“Lunch,” Paul said. He wasn’t inviting me; we’d noticed the sounds in the kitchen. “I know you don’t want to but it’s important they start seeing me back in one piece. And you with me.”
I pressed my face back into the little corner where his neck met his shoulder and sighed. I put my lips there to try and change the subject. “This is one of my favourite parts of you …” Then I reached around him and pulled myself in tight at his side, wrapping myself around him. He let me have my way for a while.
“Ray and I will walk you out if you start to feel unwell again,” he said, but he was close to giving in. “Damn you’re persistent,” he laughed as he rolled to face me, putting some space between us.
“Only as much as I have to be … you’re not always easy,” I laughed back. “Why doesn’t someone just say something to him when he starts to gap out? Ask him what’s on his mind?”
“I can do that,” Paul said.
“And we have a trip to plan.”
“I thought you were kidding about that Anna. He’s not here this time. He would be here if he was.”
“I wouldn’t kid about your father … that man … said he exists in our time,” I told him. “I’m sure I can find him. If I miss I can sleep it off then we’ll come home or try again. I can take you and anything or anyone else you want to fit in the truck.”
He thought about it. “How long can we stay?”
“Weeks I think. That last trip to Toronto was three and I didn’t come back because I ran out of time like this last one.”
“Okay, soon. Anna … will you tell me who the son is? The man you mentioned at the pond?”
I hesitated. “I don’t want to run over any more taboos.”
“It’s okay because I asked you … and we’re not talking about someone else’s relations,” he reassured me.
“You probably already suspect … it made perfect sense to me when I read it,” I told him. “I think he’s your favourite … I know he’s mine … besides you and Ray of course.”
Paul closed his eyes and thought. Then he smiled. “Of course … you’re the only one who can manage Denis better than I can. Now that I know I can feel that connection to him too.”
“You’re not going to tell him are you?” I asked. “I don’t want to embarrass him.”
“I don’t know if it’s okay for you to tell him or not,” Paul sighed. “Another question for my father, he knows all those rules. I can’t see where the mother would ever have been aware before to even bring it up. But I know I can. Can he talk to you about it if he wants to?”
“Of course,” I said. “My idea of family is probably very different from yours … I don’t know what sort of attachment you have. To me being a mother is a deep honour. A gift that I’ll spend my life working to be worthy of. He might get more than he bargains for knowing who I am.”
Paul kissed my forehead. “No, your idea of family is not so different at all.”
“Thank you,” I said. “Paul, what did you tell your parents?”
“Joshua told them I shipped out for a while and you went to stay with your sister.” Paul looked sad. “He just went ahead and did it … I was mostly oblivious to what day it was. You missed your birthday too.”
I put my arm around him and moved in closer, this time just to be close. “I’m so sorry about that … I just keep finding more things I screwed up.”
He hugged me back. “Having you here in my bed again makes up for a lot of the things we missed.”
I tucked my head in under his chin. “I think it’s time we headed downstairs. It’s sounding noisy down there.”
“Mmm, you’re right,” Paul said. “I’ll look after you down there.”
“If I startle in my seat or start to cough it’s time for me to leave the table, okay? Or if I do anything else weird. I’m really worried I’ll over react and hurt someone.”
“I know.”
Downstairs smelled almost overwhelmingly of pine cleaner. I guessed that Ray moved his sick soldier somewhere else and disinfected everything. From the bottom of the stairs I could see the door to the first aid room was open and the bed was made. Ray was just going in.
“Paul … I think I asked too much of someone back in November and I need to smooth things over.”
“I think you’re right … I’ll save seats for you two.”
“Thanks,” I said and went down the hall to face Ray.
I couldn’t see him through the partly opened door. He was behind it where the supplies were so I knocked and called his name.
“Yeah Anna, come on in.”
I had my arms gently crossed with nervousness and was absently rubbing my elbow when I stepped around the door and out of sight from the hallway. He noticed and came right over taking my arm.
“What happened?” he asked.
“Oh, I didn’t realize I was doing that.” I gently took my arm back. “Do you have a few minutes? I need to talk to you about something I did.”
He stiffened and started to look uncomfortable so I shook my head. “Something I did quite a while ago.”
“Okay,” he said, looking at my arm like he would rather be dealing with an injury.
