ACT I

SCENE ONE

Callimaco and Siro

CALLIMACO: Siro, don’t go. I want to tell you something.

SIRO: Here I am.

CALLIMACO: I imagine you must have been quite surprised by my sudden departure from Paris, and wondering that I have been a whole month here without doing a thing.

SIRO: That is true.

CALLIMACO: If I haven’t told you before now what I am about to tell you, it’s not because I don’t trust you, but because in my view it is better for a man not to discuss the things he doesn’t want known unless he has to. But I think I might need your help, so I will tell you everything.

SIRO: I am your servant, and servants should never ask their masters anything or peek into their private affairs. But when the master speaks of his own accord, a servant must serve loyally. That is what I’ve always done and what I will always do.

CALLIMACO: I know, I know. You must have heard me say this a thousand times, but it won’t matter if you hear it a thousand and first time: When I was ten and my mother and father died, my guardians sent me to Paris, where I lived for twenty years. I had been there just ten years when King Charles marched on Italy and the Italian wars began, which ravaged the whole country. I decided to stay in Paris and never return to Italy, as I felt I could live more safely there than here.

SIRO: So it is.

CALLIMACO: And having from Paris commissioned someone to sell all my property in Florence except for my house, I settled down in France and continued living there most happily for another ten years …

SIRO: I know.

CALLIMACO: … dividing my time among studies, pleasure, and business, always striving that no activity should encumber the others. As you know, I lived a calm life, being of use to everyone and doing my best not to harm anyone, so that from what I could tell I was liked by townspeople and gentlemen, foreigners and locals, rich and poor.

SIRO: This is true.

CALLIMACO: But Fortune deemed that I was having too good a time, and sent a certain Cammillo Calfucci to Paris.

SIRO: I am beginning to guess what your trouble is.

CALLIMACO: I often invited him to my house, as I invited many other Florentines in Paris. Then one day, as we were conversing, we began to debate which were more beautiful, the women of Italy or the women of France. As I could not evaluate Italian women, since I was young when I left, another Florentine who was present debated for France, and Cammillo for Italy. After many arguments presented by both sides, Cammillo, almost irate, proclaimed that even if all Italian women were monsters, there was one lady of his family who could single-handedly win back their honor.

SIRO: Now I see what you mean.

CALLIMACO: And he named Madonna Lucrezia, the wife of Messer Nicia Calfucci. He so praised her beauty and grace that he left the rest of us stupefied. He sparked such a desire in me to see her that without further ado, and without giving a thought to war or peace in Italy, I set out for Florence. Here I found to my amazement that Madonna Lucrezia’s beauty far outshines its fame, which so rarely happens. I have been seized by such a desire to be with her that I shall go mad. SIRO: Had you told me about this in Paris, I’d have known how to advise you. But now I don’t know what I can say.

CALLIMACO: I’m not telling you this so you can advise me, but to get it off my chest, and also to have you prepare yourself to help me should the need arise.

SIRO: I am ready and willing, but what hopes do you have?

CALLIMACO: Alas, none—or few, if any.

SIRO: Oh, why is that?

CALLIMACO: I’ll tell you. First of all, her nature wages war on me, for she is most virtuous and a stranger to matters of love. Then, she has a husband who is extremely rich and who allows her to rule him in every way, and though he is not prodigiously young, he is not prodigiously old either, from what I can tell. She has no relatives or neighbors with whom she could go to a soiree or a ball, nor does she involve herself in any of the entertainments in which the young delight. No tradesmen ever visit her house. All her maids and servants tremble before her, so there is no possibility of bribery.

SIRO: So what do you think you might be able to do?

CALLIMACO: No circumstance is ever so desperate that one cannot nurture some spark of hope. And even if this spark is weak and futile, man is blinded by his will and desire to achieve his goal.

SIRO: So what is it that gives you hope?

