“Why’d you do it?”
Paul was loud and for a moment I thought I heard the legs of the chair he was in hit the hardwood floor for emphasis. I’d spent much of the last five days as still as I could. Ray had taken out the IV when I finished the Jell-O and I had a bottle of pills instead. The curtains were closed and in the lamp light his green eyes were grey with anger. I slowly shook my head; I had no idea what he was talking about.
He held up a piece of paper. “You were pregnant before we met. Was it some drunken mistake you thought you could pin on me?”
“No Paul,” I stammered as my doped up brain struggled. “I think it was Vancouver … torn in the trash Vancouver.” There had been a torn condom in the garbage when I was packing to leave Vancouver two weeks after we met. Only the second time we’d been together.
Paul put a hand on his head and tipped it back; a gesture I hadn’t seen before. “Twelve weeks … even out here in the bush we can read a calendar. Fuck Anna.”
The number helped with the math and damn it he was right. I’d jumped a lot during the summer and could easily have lost that many days to my magic travel.
“Should I be flattered? Do you wish it was me?”
I got an arm underneath me and pushed up to sit. “There’s only been you Paul,” I tried to stay calm not knowing how I could talk my way clear. “You know that. The paper is wrong.”
“Sure,” he said sarcastically. “I thought it was wrong when I first found out so Ray redid it. Was it your high school sweetheart Kenny? You said when you got here that he wanted his shot.”
“It wasn’t Kenny,” I answered wondering what else I’d gone off about during my blackout.
“Then who?”
“Paul Richards,” I spat out.
He shook his head and looked away. Then he pursed his lips and shoved them up at his nose.
“You know, I think of myself as a gentleman. If you’re woman enough to tell me the truth I’m man enough to back you up. The one thing that gets to me is lies.”
“Paul Richards,” I repeated.
“No Anna, not Paul Richards. Tell me it’s not me, tell me who it was and promise me that he doesn’t have a hope in hell with you otherwise I’ll get out of his way.”
“It was you Paul,” I stuck my legs over the edge of the bed and quickly wiped tears from my eyes with the back of my hand.
His anger seemed to soften as he stood. “I know you have feelings for me. You want it to be me. But it isn’t. Even when it’s here in black and white you’re sticking to the bullshit.
“I won’t tolerate being lied to,” he said raising his voice.
“And I won’t stand for being called a liar,” I shot back.
“There’s only one person who can fix this and it’s not me. I’m giving you a chance. Then we’ll see if we have anything we can put together for your kid.”
My arms reached around me and held tight so I could yell back. “I won’t lie to you!”
“You already are!” he yelled then he stomped over to the closet and pulled out my backpack. “I’m getting a truck.”
He threw it on the bed and stormed out.
I didn’t touch it. Instead I pulled the curtains and stared out the window. Snow fell hard. The roof sloped away about eight feet and it was already at least six inches deep. It clung to the branches of the trees thirty feet away at the far side of the overgrown back yard. I rested my elbows on the high sill and my forehead on the glass and watched the little circle I made change size as I breathed.
He’d never believe the truth even if I told him. The truck roared up to the front of the house and I heard Paul stomp snow off his boots before he came in and up the stairs. I knew he could see me from the other end of the long hallway since he left the door open.
“You’re going like that?” he asked. I wore one of his tees and a too big pair of pyjama pants Ray had scavenged for me. My breath hitched painfully in my chest and I sniffled. Paul disappeared into the bathroom and came out with a couple of tissues for me. I took them without looking at him as he leaned back against the window beside me.
“We never even got out the gate did we,” he said. “I thought your secret could explain it but I guess it can’t. I can live with the truth. I think there’s more for us ahead. I can’t live with the lie that I’m your baby’s father.”
I sat on the bed and looked at my fingers, trying to smooth out the wrinkles they’d already made in the tissue. Paul didn’t move. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he watched me.
“What secret?” I asked.
“You said a lot of things when we brought you in. Between swearing at me for cutting off your favourite leather jacket and trying to take Ray’s eyes out you told me how you got here. We thought it was how hard you got hit on the head. I didn’t pay much attention until something happened later.
