Our fourth night in Reno I dreamed of Alina. Everything had been peaceful at the compound while we were away so we were heading back in the morning.
I was dead on the ground at Damian’s feet watching helplessly as hers kicked; her shoes fell landing in my blood. She was strong and kicked hard. What little air she could get whistled through her tightening windpipe. One of her heels was bloody from banging against something sharp behind her.
Damian’s heavy breathing started to win. After another minute I couldn’t hear her anymore. Blood ran down her legs and mixed with mine. Her feet kicked more and more slowly. Eventually one was limp. She pulled the toes back on the other. Her bloody foot trembled briefly. Then again, and was still. The weight of her body in the little blue dress falling on me startled me awake.
“Alina!” I gasped, sitting up.
“What?” Paul mumbled. I stayed sitting, breathing hard. He propped himself up on one elbow and put his hand on my chest.
“Lie back down,” he said. “Bad dream.”
Soft sounds reached my ears. As my breathing quieted I figured out what it was. “Do you hear her crying?” I whispered.
“No,” he lay back down.
I listened. We’d been leaving the door open to Ray and Denis’ adjoining room at night. Paul felt it was safer and at least we could all sleep. Anyone trying to get in would wake everyone up.
“It’s coming from the other room,” I whispered. “I think it’s her.”
“What?” Paul was awake now.
“The woman in the mirror,” I got out of bed and tip toed to the open door.
“Anna, come back here.”
“No.”
I paused at the door to the other room and looked toward their bathroom. He came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.
“Do you see the light from the bathroom?” I asked him. It moved like how the light from a TV moves with the action on the screen.
“No I … what the hell?” Paul sounded tired.
“The crying; it’s coming from in there.”
“I don’t hear it,” he said. “But the light is wrong.”
I stepped through toward it. I didn’t care if Paul followed or not because I had to know why she was crying.
The sound grew stronger as I stepped in. Soft, exhausted sobs. She was very pregnant; her white t-shirt stretched snugly over her belly. One arm tight around her ribs holding the elbow of the hand that covered her mouth.
“Anna …” I whispered to my mismatched reflection and put my hands on the glass. The light was on in the bathroom she was in. Its glow lit up Ray and Denis’ things on the counter.
“Oh Jesus,” Paul said.
I looked over at him. He held the door frame with both hands, gaping at the mirror.
“Captain?” Denis whispered over the sound of their blankets moving as they got quickly out of bed.
I looked back at the mirror and touched her face with my hand.
“Where is she?” Paul whispered. He could see that the bathroom in the mirror wasn’t the same one we were standing in.
“It’s my tenant’s bathroom … she doesn’t know we’re here.”
She wiped her eyes on her sleeve and turned her back on us to blow her nose. The light went out and as she walked away I heard the low rumble of a descending plane. I put my fists on the glass.
“Run to the bedroom run to the bedroom run to the bedroom …” I chanted. The roar became deafening; the glass vibrated under my hands.
Suddenly both bathrooms exploded with hot orange light; the other one with fire. I heard her scream. Paul grabbed me from behind to pull me back and I fought hard to stay near the glass.
“No!” I yelled at him.
I struggled to keep my hands on the mirror as its companion in the other bathroom shattered into orange pieces. They fell away in chunks leaving black spaces in the fire until it was gone and I stood trembling in Paul’s arms.
“Get the light Ray,” he said quietly.
The mirror was intact. Paul held on to me tightly.
“I thought the dream would make me disappear,” I told him.
“You’re not dreaming,” he said. “We all saw it.”
I shook my head. “The dream that woke me … I was dead at Damian’s feet. He killed Alina, dropped her body on me … it woke me up. Then I heard her crying. You saw all that?”
“Yes. Come on,” he led me back to our room.
I sat in the small hotel armchair, sticking one knee out and pulling the other up to my chest.
“I never thought it was going to be real,” I told him. “She always knows things … things that come true. She lies to me sometimes to get me to do the right thing. But I just saw it happen to me … her … I’m going to be there when the airliner comes down by my house.”
Paul knelt down beside my chair. He put his hands on my shoulders and gently shook me until I looked at him.
“Did she say anything?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Just crying … something terrible must have happened. But I don’t understand why she would be there. That’s Mrs. Desmond’s suite upstairs. Nothing would get me to go back there now that the plane is really coming. It must have made sense to go anyway … I know at least that she’ll survive the crash.
“I just thought she was all in my mind. But when I saw her a few weeks ago she had flames on both arms … I still had just one. She was in my bathroom at my house then but this time she was upstairs. It’s not what I saw in the mirror that scares me. I’ve seen her and the plane come down many times. It’s the dream about Alina that bothers me.”
Paul thought for a moment.
“Do you want to call her? I think you should reassure yourself that she’s fine.”