He stood close so I studied his face. I could make out the faint pink scar under his eye and another little one running up into his bottom lip. I cautiously reached up and ran my finger along the one on his cheekbone. He looked away but he didn’t stop me. Then I touched the one on his lip.
“When I asked you to let me go I had no idea what I was asking of you,” I said quietly. “Or that you would stand up for me with Paul … that it would test your friendship. I’m grateful and surprised and truly very sorry. It was short sighted of me and inconsiderate. I understand if I have to work to earn your respect back … to undo hurting you. You’ve been nothing but gracious toward me since I got back and I don’t feel that I’ve earned it. I just wanted you to know that I’m thankful for having you and deeply sorry.”
He looked back at me and put his hands on my shoulders.
“Anna,” he said. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“I already did and I’m not taking it back. I can’t promise that I’m going to stay out of trouble but I will always appreciate you and come out okay.”
“Okay Kiddo,” he said. “I’ve never been able to do anything for you like this … you’ve always been just Paul’s. I’m enjoying knowing you … don’t move”
He went quietly to the door and peered down the hall then he closed it. When he came back he stood behind me and put his hands back on my shoulders.
“Don’t turn,” he whispered. “It’s easier for me like this.”
“Okay Ray,” I said and I waited.
“Was he … really my father?” he asked.
“I believe he is,” I told him. His fingers squeezed my shoulders briefly and relaxed.
“Most of us gave up on our mates a long time ago. Damian made it so hard. Paul didn’t give up though. I saw what he went through with you every time. He changed … became cold about it like Damian. But after Catherine something was different about him. He started to love you again … like he used to a long time ago but he was losing the strength to keep going the way that he had been. Like so many of us had already he was close to giving up.
“He found you this time … quite by accident. Usually when we find our mates when we’re young … twenty is late. He assumed that he wouldn’t find you this time … it happens … so we went away overseas to serve. Improve our skills, experience new things. You’re so much younger than him this time. You would have been much too young when he was twenty. He had his own life instead of running off to be with you like if he had found you at nineteen. I think he tried to let you go but you came to him here and he realized he couldn’t. He’s not like Damian any more. He just needs to be with you.”
“I know that now, Ray.”
He opened the door and we went down to the kitchen.
“Sit,” Ray told me. “I’ll get yours.”
I ran my fingers over Paul’s shoulders on the way past to my seat and joined him. He raised his eyebrows questioningly at me; I just smiled and nodded back. Ray put my plate down and I thanked him. He started talking with Denis and Ross about something. Officer talk probably. I ignored everyone and tried to imagine it was just Paul and I.
It seemed to work for a while. Rice was chatting with Jones again so I focused on Paul and pretended that the other end of the kitchen didn’t exist at all until my eyes got tired and started to sting. Just a bit. I rubbed them with my palm. It felt good until I stopped and then the stinging got worse. Could be all the pine cleaner in the air was irritating me so I blinked a few times but that didn’t help. I was having trouble keeping them open. Then my nose started to itch until I sneezed into my napkin.
“You okay?” Paul and Ray seemed to ask at the same time.
“Got something in my eyes, maybe all the cleaner,” I said but I was starting to smell something burning, like an electrical fire. Not the sweet cooked flesh stench from dinner. “Do you smell something burning?”
“No,” Paul said.
When I managed to get my eyes open everything was hazy and it was starting to get warmer. The itch was moving into my throat. Clearing it didn’t help and I sneezed again. Then I coughed. I had no idea what Rice was doing. I couldn’t keep my eyes open long enough to focus and the kitchen was too smoky for me to make out anything that far away anyhow.
“Ray …” Paul whispered.
“Got her,” Ray said and helped me up. I couldn’t see where I was going. I tried to hold my breath but I still coughed a bit.
As we were in the hallway I could hear Paul say. “Penny for your thoughts, Rice.” Then he said again. ”Rice?”
Ray started to lead me to the bathroom again but I pulled him the other way.
“Fresh air,” I managed and he took me through the foyer and out the door.
“What the hell,” I coughed and kept going down the stairs and out onto the road. Then up toward the garage. We were half way there before the air started to clear.
“How could you see in there?” I asked Ray. “The smoke was so thick I couldn’t make out the other end of the table.”
“There was no smoke Anna,” he said.
“And it was a different smell from last night,” I told him. “The smoke was thick … like there was a fire … electrical.” I smelled the sleeve of my shirt and it was in the fabric but not in the air any more. Then I took Ray’s arm and smelled the sleeve of his shirt.
