ACT V

SCENE ONE

Friar Timoteo alone.

FRIAR: I didn’t close an eye all night, such is my fervor to hear how Callimaco and the others fared. I tried to pass the time in various ways: I said matins, read the Lives of the Holy Fathers, went over to the church and lit a lamp that had gone out, changed a veil on one of the statues of Our Lady that has wrought miracles. How many times have I told those brother friars of mine to keep her clean! And then they wonder why the votive offerings don’t keep coming! I remember the days when we had five hundred offerings—now you’d be hard put to find twenty! But I’ll tell you one thing: It’s our fault! We’ve not done a good job of keeping the church’s reputation going. In the old days we used to walk in solemn processions after the evening service, we had hymns sung every Saturday. We would have the congregation pledge solemn vows so that there’d always be a stream of votive offerings. Yes, back then we always got both men and women to make vows and purchase offerings! Now none of that’s being done. And then we’re surprised when business is down? My brother friars have nothing but air in their heads! But I hear a great ruckus coming from Messer Nicia’s house! Here he comes, by my faith! They’re sending out the prisoner. I’ve come just in time. They’ve squeezed out the last drop, and dawn is breaking. I shall step aside to hear what they are saying.

SCENE TWO

Messer Nicia, Callimaco, Ligurio, and Sim, all in disguise.

NICIA: You grab him from that side, and I’ll grab him from here, and you, Siro, hold on to his mantle from behind.

CALLIMACO: Don’t hurt me!

LIGURIO: Don’t be frightened, just get a move on.

NICIA: Let’s not go any farther.

LIGURIO: Good idea. We can free him here: Whirl him around twice so he doesn’t know which way he came from. Whirl him, Siro!

SIRO: Here we go.

NICIA: Again!

SIRO: Here we go again.

CALLIMACO: What about my lute?

LIGURIO: Away with you, you rascal! One more word and I’ll chop your head off!

NICIA: He’s run away. Let’s go get out of these clothes: We’d do well to go out early this morning so it doesn’t look as if we’ve been up all night.

LIGURIO: That is a splendid idea.

NICIA: Ligurio and Siro, go and find Doctor Callimaco and tell him that everything went well.

LIGURIO: What do you expect us to tell him? We don’t know anything. After all, once we were inside your house, we went into the cellar to have some wine. It was your mother-in-law and you who stayed with them, and we didn’t see you again until now, when you called us to help you kick him out of the house.

NICIA: You’re right. Ha, do I have some funny things to tell you! There was my wife in bed in the dark. Sostrata was waiting for me by the fire. So I took the young rake upstairs, and so that I could get a good look at what’s what, I pushed him into a storeroom off the hallway where there’s enough light to see, but not enough for him to get a good look at my face.

LIGURIO: Very clever.

NICIA: I told him undress, but he dug in his heels. Then I went at him like a rabid dog, and he ripped off his clothes as if they were on fire. So there he stood stark naked. His face was quite ugly—what a nose, and his mouth all twisted!—but I’d never seen a handsomer body! White, smooth, soft. As for his other … um … charms … I shall say no more.

LIGURIO: The less said the better, I think. But why did you need to see all that?

NICIA: Why did I need to see all that? I’d already poked my finger into the pie, so there was no reason not to check the filling. I also wanted to see if he was healthy: If he had the pox, where would I be now? You hadn’t thought of that, had you?

LIGURIO: You’re right, I hadn’t!

NICIA: Once I assured myself that he was healthy, I dragged him out of the storeroom and into the chamber, where I pushed him into the bed. And before I left I poked my hand under the blanket to see if the fellow was rising to the occasion. I’m the kind of man who grabs a bull by the horns.

LIGURIO: I marvel at the wisdom with which you handled this matter!

NICIA: Once I made sure everything was coming up roses, I left the bedchamber, locked the door, and went to sit with my mother-in-law by the fire, where we stayed up all night waiting and talking.

LIGURIO: What did you talk about?

NICIA: About how foolish Lucrezia is, and how she’d have done better to give in right away, without all the back-and-forth. Then we talked about the baby that I can already see in my arms, the chubby-cheeked little rascal! Until I heard the bells strike six. Worried that dawn was about to break, I went into the bedchamber. And would you believe it, there was no waking that scoundrel!

LIGURIO: I believe it.

NICIA: He was lying there like a roast pig in its own juice, but I got him up, summoned you, and we took him outside.

LIGURIO: So things went very well.

NICIA: But would you believe it, I feel bad.

LIGURIO: You do?

NICIA: I feel bad that that poor fellow will have to die so soon, and that this night will cost him so dearly.

LIGURIO: Ah, is that all you’re worried about? Well, let that be his problem.

NICIA: You’re right.—But it’s taking an eternity to find Doctor Callimaco, I want to tell him the good news!

LIGURIO: He’ll be out within the hour. Ah, the sun’s come up already. We’ll go and change. What about you?

NICIA: I’ll go home as well and dress. I’ll see to it that my wife gets up, and I’ll have her come to church with me to have her purified. I’d like Callimaco to be there too, so we can see the friar to thank him and reward him for everything he has done.

LIGURIO: That’s a splendid idea. Go with God.

SCENE THREE

Friar Timoteo alone.