I sighed and smiled weakly.
“Yes. If she was on shift last night she’ll still be up.”
Then I frowned. “What if he’s there?”
“Just end the call nicely. Remember he hasn’t met you yet and we don’t want to cause a problem for your sister.”
I got my phone. A man did answer. I pulled Paul over to listen.
“Alina?” I asked.
“No,” the man’s voice laughed. “You missed her by an hour. She’s gone into work. It’s Damian.”
I was glad I was sitting because I was suddenly weak. Paul held his breath beside me; what I could make out of his expression was unreadable.
“I’m sorry,” I managed. “I can try her again another time.”
“Is this Anna?” he asked. “You sound just like her.”
“Yes … I just wanted to let her know I’m up and around now. I’ll try her again in a few days. Can you give her the message?”
“Sure,” he said.
I said thanks and hung up then I gave the phone to Paul. I didn’t feel any better. All I knew was that Damian said she was okay.
“We know where he is … can’t we just go get him?” I asked.
“It’s not that easy,” Paul explained. “We can’t just go run an operation like that in another country.”
“That’s bullshit Paul,” I hissed.
He sighed. “It’s not that simple. My CO is aware of your sister. He’s working on it.”
“I’m sorry. I know you’re doing all you can … maybe some fresh air will help,” I put my hands behind his head and pulled him close to kiss him before I stood up. “I thought I left my anger at home. I didn’t mean to take anything out on you. Maybe I should have lied about who I am.”
“He knew already,” Paul said. “That would have been suspicious. You did the right thing.”
I stuffed my shoes on and pulled my coat over my pyjamas.
“Denis?” I called. “You going out for a smoke?”
“Yeah Anna, just a sec.”
Denis and I went out to the little table and chairs outside the door. I sank back in my chair and listened to him smoke. Breathing in and out. Picking out the gentle crackling sounds of the bits of tobacco igniting. Focusing on it was relaxing but the blackness that had returned to my mood wasn’t so easy to push back.
Absently I reached for the pack and took one. I grabbed his metal lighter and opened my eyes just enough to make sure that the flame touched the end of the cigarette. I pulled the smoke down deep in my lungs as I welcomed my old lover.
He slid the cigarette pack and the lighter off the table and I heard them go in his pocket. Then he left.
Asshole, I thought.
Always stingy with the fags. He’d go complain that I stole it … have it put in my file. Screw with my chances for promotion. I didn’t care. The army had me exactly where they wanted me doing exactly what I did best.
Killing.
How many was it yesterday? Fifteen? We’d pushed our way up the hill through the bush and I took them down until I ran out of enemy. It bothered me that I’d lost count. I took another drag and retraced my steps acting out my movements as I relived each kill in my mind, counting them up.
What are you doing?
I put my finger to my lips to tell him to be quiet. The goddamn Lieutenant. He’d get promoted faster if he’d just back off and let me do my job. I paused for another pull on my cigarette and kept counting. He cleared his throat and I ignored him.
Twenty-one, I smiled to myself.
What are you doing with the cigarette, Andre?
I put a hand on my knife. “If you can show me another man here who even came close to taking out twenty-one of those sons-of-bitches like I did yesterday then you can complain about me bumming a fag from someone who has more of them than he knows what to do with. I think I deserve one before you send me back up that fucking hill.”
What?
“It’s my numbers that got you promoted … maybe think about backing off.”
It wasn’t like me to be so blatantly insubordinate, especially in front of the others but the man had to know he hadn’t done it all by himself.
Look at me.
I tilted my glasses up at him as I kept my eyes closed. Sod off.
Look at me, he demanded. The Lieutenant voice. I couldn’t ignore it so I raised my chin and opened my eyes.
“You’re not the Lieutenant,” I said. The man in front of me wasn’t the Lieutenant … neither were the two next to him.
“What?” he said. Maybe all the gunfire had affected his hearing. “Anna, what are you talking about?”
I blinked and stared up at him.
“Paul?” I asked.
“Yes. Paul.”
Impatient.
“Why did you call me Andre?” I asked.
“I didn’t. Why are you smoking?”
Ludicrous, I thought. “I don’t smoke.”
He took the nearly burned out cigarette from my hand and put it in the ashtray. Then I noticed the taste in my mouth. “That’s disgusting Denis. You should quit.”
“You still need to pack up Lieutenant Martin?” Paul said. It wasn’t a question.
“Yes Sir,” Denis disappeared. Ray stayed outside with us. I ran my tongue around the inside of my mouth. I’d never tasted anything so bad … or so good.
“How long has Denis been helping you sneak cigarettes?” Paul asked. He looked just as mad at me as Ray did.
My mouth dropped open. “Never!” I exclaimed. “I have no idea how it got there. I thought I dreamed it.”