“It’s in your clothes too.”
Ray smelled his sleeve and looked puzzled. “Nobody else seemed to notice.”
“At least I kept my lunch down. Thank you for helping me out of there. Between the smoke and my eyes burning I couldn’t see a thing. It’s gone now.” I shrugged. “Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”
Ray put his hand on my arm. “Nothing physical,” he said. “But like you suggested maybe you’ve just been through too much in too short a time. Do you want to stay out a while longer?”
“No … I think I’ll go upstairs and wash the smoke off. I’ll come down when everyone’s gone and get some more lunch. I didn’t eat much more than half.”
We walked slowly back to the house. The air stayed clear. It was clear indoors too.
“Ray, could you please tell Paul I’m upstairs? I think he worries now when he can’t find me. He doesn’t need that.”
Ray nodded and went to find Paul in the kitchen. I went up and got in the shower. Paul still wasn’t upstairs when I got out so I put on clean clothes and lay down to nap a bit. I was sleeping when he came in. He had curled himself up around behind me with his chin on my shoulder and his hand on my stomach. I reached up and put my hand on his face. I could still smell the smoke on him.
“Did Ray tell you what happened?” I asked him.
I could feel him nod behind me. “I don’t know what to tell you. Rice apologized for not hearing me the first time and then went back to talking with Jones. Those two seem to get along pretty well.”
Paul brushed the hair from my face then he put his hand back on my stomach. “He’ll be on watch during dinner if you want to come down. Hopefully it won’t happen again.”
“Okay.” I lifted my head so he could put his arm under it. “You’re right. I guess Mrs. Richards has responsibilities here now. If I look weak it makes you look weak too. I’ll suck it up.”
Paul laughed quietly. “I don’t think you realize what they think of you. They know what you did to that man, saw your targets downstairs. And a strange version of what you said to the Colonel got out somehow … I’m not too pleased about that but there’s nothing I can do about it now. Half of them think you shipped out on some crazy Canadian covert mission, pregnant and all. You don’t have anything to prove.”
I giggled at that. “Well, if having a Canadian commando for a wife helps you lead then let them think it. Or I can put scented candles in the downstairs bathroom and arrange flowers for the dinner table and haul you off to romantic movies in Redding on Tuesdays too but I’ll really hate it.”
“Some of that might be good for them,” Paul agreed so I gave him a gentle elbow.
“Have you thought about our trip?” I asked him. “We should go soon. I can’t keep running from the table in front of everyone.”
“I was thinking the same thing … tomorrow?”
“Night would be best … less traffic,” I agreed. “Decide if you want to bring anyone or if it will be just us. Tell them to pack for a week or so and for warm weather too just in case. They’ll need their ID … cell phones off, cash only. We don’t want Damian tracing us anywhere electronically … or getting attention for being in two places at once. And maybe camping gear. I can’t promise we won’t wind up stuck in a cornfield until I recharge.”
“You seem to have it all planned. But I thought all the electronic purchases are free?”
I laughed a bit. “This isn’t my first barbeque. After the last trip I can’t promise we’ll go forward. I don’t know how backward works but we need to be careful until we find out.”
“I guess so. I’ll bring Ray and Denis again … then it will look like we’re actually going somewhere else with sufficient people to look after you like before.”
“Paul … think about what you want to tell me about him so I know what I’m focusing on, okay? I don’t want to wind up at Ron and Camille’s for the weekend.”
“That would make my mother happy,” Paul said. “But I see your point. I’ll have Ross leak that you’re having complications and Ray wants you in the hospital for a while. If Damian does have someone here then that’s a reasonable cover story.”
“Okay,” I agreed, but nothing had made me think that Rice or anyone else in the camp was Damian’s.
“You should skip dinner if you’re supposed to be having problems. I’ll make sure Denis and Ray are packed and ready to go like before.” He gently rubbed my belly then until it tickled and I started to giggle again. Paul sighed and relaxed against me.
“I really missed that sound. Try and get some more sleep … we’ll be up early. I need to get everything ready and I’ll bring you up dinner soon. Actually, I’ll bring you up a radio first in case you need me. Ray will be in and out of here pretending to look after you.”
“‘kay Paul,” I said and closed my eyes, but I was already planning on the when part of the jump. All I needed was a strong focus from Paul for the where.