“I don’t think you’ve ever told anyone. Maybe you’re afraid I’ll think you’re crazy but if you are then I’m right there with you.” Paul took three quick steps toward me and dropped on his knees. The paper was half under the bed. He picked it up and turned it into a ball.
“Please Anna,” he said desperately. He needed proof more powerful than the email with Ray’s name on it from Shasta Medical. His hand went on my stomach.
“Please,” he said again. “Don’t let your stubbornness screw this up. It’s more than just two adults here. I know in my heart he’s mine. Tell me how I got you pregnant before I ever laid eyes on you.”
“You didn’t Paul,” I whispered starting to bend. “Tell me what I don’t remember.” I hadn’t asked anything about how he found me or my two missing days. I’d avoided it so I could avoid the discussion I couldn’t get out of now.
“Trust me, Sugar … then you’ll tell me?”
I nodded. So help me I would.
“Denis radioed when we were having dinner … said we had an intruder. He’d found something. Your motorcycle was there. I ordered a search. It was cold and if you’d wandered into the woods you’d be in trouble.
“I have a couple of big store sheds down the west road … you were hiding. You wouldn’t let us get a collar on you or anything to move you. Said men were coming for you … attacked you. I finally had to phone you to stop you from going out but there was no answer. It didn’t make any sense. You gave in and let us wrap you up and move you in here. You said it was too late to stop them.”
Paul got up off the floor and sat beside me. “Then what?”
“You said you were riding by your home with a bunch of people. Three of them separated you and tried to run you into a car. You were scared … then you were on dirt and the other three crashed. You pulled over and ran when you saw a big fight. Ducked down an alley.”
He looked away. “Someone ran you down hard from behind. You were in pain, saw a knife. Then he was gone and the sun was up.
“You said you were in the same place he attacked you but you went back in time to get away. It sounded all mixed up. You thought I was on Vancouver Island and had no idea where you really were.
“Ray finally let you off the board and you went after him for trying to give you morphine. I was pissed at him but he wouldn’t without your permission. Mercifully you passed out while we relocated your shoulder.”
Paul moved closer, putting his arm around me and I let my head rest on his shoulder.
“The road out front filled with the sound of motorcycles. I ran out … those fuckers who hurt you were back and I wanted my piece. I don’t think I ever ran so fast, there was still dust in the air from their crash. Lieutenant Wells pointed one of them out to me running for it, they had the others.”
I could hear his voice tighten as he went on and his other arm went around me. I tensed not knowing why.
“He ran between the sheds and I flattened him with every ounce I had. He screamed like a girl and I heard his head hit the ground, felt him flatten underneath me. I slammed my elbow in his face but he wasn’t going anywhere … got my knife out … ready to make him pay for what he did to you. I started to drive it to his throat … and I was alone on the ground as my knife sunk into the dirt and your scent filled my nose.”
His hand went up and wiped his eyes.
“The bikes were gone … the three who came with you were gone. You were gone. I ran back to the house and you were still passed out.
“It was me Sugar. I didn’t listen. I’m the one who hurt you, I know it.”
I took a deep breath and turned my head to look at him. “I remember the pain and the knife in the moonlight,” I admitted. “I didn’t see your face … then I was alone and the sun was up. I pushed myself behind the barrels and woke up here in your bed.”
Paul let me go and moved away a bit.
“Are you afraid of me?” He sounded so small. His guilt rolled in to me in waves. I took his elbow as I turned to him carefully putting one knee to his side and swinging the other over. An involuntary gasp from the movement hurt my side more than the movement did. I straddled him, not too close and pulled his face to mine.
“You were protecting me,” I told him.
“I tried to kill you.”
“Would you ever lay a hand on me?” I asked and he shook his head. “Then how could you try to kill me? You were trying to protect me.”
He met my eyes briefly and nodded, seeming to relax a bit.
“How did it happen?”
“It was Vancouver,” I told him. “Two weeks after we met.”
Disappointment spread over his face. After telling me his crazy story he obviously wanted to hear something other than what he’d heard already. “But more days have passed for me than for you. You saw some of those hours yourself. To you I didn’t get hurt until after you and Ray treated me.”
“How?” he asked again, whispering.