“If one of my men talked to me like you did a few minutes ago I’d drop him,” Paul said quietly.
I laughed. My eyes unfocused as I started to slip back into the dream.
“That’s just what the Lieutenant did,” I put my hand to my jaw and it popped loudly as I opened my mouth. “Then he sent us back up. I got my twenty-one again before I ran into someone better … never made it back down.”
I was still laughing. “Smug little SOB, didn’t have enough of us left to clean out the latrine after that.”
My hand moved to my throat and I gagged as the air from my lungs rushed out a hole in my neck. For a few seconds I could feel my blood spilling down between my breasts and into my lap. My fingers scrambled to hold my neck shut as I shook my head and tried to pull myself out of it. Their looks of anger had changed to concern but I kept going.
“Another South Pacific island; I don’t remember the name. They pointed me where they wanted me to go; I put my knife in everything I could get my hands on.” Sigh. Smile. “I really liked my job. I didn’t like that Lieutenant though.”
“Anna,” Paul said sharply.
I turned my head up to look at him.
“Come inside now.”
The taste in my mouth tried to pull me back in so I grabbed what I was going to wear and went straight to the sink to scrub my mouth out. With the taste gone I realized how much I had wanted another cigarette. No wonder Paul was pissed; thinking that his pregnant wife had started smoking.
I expected Paul to come in to voice his displeasure privately but he hadn’t yet so I started to undress for the shower. I could make out Ray talking with him out in the room. I was dried off and dressed by the time he knocked and let himself in.
He stood there for a minute. “Are you okay?” he finally asked.
I gave him a stiff smile. “Aren’t you tired of asking that?”
“I’m not. Ray thinks that was some kind of lucid dream …” he said.
“… or psychotic episode,” I finished. “It was so vivid … I feel like I have the last few hours of someone else’s life in my head.” I stepped close to him and lowered my voice. I didn’t know how far it would travel.
“I don’t need another evaluation from Ray. The only thing Denis did wrong was leave his pack of cigarettes on the table,” I told him. “Andre helped himself.”
“Andre?” Paul said. I nodded. “Denis isn’t in any trouble. He came and got me … he said you helped yourself. We came out and you’re smoking away acting out some kind of knife fight.”
I laughed quietly remembering it. “Yeah … Andre was enjoying himself. He’d lost count the day before and was going through them one by one to figure out how many he had killed.”
“How many what?” Paul asked.
“Japanese. I … Andre wanted out. He called out the Lieutenant to provoke him. Maybe he could find his way into a military prison or find someone good enough to end his service. He liked what he did too much and there was nothing for me … him back home. He got what he hoped for that day.”
“So the Lieutenant straightened him out?”
I nodded. “Andre just stood there and took it. Didn’t feel it. The Lieutenant got a couple of good shots in and finally knocked him out. He wouldn’t have had a chance if I’d … Andre fought back. When the sun finally came up Andre was the first one he sent up the hill. Never came down.”
I looked at him seriously. “Tell Denis if I ever do that again to just leave the cigarettes on the table and get you like he did before … Andre would have been quite happy to stick him for going to the Lieutenant and probably would have if he’d tried to stop him from taking one.”
He frowned. “Maybe we should wait on you carrying your gun …”
“Not Andre’s style,” I shook my head. “Too impersonal. Too quick. He was just as deadly with a gun but he never used one. It’s fading Paul. I feel … distance from it now. It’s funny. Andre was a lefty, frowned on back then but he did it anyway. And that Lieutenant reminded me of that man with my sister. Can’t put my finger on why.”
“You’re not sleeping much … you’re probably trying to dream when you’re awake.”
I didn’t realize that he had noticed. Mostly I just tried to lie still at night. “How could you tell?”
“You don’t move around as much as you used to. And you’re getting circles under your eyes,” he let me go and ran his thumb along under my eye. “You could ask Ray if there’s anything he can give you to help so you can get caught up on your rest.”
I looked up at him, brushing the tip of my nose along his chin. “I’ve never slept well in pyjamas … I’ll sleep better when I can wear less at home.”
“Debatable,” Paul whispered in my ear, flirting back. “I’m considering keeping you away a while longer. I can send Ray and Denis back and we can move on somewhere else for a while.”
“That’s your call,” I told him. “I’m not the one ultimately responsible for you and your men.”
I thought a moment longer. “Did you see how big she was? The baby is close for her. I know I’ll get through the next few months. I’m not afraid to go home,” I told him. “At least there I’ll have a weapon and a chance. Here … I’m just a target.”
Paul struggled for a minute with his decision.
“Okay,” he said. “We’ll go back. You promise you’ll carry your gun always. And please let me do my job … you’ll need to take any precautions I tell you to take.”
“I won’t let you down Paul. We’ll be okay,” I promised.