How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
Why Likability Works
If people like you, they feel natural and comfortable around you. They will give you their attention and happily open up for you.
Likability has something to do with how you look but a lot more to do with how you make people feel. My old nanny, who brought me up to be passionate about people, used to talk about having “a sunny disposition.” She'd take me out on the promenade, and we'd spot the people who had sunny dispositions and all those who were “sourpusses.” She told me we can choose what we want to be, and then we'd laugh at the sourpusses because they looked so serious.
Likable people give loud and clear signals of their willingness to be sociable; they reveal that their public communication channels are open. Embedded in these signals is evidence of self-confidence, sincerity and trust. Likable people expose a warm, easygoing public face with an outgoing radiance that states, “I am ready to connect. I am open for business.” They are welcoming and friendly, and they get other people's attention.
“Time is precious.” “Time costs money.” “Don't I waste my time.” Time has become an increasingly sought-after commodity. We budget our time, make it stand still, slow it down or speed it up, lose sense of it and distort it; we even buy timesaving devices. Yet time is one of the few things we can't saveit is forever unfolding. In bygone days, we were inherently more respectful of one another and devoted more time to the niceties of getting to know someone and explore common ground. In the hustle and bustle of life today, we rush about with so many deadlines attached to everything that unfortunately we don't have the time, or take the time, to invest in getting to know each other well. We look for associations, make appraisals and assumptions, and form decisions all within a few seconds and frequently before a word is even spoken. Friend or foe? Fight or flight? Opportunity or threat? Familiar or foreign?
Instinctively, we assess, undress and best-guess each other. And if we can't present ourselves fast and favorably, we run the risk of being politely, or impolitely, passed over.
The second reason for establishing likability in 90 seconds or less has to do with the human attention span. Believe it or not, the attention span of the average person is about 30 seconds! Focusing attention has been compared to controlling a troop of wild monkeys. Attention craves noveltyit needs to be entertained and loves to leap from branch to branch, making new connections. If there's nothing fresh and exciting for it to focus on, it becomes distracted and wanders off in search of something more compellingdeadlines, football or world peace.
Read this sentence, then look away from the book and fix your attention on anything that isn't moving (a great piece of art doesn't count). Keep your eyes on the object for 30 seconds. You'll probably feel your eyes glazing over after just 10 seconds, if not before.
In face-to-face communication, it's not enough to command the other person's attention. You must also be able to hold on to it long enough to deliver your message or intention. You will capture attention with your likability, but you will hold on to it with the quality of rapport you establish. More and more it comes down to three things: 1) your presence, i.e., what you look like and how you move; 2) your attitude, i.e., what you say, how you say it and how interesting you are; and 3) how you make people feel.
When you learn how to make fast, meaningful connections with people, you will improve your relationships at work and even at home. You will discover the enjoyment of being able to approach anyone with confidence and sincerity. But a word of caution: we're not about to change your personality; this is not a new way of being, not a new way of life. You are not getting a magic wand to rush out into the street with and have the world inviting you to dinnerthese are connecting skills to be used only when you need them.
Establishing rapport in 90 seconds or less with another person or group, be it in a social or community setting or with a business audience or even in a packed courtroom, can be intimidating for many people. It has always amazed me that in this most fundamental of all life skills, we've been given little or no training. You are about to discover that you already possess many of the abilities needed for making natural connections with other peopleit's just that you were never aware of them before.
to make them as natural, fluid and easy as possible, and above all to make them enjoyable and rewarding.
Obviously, you begin the connecting process by meeting people. Sometimes you meet someone by chancethe woman on the train who turns out to share your passion for Bogart movies. And sometimes it's by choicethe man your cousin introduced you to because he loves Shakespeare, fine wines and bungee jumping,
just like you.
If meeting is the physical coming together of two or more people, then communicating is what we do from the moment we are fully aware of another's presence. And between these two eventsmeeting and communicatinglies the 90-second land of rapport that links them together.