Alone

Chris dropped us off at the pizzeria and for about two minutes Elizabeth and I were strange around each other. It felt like a date, but the thing was I hadn’t had time to prepare for a date. I had barely had time to recover from my freak-out. And then I just shut up that really annoying voice in my head. Just grab her hand and get over it!

And I did. Come on, let’s go in, it’s freezing out here.

After we’d placed our order, I knew for about the tenth time tonight that it was up to me to speak first and apologize.

Elizabeth, I’m really sorry for not ringing and for walking off tonight. It’s just that—

It’s all right, Will. Chris let me know you’ve had a pretty big night.

She put her hands over one of mine.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I think I am. I don’t know what Chris said …

No, he didn’t say much, Will, he just said not to be too hard on you. She smiled at me. He’s a really nice guy.

Yeah, he is.

Your mum seems really nice too.

Thanks.

She was talking about your dad and how proud he would have been of you. She must have missed him tonight.

I looked at her in surprise. I hadn’t even thought about how Mum would feel.

Yeah, I reckon she would have.

Did you miss him?

Yeah.

I looked up, not saying anything. I knew I had to take a risk. I knew I could trust her, I just wasn’t sure I could go through it all again tonight. But then I figured it had to get a little bit easier every time.

Will, we can talk about something else. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—

No, it’s just that I had kind of a meltdown about Dad tonight. The first one I’ve had since he died.

I found myself telling her all about the practice in front of the school, dogging Mark, the music room, seeing Dad and tearing up the Freak. I must have talked for over an hour and she just listened and held my hand and it honestly all felt OK.

I think it was Zach’s dad that sent me over the edge. He told me how proud Dad would be of me and I just lost it.

And you haven’t ever cried before now?

Nah. That’s what I was saying to Chris, it was too hard to even think about. So I just blocked it out. But the last months I started to crack. I didn’t have a choice about being involved with the musical. Andrews made sure of that, and then Zach attached himself to my leg, and you walked out onstage and I started to think you and Mark were together and that, well, that drove me nuts, then I met Mark and you …

I looked up to find her smiling at me. Man, I didn’t have a chance of keeping it together if she smiled at me like that.

So what was he like? She asked this really softly, really carefully, like she was worried the question would wound me.

I don’t know really. He was a good guy. The type of guy that people admired, looked up to. He was always on about things being fair and justice being done. He was really big on treating people with respect and making sure everyone was treated equally. But at the same time he could take a joke and lighten up.

I grinned. He was a really good soccer player, or he thought he was. I don’t know … I finally said the one thing I didn’t want to say, the thing that made me realize how much I wasn’t like him. What I liked about him most was that, well, he was who he was and it didn’t matter who he was speaking to.

He loved Chris coming around. I reckon Dad respected him because he was always who he was without any bullshit. Like you and Mark and the Freak. He would have respected Mark and probably given him heaps about being gay, once he knew him. And you. Well, he would have loved you. He always went on about how Mum was smart and feisty and beautiful….

The tablecloth blurred for a second or two. I felt a strange combination of embarrassment and sadness.

She squeezed my hand really tightly. You obviously take after him then.

Me? Nah. I think I missed out on all of the Armstrong genes.

Oh, come on, Will. That’s exactly what you’re like. Look at how you stopped those little guys picking on Zach, and how you looked after him. And Mark.

I started to say that she had it completely wrong but she got in before I could.

Yeah, OK, so you stuffed up, but he’ll get over it. Look, you made him feel accepted and liked because you liked him. Some guys would have kept well away. That was important to him. He acts all together but he’s not.

She stopped talking and played with the pizza that had been sitting untouched on the table all evening.

I looked up to find her staring at me. The kind of stare that said she wasn’t afraid, that she was ready for anything. I stared back, not as fierce but I tried. To be honest, I found her stare a little bit scary. I thought I was the one who was meant to be in control. We kept staring, silent. My heart thudded. I was certain its pulsating could be seen through my jacket. My face became red hot as usual but this time it was not due to embarrassment. I knew I had to do something! But maybe she didn’t want to. Maybe she was sitting there wondering what was wrong with me. My head was moving closer and closer to hers.

Our lips touched. They were gentle, soft kisses, as if we were shyly introducing ourselves for the first time. Slowly our bodies gravitated toward each other. She reached her hand to my face, I reached my hand around her back. The more relaxed we were, the greater the intensity of our kisses. I was blown away by her presence, by her smell, by her taste … by her. We stopped. We smiled at one another and said nothing.

Thanks. I mean, thanks for everything you just said and for what just happened….

What a pinhead!

You’re welcome, Will. I meant it. All of it.

I felt myself becoming all uptight again and then I made myself relax. What had just happened was the best thing that had happened to me in the past decade and I wasn’t going to stuff it up. She’d taken the risk and I knew that it was my turn now.

I reached over and grabbed her hand.

You know, I was gone on you the first time I saw you. You came out onstage and I became a blubbering idiot.

She looked up at me playfully.

Yeah, well, I can do better than that. From the very first moment I saw your backside, I knew that you were worth investigating.