Paul’s weight moving the bed woke me enough to roll to my back and put my arm under his neck. He put his head on my shoulder and his hand on my belly.
“There was a time today when I thought I would never get to do this again,” he said.
I gently ran my fingers across where I had wiped his blood away earlier. “You saved me first, remember. If you hadn’t thrown me clear things would have ended very differently.”
“Yeah … listen Anna,” he said. “About me remembering you … it’s true. We’ve known each other a very long time. You never remembered before.
“When you had that first dream about Catherine, I knew something was different this time. You’d never seen how we died before … you’d only ever had good dreams about us. We’ve been together twice since then … I don’t know why you remembered that time.”
“I think I do,” I told him. “My first dream of her was that weekend after Sturgis. I was pregnant then. We just didn’t know it yet. That’s why I dreamed of Catherine. She was pregnant too.”
“Perhaps,” Paul said. “It’s not common for one of us to father a child because it only happens with a woman who has a trace of our ability to remember. When we do it’s a son who joins the … family. It’s not the same for the women. You could have a child with a regular guy.
“Most of who I am now comes from this life: my appearance, my name, personality. We’re usually tall, heal fast … don’t always live very long. I guess we take bigger risks because we know there’s another shot at things around the corner.”
He slid his arm around me and squeezed me before he put it back.
“The same for you,” he said. “You’re very different from how I remember Catherine’s personality. I don’t understand how so much of Andre can be in you. I’ve never seen you pull so much of who you were before into who you are now. It’s rare to live as the other gender.”
“Much of Andre’s personality faded when Ray got the knife from me,” I told Paul. “I just have memories again … I’m back to just being Anna.”
“My father could explain what’s happened to you. We haven’t found him in a long time. It’s frustrating running the show without him.”
I remembered the woman in the mirror telling me to take Paul to his father. I tried to imagine the dual meaning family would have for someone like Paul then my eyes went wide with understanding.
“Ray is my brother, isn’t he?” I asked.
Paul nodded on my shoulder. “But don’t ask me to explain how that works. If my father ever told me I wasn’t paying attention. I tended to ignore him when he tried. He didn’t seem to make much sense.”
“Like Joshua is your brother?”
“Joshua is my brother like Alina is your sister. He’s not like me … we have the same biological parents. My father has been my father for a very long time. Maybe father is the wrong word … I don’t know how else to describe it.”
“What about Ray’s … other sister? Same thing?”
“Yes,” Paul said.
“Why you would have wanted to send me away when I got here … if we have been together so much,” I said.
Paul was quiet for a long time.
“I didn’t think I could go through losing you again,” he whispered. “Damian knew we were together. The men who came here with you were his and two got away. The little blonde one isn’t like us … he uses them. Makes them think if they’re loyal he’ll make them like us but they’re expendable. And invisible to the few of us who can pick them up like you seem to.
“We served with Damian and his men. Put up with each other for a while. Now that you’re with me he doesn’t have polite disinterest in us any more. He’ll play to eliminate us all again.
“All the men here right now are family for which I’m very grateful. Trust, loyalty and obedience. They define us and the codes we live by. They explain why you accept that we accept what you can do. Their loyalty to me binds them to protect you. Josh’s team and the other I have in the field right now aren’t family and that keeps things thankfully simple.
“I tried to convince myself we didn’t matter, that I’d walked away from you like Ray’s sister. That wasn’t right. I didn’t give us enough credit. I underestimated your courage,” he laughed a bit then. “You’re as committed to protecting me as I am to protecting you. That’s surprised me. You wouldn’t let me go … you found me just by wishing for me.”
We lay still for a while, holding on to what we almost lost. I started to doze again when I felt a burst of butterflies under Paul’s hand. I put my hand on top of his. My fingers found his ring and I started to gently trace its curve back and forth over his finger. The butterflies started again then it felt like a small pop.
“Did you feel that?” I whispered.
“Mm hm,” he answered sleepily.
“That was her Paul,” I put my hand back up to his face.
“Really?” he was wide awake; absolutely still. We waited a while but didn’t feel her move again. Paul pulled me over toward him. He ran his hand down my back to my thigh and pulled it up over his.
“Anna,” he breathed in my ear. “Can you help me forget what happened today … for a while?”
And for a while I forgot too.