ACT IV

SCENE ONE

Callimaco alone.

CALLIMACO: I wish I knew what they’ve managed to do. Will I ever see Ligurio again? Four o’clock has come and gone—it’s five already. Oh, the anguish! How true it is that Fortune and Nature keep their books balanced: They never send good your way without sending evil too. The more my hope has grown, the more my fear has grown as well. Woe is me! How can I live in so much pain, racked by these fears and hopes? I am a ship whipped by two opposing winds, which it need fear all the more as it approaches its haven. Messer Nicia’s foolishness fills me with hope—Lucrezia’s prudence and steadfastness fill me with fear. Alas, wherever I turn there is no respite. At times I try to get hold of myself, chastise myself for this passion, ask myself: “What are you doing? Have you gone mad? Once you have obtained her, what then? You will see your error, and repent all your exertions and thoughts. Don’t you know how little good ultimately turns up in what man desires, as opposed to what he hoped to find? On the other hand, the worst that can happen is that you will die and go to Hell; but so many have died, and there are so many men of quality in Hell—is there any reason why you should be ashamed to join them? Look Fate in the eye! Escape evil, or if you cannot escape it, then at least bear it like a man. Don’t bow your head before it, and don’t lower yourself like a woman.” Here I am bolstering myself. But my spirits are bolstered only for a little while. I am assaulted from all sides by such a desire to be with her just once that I am racked from head to toe: legs shaking, innards rattled, my heart trying to break out of my chest, my arms at a loss, my tongue gone mute, eyes blinded, head spinning. If only I could find Ligurio, I could let off some steam.—But here he is, hurrying toward me! His news will give me life or kill me altogether.

SCENE TWO

Ligurio and Callimaco.

LIGURIO [aside]: I’ve never been so eager to find Callimaco, nor have I ever had such a hard time doing so. If I had been the bearer of bad news, you can be sure I’d have run into him right away. I’ve been to his house, the piazza, the market, the Pancone delli Spini, the Loggia de’ Tornaquinci, and haven’t managed to find him. Men in love have quicksilver in their feet, and cannot stay still.

CALLIMACO [aside]: Why do I refrain from calling out to him? But he strikes me as quite happy. Hey, Ligurio! Ligurio!

LIGURIO: Ah, Callimaco! Where have you been?

CALLIMACO: What news, Ligurio?

LIGURIO: Good news.

CALLIMACO: Truly good news?

LIGURIO: The best.

CALLIMACO: Lucrezia is agreeable?

LIGURIO: She is.

CALLIMACO: The friar has set things up?

LIGURIO: He has.

CALLIMACO: O blessed friar! I shall forever pray to the Lord on his behalf!

LIGURIO: Ha, ha, I like that! As if God bestows his grace for evil as well as good! The friar will want more than your prayers.

CALLIMACO: What will he want?

LIGURIO: Money

CALLIMACO: I’ll give him some. How much did you promise him?

LIGURIO: Three hundred ducats.

CALLIMACO: You did well.

LIGURIO: Messer Nicia has already coughed up twenty-five.

CALLIMACO: What?

LIGURIO: He paid up: Why ask questions?

CALLIMACO: What about Lucrezia’s mother, what did she do?

LIGURIO: What didn’t she do? No sooner did she hear that her daughter could have a fun night without its being a sin, she begged, cajoled, and reassured Lucrezia until she finally agreed to see the friar. Then she saw to it that her daughter would agree.

CALLIMACO: Lord in Heaven! What have I done to deserve so much grace? I could die of happiness!

LIGURIO [aside]: What kind of man is this? First he wants to die of sorrow, now he wants to die of happiness. [To Callimaco] Is the potion ready?

CALLIMACO: Yes, it is.

LIGURIO: What are you sending Messer Nicia?

CALLIMACO: A goblet of elegant spiced wine, just the thing to settle one’s stomach and invigorate the mind … Oh no, oh no! I am ruined!

LIGURIO: What is it? What happened?

CALLIMACO: All is lost!

LIGURIO: What the devil’s happened?

CALLIMACO: Nothing has happened, nor is anything likely to happen! I’ve dug a hole and fallen into it!

LIGURIO: Why? Tell me what you mean! Take your hands from your face.

CALLIMACO: Do you remember I told Messer Nicia that you, he, Siro, and I would grab some fellow and push him into bed with his wife?

LIGURIO: Well?