FRIAR: I have heard what Messer Nicia said and am well pleased, considering what a fool that man is. But his final words please me no end! As they are all coming to see me, I don’t want to dally here, but will go and wait for them in church, where my merchandise is worth more. But who is that coming out of that house over there? It’s Ligurio, if I’m not mistaken, and the man with him must be Callimaco. I don’t want them to see me here, for the reason I’ve just mentioned. After all, even if they don’t find me in church, I can always go look for them.

SCENE FOUR

Callimaco and Ligurio.

CALLIMACO: As I’ve already told you, Ligurio, I felt quite uneasy until two in the morning. Though it was such a pleasure, it didn’t seem right. But then I revealed to her who I was and told her of my love for her, and how easily we could live happily without a breath of scandal, her husband being such a fool. I promised that should God ever whisk him off, I would take her as my wife. These were all sound enough reasons, but once she experienced the difference between my technique and that of Messer Nicia, and between the kisses of a young lover and those of an elderly husband, she sighed a few times and said: “Your shrewdness, my husband’s foolishness, my mother’s silliness, and my confessor’s wickedness have led me to do what I would never have done of my own accord; therefore I accept that it was the will of Heaven for things to be this way. And as it is not for me to question the will of Heaven, I submit. I shall take you as my lord, master, and guide. You will be my father, you will be my champion, I want you to be my idol of goodness. And what my husband wished for a single night, I want to be forever. Be a brother to him, come to the church tomorrow morning, and then come back home to dine with us. From then on, you will be able to come and go at will, and you and I will be able to be together whenever we desire without scandal.” I melted at the sweetness of her words, and was unable to say even a fraction of what I wanted to say. I am the happiest and most delighted man in all the world! And if this happiness does not elude me through death or the passing of time, I shall be more blessed than the blessed, more saintly than the saints.

LIGURIO: I am overjoyed at anything good that befalls you, and pleased that everything has turned out exactly as I predicted. What shall we do now?

CALLIMACO: Let us go to the church, for I promised to be there when she, her mother, and Messer Nicia arrive.

LIGURIO: I hear their door opening: it’s them! They’re coming out with Messer Nicia in tow.

CALLIMACO: Let us go to the church and wait for them there.

SCENE FIVE

Messer Nicia, Lucrezia, and Sostrata.

NICIA: Lucrezia, I think it would be good to do things fearing God, and not in just any old way.

LUCREZIA: Oh, do we still have to do more?

NICIA: Ha, she’s become quite feisty.

SOSTRATA: Don’t be surprised—she’s a changed woman.

LUCREZIA: What do you mean by “doing things fearing God”?

NICIA: I mean that it would be good for me to go on ahead and talk to the friar and tell him to meet you on the steps of the church so he can lead you in to the purification ceremony, because this morning it truly is as if you were reborn.

LUCREZIA: So go ahead.

NICIA: You are really feisty this morning! And yesterday evening you seemed more dead than alive.

LUCREZIA: I have you to thank.

SOSTRATA: Go find the friar. Oh, but you needn’t—I see him in front of the church.

NICIA: Yes, there he is.

SCENE SIX

Friar Timoteo, Messer Nicia, Lucrezia, Callimaco, Ligurio, and Sostrata.

FRIAR [to himself]: The only reason I’m coming out is because Callimaco and Ligurio told me that Messer Nicia and the ladies are coming to the church. And here they are.

NICIA: Bona dies,⁸ Father.

FRIAR: Welcome, welcome. May all this augur well, Madonna Lucrezia, and God send you a nice baby boy.

LUCREZIA: May God will it!

FRIAR: God will most definitely will it.

NICIA: Do I see Ligurio and Doctor Callimaco inside the church?

FRIAR: Yes, sir.

NICIA: Wave them over.

FRIAR [to Callimaco and Ligurio]: Come here!

CALLIMACO: The Lord be with you.

NICIA: Doctor, take hold of my wife’s hand.

CALLIMACO: Gladly.

NICIA: Lucrezia, this man is the reason we will have a staff to lean on in our declining years.

LUCREZIA: I am most grateful, and would be happy if he would be our friend.

NICIA: Bless you, Lucrezia! I would like him and Ligurio to come dine with us today.

LUCREZIA: Most definitely.

NICIA: And I shall give them the key to the room above the arcade so that they can come whenever they like, as they do not have women at home to attend to them.

CALLIMACO: That is very kind. I will gladly make good use of it from time to time.

FRIAR: Am I to receive some money for charitable purposes?

NICIA: You certainly will, Friar. It will be sent you today.

LIGURIO: Will anyone see to Siro?

NICIA: Let him come to me: What is mine is his for the asking. Lucrezia, how many coins do you have on you for the Friar’s purification ceremony?

LUCREZIA: I don’t quite remember.

NICIA: Well, how many?

LUCREZIA: Let’s give him ten grossi.

NICIA: Well, I’ll be hanged!

FRIAR: And you, Madonna Sostrata, it seems, have made a robust new stalk shoot up in place of the old.

SOSTRATA: That’s reason enough to rejoice, wouldn’t you say?

FRIAR: Let us all go inside the church, where we can say our prayers. Then, after the sermon, you can go back home and dine at leisure.—As for you, dear spectators, do not wait for us to come back out: The service will be long, and afterward I shall stay inside the church, while they will use a side exit to go home. Farewell.

8. Latin: “Good day.”