No. Remember that we're only talking about a minute and a half! You're not being asked to engineer a total and permanent personality change. All you will be doing is syn chronizing another person to put him or her at ease and thus speed up what would happen naturally if you had more time. The idea is not to make your movements, tone and words obvious copies of the other person's, but rather to do the same kind of thing you do with a friend.
Synchronizing skills are really nothing more than a connecting device to our greatest resource: other people. As we are instinctively drawn toward one another, be it to get cooperation or emotional feedback or to have our physical needs met, synchronizing speeds up our mental unification.
Often, when you travel in a foreign country, the plug of your hair dryer or electric shaver will just not fit into the outletyou need an adapter to make it work, a con necting device that will let you plug the thing in and power it up. It's precisely the same thing when you plug into other people. Like the hair dryer or the electric shaver, you must have an adapter. So think of synchronizing as an adapting device that allows you to make smooth connections at will and quickly. Synchronizing is a way to make the other person become open, relaxed and happy to be with you. You just do what they do; you become like them until the other person thinks, I don't know what it is about this person, but there's something I really like!
Think of synchronizing as rowing your boat alongside another person's rowboat, pointing it in the same direction at the same speed and picking up the other person's pace, stroke, breathing pattern, mood and point of view. As he rows, you row.
One evening a few years ago, I was sitting in the chalet of a ski club, waiting for my two youngest children to finish night skiing. Suddenly in walked a neighbor, a lawyer who had been on polite “nodding” terms with my family. When I saw him arrive, I made up my mind to try out some simple synchronizing on him. I decided on the outcome I wanted (remember, know what you want) and that I would continue synchronizing until he made a definite gesture of friendship. I calmly stood up and he spotted me. We met in the middle of the large room.
“Hi there,” he said with a tight-lipped smile as he shook my hand.
Matching the tone of his voice, his grimace and his body stance, I echoed: “Hi there!”
He placed one hand on his hip, and with the other pointed out the chalet window. “Just waiting for my kids to finish!”
“Me, too,” I said, mirroring his gestures. “I'm waiting for my kids to finish.”
I synchronized him, respectfully, for less than 30 seconds of normal, innocent conversation. Then he suddenly blurted out, “You know something? We really don't see enough of you and your family. Why don't you come by for dinner one night?”
We set the date right there and then. I could almost read what had happened by the way his mouth twisted. He was thinking, There's something about this guy I really like, but I'm not quite sure what it is. Obviously, if he felt I'd been copying him, he'd have never issued the invitation!
I had approached him with a Really Useful Attitude of warmth that, even though I was synchronizing him, I kept fairly close to the surface. I faced him and immediately took on his overall posture and used similar gestures and facial expressions. The vocal part, his voice tone and speed, was easy to fall in with. And I used similar words. It sounds more complicated than it actually was. The whole thing took only a few seconds. It was fun and it felt good. I really did want to get to know him better, and this seemed the perfect opportunity. I'm sure we both experienced the thrill
Mr. Szabo, the owner of a large chain of supermarkets, is well known among the trade for his intimidating manner. One day, he summoned the product managers of three competitive, nationally recognized brands to meet him at one of his outlets. He led the three product managers to the aisle in which their products were displayed and proceeded to scold them for what he perceived to be the disgraceful state of their product facing. As he waved his arms about, pointing out what was wrong, he raised and lowered his voice, occasionally pausing to stare at them individually and even jabbing one of them, Paul, on the shoulder with his finger. At the end of his tirade, two of the browbeaten individuals nodded and made excuses, which gave Mr. Szabo even more ammunition to use against them. ->
that only people can generate in peoplethe thrill of making new connections. There is absolutely nothing in this world as exciting and rewarding as connecting and developing a rapport that can lead to a new friendship or relationship.
What about difficult people? I am often asked what you're supposed to do when you meet somebody who is all bundled up with defensiveness: tight jaw, arms crossed defensively or hands jammed into pockets. Or
Ever since Mr. Szabo had begun his rant, Paul had been skillfully synchronizing Szabo's mood and general mannerisms. When it came time for him to respond to the irate owner, he almost became Mr. Szabobut in a completely nonthreatening way. He used similar arm gestures, tonality, pauses and attitude, and he even jabbed Mr. Szabo on the shoulder as he said, “You're absolutely right.”
As they talked back and forth for a minute or so, Paul calmed down his own gestures, and Mr. Szabo followed. When they finished talking, Mr. Szabo put his arm around Paul's shoulder and led him to the end of the aisle. There he collared one of the store staff and said to him, “Give this man any help he needs.”
Paul had successfully joined Mr. Szabo in his world and led him quickly, skillfully and respectfully to his own desired outcome.
the best way to handle a bully, a shy person, a cornplainer or someone who is arrogant or overly aggressive. It is not the purpose of this book to give detailed instructions on dealing with difficult people, but here are some guidelines.
Rule number one when encountering a difficult person is to ask yourself this question: “Do I really need to deal with this person?” If the answer is no, then leave him or her alone. If the answer is yes, ask yourself what it is that you want. What is your desired outcome? Not what is it that you don't want. (Remember KFC?)
When synchronizing “difficult people,” it's vital that you do it in a nonthreatening way. Once you have matched your body and tone with theirs, you can begin to “lead” them out of it. Unfold your arms, relax your shoulders and check to see if they follow your lead; if they don't, get back into your original position for a minute or so and try again.
A word about shy people: try to find out what they're interested in. Synchronize their body movements and voice tone, and unhurriedly ask them lots of open-ended questions (see the next chapter) until you get a glimmer of enthusiasm. Take on their attitude, and then little by little lead them out of it. Lean or sit forward and see if they follow; if not, go back to where you were and synchronize any little thing you can. You'll be surprised at how well this works.
When do I start synchronizing? Try not to let more than two or three seconds go by before you start. Rememher the sequence in Chapter 2: Open (Really Useful Attitude and open body language)Heart (pointed at the person)Eye (first with the eye contact)Beam (first with the smile)“Hi!” (introduce yourself)Lean (indicate interest as you start synchronizing).
Anything that increases the common ground and reduces the distance between you and the other person is a good thing. And the quickest way to accomplish this is to synchronize as many of the other person's aspects as you canadopt the same attitude, make the same motions and speak the same way.