How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
Active Listening
Listening is the other side of the conversation coin.
As a good active listener, you must demonstrate that you're truly interested in the other person. The key to being an active listener lies in making a sincere effort to absorb what that person is saying and feeling.
Listening is different from hearing. You may hear a cello as part of an orchestra, but when you actively listen to that same cello, you're consciously focused on every note and absorbing the emotion.
Active listening is an active attempt to grasp and understand the facts and the underlying feelings of what is being said. It does not mean giving up your own opinions and feelings, but it does mean that you're there to empathize as much as possible. You can show how much you understand by giving the appropriate feedback. Listen with your eyes. Listen with your body. Nod your head. Look at the person. Keep your stance open and leaning. Encourage the other person verbally.
A distinction should be made here between the “parrot phrasing” school of listening and the “active” school. Parrot phrasing, or paraphrasing, involves giving back a more or less accurate version of what another person has just said.
Paul: “How have you been affected by the terrible weather we've been having?”
Cathy: “I love heat waves like this, but the man I'm seeing is threatening to move to Alaska without me and I think he's actually serious.”
Paul: “Sounds like even though you love heat waves, you might have to move to Alaska if you want to stay with the man you're seeing.”
The active school means responding to feelings:
Paul: “Sounds like you have some big decisions to make. Isn't it upsetting? How will you handle it?”
Simply put, with “parrot phrasing” it only sounds like you're listening, whereas with active listening people feel that you're listening and feel that you care.
Give spoken feedback. Get inside what the person is saying. This kind of feedback ranges from “Primal Sighs” and “International Grunts” like “Wow,” “Aha,” “Oh” and “Hm” (as you can imagine, these are difficult to demonstrate in a book) all the way to full-blown reactions like “Oh, really,” “And then what?” and “You're not serious. So, what did she do?” Any kind of encouragement is welcome in a conversation; it keeps the ball rolling and shows that you're listening even though you're not saying much.
Give physical feedback. Use open, encouraging body language. Nod in agreement and use plenty of eye contact, but don't stare. Look away in thought (looking at your hands from time to time gives the impression of participation). If you're sitting in a chair, move to the front edge of your seat and look interested or enthusiastic. If you're standing, point your heart at the other person, nod from time to time, and look thoughtful, surprised or amused, or whatever your Really Useful Attitude inspires as an appropriate response to what the person is saying.