RULES FOR AN ELEGANT SOCIAL CIRCLE

“Rules for an Elegant Social Circle” stands out among Machiavelli’s preserved works for its biting satire of Florentine mores of the early sixteenth century. It is uncertain when Machiavelli wrote this piece, but as Michelangelo’s statue of David is mentioned in the text, it would have been after 1504, which was the year the statue was erected in the Piazza della Signoria.

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A circle of ladies and gentlemen would gather for soirees where they often did amusing things, but often dull things as well. They had not found a way to make the amusing more amusing or the dull less tedious, for though they sometimes thought up little pranks, they never made the effort to carry them out. Finally a quick-witted member of the circle who had some experience in the ways of the world took it upon himself to organize—or I should say codify—some rules for these soirees, so that everyone could contrive this or that diversion for the amusement of a lady, a gentleman, or perhaps even both, but then also execute it. It was therefore decided that the circle would submit to the following rules, which were agreed upon by common consent:

No gentleman under the age of thirty is to be admitted to the circle, though ladies of any age may attend.

The circle will have a leader—either a lady or a gentleman—who will hold office for eight days. Gentlemen serve as leaders in descending order, from the gentleman with the longest nose to the one with the shortest, while ladies will serve in ascending order, from the lady with the smallest foot to the one with the largest.

Any gentleman or lady who does not within a day broadcast everything said or done at one of the soirees will be punished in the following manner: A lady transgressor will have her slippers nailed in a prominent place for all to see, with a note bearing her name; a gentleman transgressor will find his hose hung prominently inside out for all to observe.

Members of the circle must make a point of speaking badly of one another and revealing one another’s sins to any and every stranger, trumpeting said transgressions without restraint.

No gentleman or lady of the circle may go to confession except during Holy Week. Should a lady transgress, she will be obliged to convey the leader of the circle to the confessional, and should a gentleman transgress, the leader of the circle will convey him there whenever he sees fit. (A blind confessor ought to be chosen, and if he is hard of hearing, too, even better.)

On no account must any member say a good word about another, otherwise he or she must submit to the above punishment.

If any of the gentlemen or ladies deem themselves uncommonly good-looking, and two witnesses can be found, the lady will be obliged to reveal her leg up to four finger widths above the knee, while the gentleman will have to reveal whether he is sporting a handkerchief or the like in his codpiece.

The ladies will be obliged to go to the church of the Friars of the Servi¹ at least four times a month, or at any other time members of the circle tell them to go. Should they fail to do so, they will have to go twice as often.

If a lady or gentleman launches into an anecdote and the other members of the circle do not interrupt them, these other members will be condemned to a punishment devised by the lady or gentleman who was not interrupted.

All decisions in the circle will be reached by a minority of votes. The smallest number of votes will always win.

If a member of the circle has been told a secret by a brother or close friend and has not revealed the secret to the ladies and gentlemen of the circle within two days, the transgressor will have to do everything backward without hope of ever being absolved from this punishment, directly or indirectly.

The members of the circle cannot and must not ever allow a moment of silence. The more a gentleman or lady chatters, the higher the commendation. The individual who is first to pause will be shunned by the rest of the company, so that he or she can ponder this transgression.

No member of the circle can or may render any kind of favor to anyone—but if compelled to do so, this favor must be executed in such a way that it will ultimately turn against the suppliant.

Each lady or gentleman shall be obliged to exhibit envy at any benefit enjoyed by another, and must act spitefully. Should any member of the circle not seize the opportunity to act with malice in such a situation, the transgressor will be punished at the pleasure of the circle’s leader.

Should a lady or gentleman at any time or in any place encounter someone laughing or spitting or the like, they must imitate this action under pain of being compelled to do whatever is asked of them for a whole month.

So that all are content, every gentleman and every lady must undertake to sleep unencumbered by a husband or wife for fifteen days out of every month, under pain of having to sleep with said husband or wife every single night without respite for two months.

The lady or gentleman of the circle who can say the most while meaning the least will be held in highest esteem and honored above all others of the company.

Every lady and gentleman must attend every single feast, church fête, and pardoning in the city, as well as every afternoon gathering, soiree, spectacle, dinner, or other entertainment arranged in people’s houses. A lady who fails to attend any of these must submit to being locked up with monks, and a gentleman in a nunnery.

The ladies of the circle will be compelled to spend three-quarters of their time standing by a window or a door—behind or in front, as they please—while the gentlemen of the company must parade before them at least twelve times a day.

No lady of the company may have a mother-in-law. Should one of the ladies still be inconvenienced by one, said lady will have to dispose of her within six months by a purgative or some such means, which may also be used against a husband who does not fulfill his obligations.

The ladies of the circle may not wear crinolines or other such impeding undergarments, and the gentlemen must not lace and bind their underdrawers, which they must instead pin together, a practice strictly prohibited the ladies under pain of their having to inspect the David on the piazza through glasses.²

In order to appear in a better light, the ladies of the circle as well as the gentlemen will be forced to boast of things they do not own and do not do. Should any individual speak the truth about straitened circumstances and the like, they will be punished at the pleasure of the leader.

No one must show an inner state through any outward sign. In fact, quite the opposite: The lady or gentleman who can conceal true feeling best will deserve the highest commendation.

The greatest part of a lady or gentleman’s time must be spent in dressing and preening. Any member of the circle who contravenes this rule will do so under pain of not being glanced at a single time.

A lady or gentleman who dreamily recounts what he or she did or said the day before will have to kneel with his or her bottom up for half an hour while everyone administers corrective measures.

Anyone attending Mass who does not keep looking around, or seat himself in a prominent position to be admired by all, will be punished for the sin of lèse-majesté.

No lady or gentleman, particularly those wishing to have children, must put a shoe on the right foot first under pain of having to walk barefoot for a month, or longer if the leader of the circle decrees it.

No one lying down to sleep will be allowed to close both eyes at the same time. The lady or gentleman must close one eye first and then the other—which is in fact the best method for conserving one’s eyesight.

The ladies will have to walk in a way that will not show how much of their foot is revealed by their shoe.

No one may blow his nose while observed, except in an emergency.

The ladies and gentlemen of the circle will be obligated to scratch when it itches, under pain of a fine to the Florentine Office of Finances.

Fingernails and toenails are to be cleaned every four days.

In order to appear taller, the ladies of the circle will be compelled to put something beneath them whenever they sit.

A doctor no older than the age of twenty-four must be chosen for the social circle, so that he will be able to administer first aid to all the members without succumbing to exhaustion.

1. In Mandrake, act III, scene 2, Lucrezia stopped going to the Friars of the Servi because she was molested by one of the friars.

2. Michelangelo’s statue of David had recently been placed on the Piazza della Signoria in Florence.