I leaned on Paul to rest a bit and wrapped my arms around his head. “When I left you to go home the day after we met I rode west. It didn’t take long to decide I would jump home. That’s what I call it. I waited for dark. I’m never sure where I’ll wind up so it feels safer.
“Every season being out in the open gets harder. I can feel something up there, pressing on me. Agoraphobia is a fine thing for a nomad on a motorcycle.
“I knew I’d be just as exhausted if I jumped as if I rode straight through. At least I’d be spared the days of fear. I don’t think I made a single trip anywhere last summer without jumping home.”
Paul reached around my butt and pulled me close.
“When it got dark I started to set it up,” I said as I straightened up so I could keep an eye on his reaction. He just listened and I was fine with that. “I picture where I want to be. I think it’s emotional. I have to really want to be there. Pressure starts low in my back as I let desperation for the place take over. It climbs and as it gets into my shoulders I get pushed around.”
His hands worked their way up my back as I talked and I felt my tension disappear, not build like I described. He wanted to believe me. I shifted my hips on him needing to be much closer than I was and he leaned back kissing my chin in response.
“Mm,” my voice lowered. “It gets up in my helmet … doesn’t matter how fast I’m going I get pushed down on the tank and the pressure gets up in my head.”
Paul worked the knots from my neck as my mouth quit working. “Go on …,” he breathed as he settled for holding me. He had to cool me off if he wanted to hear the rest of it.
“I … it gets so strong it hurts … I make sure I’m completely focused. Then I close my eyes and open up the throttle. I was sitting in the trees. The smell of pine and damp earth was right so I knew I was near home. It was the same day and time as when I started the jump but I was three thousand kilometres away. My phone rang … it was you.”
“You said you were five minutes from home, up the hill by the city pound.”
“I was. A car passing below lit up my bike in its headlights and I went home. Paul I had three days of gas receipts … days that hadn’t happened yet. My passport was stamped at Peace Arch three days away. The odo showed the whole trip.
“The next day I fell asleep for a long time … eighteen, twenty-four hours sometimes. A long black sleep; nothing wakes me. I aged three days I don’t remember. I know I did. Cuts heal, nails grow. My menstrual cycle speeds up. I could be a year older than my driver’s license shows. I just don’t know.”
“Incredible,” he said after a minute. “If I hadn’t seen it …,”
“Something went wrong this time Paul. I’ve only ever gone to a place … never to a person. And I jumped twice. Once to where you found me and the second time to stop you from doing something you’d never forgive yourself for doing.”
Paul nosed me until he found my mouth and pushed his hands down the back of my loose bottoms to grab my bare skin.
“I never lied to you Paul … did I say anything else?”
“You said you love Denis …,”
“He’s adorable in a loud and rough kind of way,” I laughed. Paul gave my butt a slap making me yelp in surprise.
“And Ray,” Paul added.
“Mm,” I answered. “He’s so serious and mysterious … ow.”
Paul turned and pulled me down beside him so I rested on my good side. He reached behind me and folded the bedspread over top.
“You said you love me.”
I paused as I felt the truth of his words.
“I didn’t lie to you,” I whispered putting my hand over my chest. “I think I did before you left me … I couldn’t let go. Maybe it was too soon to get so attached.”
“I think its okay Sugar,” he replied as he tucked my head into my favourite place under his chin. “We’re having a baby. It’s okay.”
“Did you say you love me too?” I yawned settling in to sleep.
“Yes.”
“I don’t feel empty anymore Paul.”
“Neither do I,” he whispered. I closed my eyes and gave in to the pain pills for a while.
“Is she asleep?” Ray whispered. Paul nodded and I agreed. I was definitely asleep. “It’s interesting. He’ll get his long memory from you but what do you think he’ll get from her? Your son could be unlike any who have come into the family.”
Paul eased himself out of bed and I slept a little longer in silence. “You know that’s a long way off Ray. Damian knows she’s here now and the pregnancy is the only thing that grants her our protection. One way or another, he can’t have her.”
“You didn’t always live by that Paul,” Ray said. “I’m glad I don’t have your job.”
“Yeah, you never did like me sleeping with your sister.”