CALLIMACO: Two things: One is the foolishness of Messer Nicia, who, though a doctor of law, is the simplest and most foolish man in all of Florence, and the second is his desire to have children. They have been married for six years and have not had any yet, but as they are so rich, they do not wish to die childless. There is also a third thing that gives me hope: Her mother used to enjoy going out on the town a bit, but now she is rich and I’m not sure how she is to be approached.

SIRO: Have you tried anything yet?

CALLIMACO: Yes, I have, but nothing substantial.

SIRO: What do you mean?

CALLIMACO: You know Ligurio, who’s always coming around to dine here? He used to be a matchmaker, but now he’s taken to scrounging lunches and dinners. He is a charming man, and he and Messer Nicia have become quite inseparable. Ligurio is swindling him for all he can. Messer Nicia never asks him to dinner, but sometimes lends him money. I’ve befriended Ligurio and told him about my love, and he’s promised to help me body and soul.

SIRO: You must be careful he doesn’t trick you. Such villains aren’t known for their loyalty.

CALLIMACO: True. But when a man will gain from a deal, and you make certain he knows it, he will serve you loyally. I have promised him a good sum of money if he succeeds. And if he doesn’t, he’ll get a lunch and a dinner out of it: That way at least I won’t have to dine alone.

SIRO: What has he promised to do so far?

CALLIMACO: He has promised to talk Messer Nicia into taking his wife to a spa this May.

SIRO: What good will that do you?

CALLIMACO: What good? A spa might change her nature. In such places all people do is enjoy themselves, and I’d go there and instigate all the fun I could, missing no occasion for extravagance. I would befriend her, her husband … You never know. One thing leads to another, and time has a habit of steering things.

SIRO: That’s not a bad scheme.

CALLIMACO: Ligurio left me this morning saying he’d have a word with Messer Nicia and would let me know.

SIRO: Ah, I see them coming toward us.

CALLIMACO: I shall step a little to the side so I’ll be in time to talk to Ligurio once he has gotten rid of Messer Nicia. In the meantime, go back inside and continue what you were doing. I’ll let you know if I want you to do something for me.

SCENE TWO

Messer Nicia and Ligurio.

NICIA: That was very good advice you gave me. I had a word with my wife, and she told me she’d let me know today. But to tell you the truth, I can’t say I’m champing at the bit.

LIGURIO: You’re not?

NICIA: Home is home, and I don’t like crawling out of my cave. Not to mention having to drag wife, servants, and cartloads of knickknacks across open fields. That’s not my idea of fun. Also, I spoke to all kinds of doctors yesterday: One tells me to go to San Filippo, another to Porretta, another to Villa. They’re all a bunch of frauds! Those damn doctors couldn’t find your gizzard if you dangled it before their eyes.

LIGURIO: It’s the idea of leaving Florence that’s putting you on edge. You’re just not used to losing sight of the great cupola.

NICIA: You’re wrong there. When I was younger I was a great vagabond. I was always the first to stroll over to Prato whenever they had a fair, and there’s not a castle within walking distance of Florence that I haven’t been to! And I’ll have you know that I’ve often taken a stroll over the hill to Pisa or to Livorno, so there!

LIGURIO: You must have seen the Gleaming Tower of Pisa.

NICIA: You mean the Leaning Tower?

LIGURIO: Oh, yes, the one that leans. And did you manage to see the sea at Livorno?

NICIA: Of course I did.

LIGURIO: How much bigger than our Arno River is it?

NICIA: How much bigger? Four times bigger! Maybe even six, maybe seven times. You wouldn’t believe it, but all you see is water, water, water!

LIGURIO: I’m surprised that having sown your seed in every corner of the earth you would make such a hullabaloo about going to one of the spas just outside town.

NICIA: What a milksop you are! Do you think it’s a trifle to pack up a whole house? But I’m so eager to have children that I’m ready to do anything. Go have a talk with those doctors and see which of the spas that they suggest would be best for me to go to. I’ll be with my wife in the meantime. I will see you later.

LIGURIO: That is a good idea.

SCENE THREE

Ligurio and Callimaco.

