How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
DOING WHAT COMES NATURALLY
Dave was out looking for an anniversary present for his wife. He had whittled his thinking down to two ideas. It was to be either the very latest palmtop computer or a painting to hang in their breakfast room. From where Dave parked his car at the shopping mall, it was more convenient to visit the computer store first. Fortunately, it was midmorning and the store wasn't too busy. Dave approached the counter, where a salesman in a dark suit was nodding and smiling. So far, so good. As the salesman started to explain the differences in all the latest models, he lifted his right leg and plunked it on a low stool that was somewhere next to him. Then he leaned thoughtfully on his right knee and continued with his explanations. Suddenly Dave couldn't wait to get out of there. It wasn't that he lacked interest, it was just that the macho, leg-raised position was completely out of sync with his own posture and it made him feel uncomfortable. -*
Synchronizing body language falls into two loose groupings: matching, which means doing the same thing as the other person (she moves her left hand, you move your left hand), and mirroring, which means, as it implies, moving as if you were watching the other person in a mirror (he moves his left hand, you move your right).
It was a completely different story at the art gallery. Dave stopped before a painting that took his fancy and adopted a contemplative stance: weight on one leg, arms folded but with one hand on his chin and a finger hooked around his lips. After maybe a minute, he became aware of somebody standing quietly next to him and heard a soft, supportive voice say simply, “Nice, isn't it?”
“Yes, it is,” Dave replied in a pensive voice.
“Let me know if I can help you,” said the lady at his side. She withdrew to another part of the gallery.
Within five minutes, Dave had bought the painting. It seemed the natural thing to do.
Dave felt comfortable just looking at the painting. The woman had slipped in beside him, taken on the same body language as his and dropped into the same attitude. She made a seamless connection by exercising perfect, effortless synchrony: 55% body language, 38% voice tone and 7% wordsthe three “Vs.”
Maybe you're thinking, But won't other people notice that I'm copying their behavior? Actually, they won't, unless the copying is blatant. Remember, your movements must be subtle and respectful. If someone sticks a finger in his ear and you do the same, then yes, he'll probably notice that. But when a person is focused on a conversation, he or she will not pick up on subtle synchronizing.
Particular gestures. Hand and arm movements are especially easy and natural to synchronize by matching and mirroring. Some folks raise their shoulders when they talk; others wave their hands around as they express themselves. Do whatever they do. If you find it uncomfortable at first, then go at it a little at a time until with practice you become an expert synchronizer. Just the fact that you're noticing these different types of gestures is a big step in the direction of making people like you in 90 seconds or less.
Body posture. Overall posture is known as the attitude of the body. It shows how people present them selves and is a good indicator of emotional state. That is why we sometimes refer to it as “adopting a posture.” When you can accurately adopt a person's posture, you can get a fair idea of how he or she feels.
Overall body movements. Whether it's a job interview or striking up a conversation at the museum fund-raiser, observe the person's overall body movements, then gently mirror or match them. If he has a leg crossed, then cross a leg; if he's leaning against the grand piano, do it, too. If she's sitting sideways on the banquette, sit sideways; if she's standing with her hands on her hips, do the same. Body movements like leaning, walking and turning are easily synchronized.
Head tilts and nods. These are the simplest movements to synchronize. Fashion photographers know that most of the “feel” of a terrific cover shot comes from the “innuendo” created by subtle tilts and nods of the head. Sure, the face is important, but it's the angles that carry the message. Pay close attention to them. Most good physicians and therapists find that they synchronize tilts and nods without giving it a second thought. It says “I hear you, I see what you're saying and I feel for you.”
Facial expressions. Along with tilts and nods, synchronized facial expressions show agreement and understanding. They come naturally. When he smiles at you, your natural inclination is to smile back. When she shows wide-eyed surprise, give it back to her. Look around at the next luncheon or dinner you attend, and notice how those with the deepest rapport are doing it all the time. It's an easy and natural, surefire way to make someone like you in 90 seconds or less. You can match the same amount and same style of eye contact. It may be fleeting, or direct or coy; whatever it is, pick up on it and return it in the same way.
Breathing. Pay attention to breathing. Is it fast or slow? Is it high in the chest, low in the chest or from the abdomen? You can usually tell how people are breathing by watching their shoulders or the folds in their clothing. Synchronizing their breathing can be soothing and comforting to them.