LIGURIO [aside]: I cannot believe you’ll find a more foolish man in all the world! And yet how Fortune has favored him: He is rich, and he has a beautiful wife who is wise, has every grace, and is fit to rule a kingdom. People say about marriage, “Like meets like,” but if you ask me, that is rarely the case. You often see a man of substance married to a beast of a woman, or a wise woman on the arm of a fool. But Callimaco has something to hope for from this man’s foolishness. [Enter Callimaco] Ah, there he is. Hello, have you been lingering in the shadows?

CALLIMACO: I saw you with Messer Nicia and was waiting for you to get rid of him so you can tell me what you’ve accomplished.

LIGURIO: You know what kind of man he is: of very little wisdom and even less spirit. He resists leaving Florence, but I’ve warmed him up to the idea, and he has finally agreed to everything. I believe he will follow our lead should we decide on that plan. Only I’m not sure we can reach our goal that way.

CALLIMACO: Why not?

LIGURIO: Well, you know all kinds of people go to those spas, and some man might show up who will find Madonna Lucrezia as appealing as you do, a man richer than you and of a more pleasing countenance, so that you run the risk of exerting yourself only for the benefit of others; or else the large number of competitors will make her more reticent, or once you have overcome her reticence, she will favor someone else, not you.

CALLIMACO: I know what you are saying is true. But what can I do? What path can I choose? Where can I turn? I must try something, be it momentous, be it dangerous, harmful, underhanded! It is better to die than to live like this. If I could sleep at night, if I could eat, if I could converse, if I could take pleasure in anything at all, I would be more patient and wait for the right moment. But there is no remedy, and if I cannot be kept in hope by some scheme, I shall die! Hence, if I am bound to die, I don’t see why I should be afraid of anything! I’m even ready to throw myself into a scheme that is wild, cruel, abominable!

LIGURIO: Don’t say such things! Restrain such impulses!

CALLIMACO: You know well enough that it is in order to restrain these impulses that I am entertaining such thoughts. Therefore we must either pursue sending him to a spa, or set out on some other path that will give me hope—some false hope at least—so that I can sustain a thought that will at least help assuage my suffering.

LIGURIO: You’re right, and I’ll be the one to help you.

CALLIMACO: I believe you will, even though I know you make a profession of duping people. Anyway, I don’t believe that I will be one of your dupes, because if you try to hoodwink me I will take revenge, and you will lose the use of my house and any hope of getting all that I have promised you.

LIGURIO: You mustn’t doubt my loyalty: Even if there were not the profit you mentioned, and which I am hoping for, I feel that your temperament mirrors mine, and I am quite as eager for you to fulfill your desire as you are yourself. But let us leave all that aside. Messer Nicia has commissioned me to find a doctor to see which spa would be best for him to go to. What I suggest is this: You will tell him that you have studied medicine, and that you have had ample experience in Paris. It will be easy to convince him, fool that he is, and as you are a man of letters, you will be able to spout a few words of Latin at him.

CALLIMACO: Where will that get us?

LIGURIO: It will get him to the spa that we choose, and will help me put into effect another scheme I’ve thought up, one that will be quicker, more certain, and quite possibly more successful than the spa.

CALLIMACO: What do you mean?

LIGURIO: What I mean is that if you have courage and put your trust in me, by this time tomorrow I shall present you with a fait accompli. Then, even if Messer Nicia were a clever enough man—which he isn’t—to realize that you are not really a doctor, our fast action will ensure either that he will not have time to weigh the matter, or, if he does, that he won’t have time to interfere with our plan.

CALLIMACO: Your words fill me with life! This is too great a promise, and gives me too great a hope. How do you intend to do it?

LIGURIO: You will find out when the time is ripe. For now there is no need for me to tell you, for we barely have time to put things into action, let alone discuss them. Go back home and wait for me there. I shall go find Messer Nicia. If I bring him to you, I want you to follow my lead and play along with anything I say.

CALLIMACO: I will do it, even though you’re filling me with hopes that I fear might end up drifting away like smoke.