CALLIMACO: What do you mean, “well”? If I am with you, how am I supposed to be the man who will be grabbed? And if I’m not with you, Messer Nicia will catch on to our trick.

LIGURIO: You have a point there. But isn’t there a way out?

CALLIMACO: Not that I can see.

LIGURIO: There must be!

CALLIMACO: Like what?

LIGURIO: I need a moment to think.

CALLIMACO: Oh, that’s great! All is lost if you have to start thinking now!

LIGURIO: I have an idea!

CALLIMACO: YOU do?

LIGURIO: I’ll have the friar, who’s helped us up to now, do the rest.

CALLIMACO: HOW?

LIGURIO: We’ll all be in disguise. I’ll disguise the friar, who will change his voice, his face, and his clothes, and I’ll tell Messer Nicia that he is you. He’ll have no reason to doubt it.

CALLIMACO: I like the idea. But what am I going to do?

LIGURIO: Well, you could wear one of those rakish mantles and come strolling along past his house, sporting a lute and singing some little ditty.

CALLIMACO: What, with my face uncovered?

LIGURIO: Yes, because if you were wearing a mask you’d rouse suspicion.

CALLIMACO: But he’ll recognize me.

LIGURIO: No, he won’t. You’ll have to twist up your face: Hold your mouth open, or try pouting, or perhaps scowling—close one of your eyes. Go on, try.

CALLIMACO: You mean like this?

LIGURIO: No.

CALLIMACO: Like this?

LIGURIO: No, that’s not enough.

CALLIMACO: How about this?

LIGURIO: Yes, yes, remember that one. I have a false nose at home: I want you to stick it on.

CALLIMACO: Fair enough. And then?

LIGURIO: We’ll be here as you come around the corner. We’ll grab your lute, seize you, lead you to the house, and shove you into bed. The rest you will have to do yourself.

CALLIMACO: As long as I get that far.

LIGURIO: You will get that far. But getting back will be entirely up to you.

CALLIMACO: What do you mean?

LIGURIO: You’ll have to win her over tonight. Before you leave, you must tell her who you are, reveal the trick, profess your love, tell her how dearly you hold her, and how she can be your friend without the slightest touch of scandal, or your enemy with a blazing scandal. It’s impossible that she won’t reach some kind of agreement with you, and refuse a second encounter.

CALLIMACO: Do you think so?

LIGURIO: I am certain of it. But let’s not lose any more time. It’s already past seven o’clock. Call Siro, send the potion to Messer Nicia, and wait for me in your house. I shall go find the friar. I’ll have him put on a disguise and then I’ll bring him here. After that we’ll go get Messer Nicia and see to everything.

CALLIMACO: That’s a good idea. Off you go!

SCENE THREE

Callimaco and Siro.

CALLIMACO: Hey, Siro!

SIRO: Yes, sir?

CALLIMACO: Come here.

SIRO: Here I am.

CALLIMACO: Go get the silver goblet in my bedroom cabinet. Cover it with a cloth and bring it to me. Make sure you don’t spill anything along the way.

SIRO: I’ll be right back. [Siro exits]

CALLIMACO: He’s been with me ten years and has always served me loyally. I think I’ll find him loyal in this matter too. I haven’t revealed the trick to him, but I’m sure he’s guessed what we’re up to, as he’s enough of a rascal—and from what I can see, he’s playing along.

SIRO [reentering]: Here it is.

CALLIMACO: Good! Quick, go to Messer Nicia’s house and tell him that this is the medicine that his wife must take immediately after dinner—and the sooner she dines, the better. We’ll be waiting around the corner at the appointed time, so tell him to meet us there. Hurry!

SIRO: I’m on my way.

CALLIMACO: Listen. If he wants you to wait, then do so and come back here with him. If he doesn’t want you to wait, then come back as soon as you’ve given him the medicine and the message. Do you understand? SIRO: Yes, sir.

SCENE FOUR

Callimaco alone.

CALLIMACO: I’m waiting for Ligurio to return with the friar. Whoever said that waiting is the hardest part was speaking the truth. I’m losing ten pounds an hour thinking where I am and where I could be two hours from now, frightened that something might come up to ruin my plan. If that happens, this will be the last night of my life, because I will throw myself into the River Arno, or hang myself, or hurl myself out one of the windows, or plunge a knife into my heart on her doorstep. I will end my life somehow! But is that Ligurio I see? Yes, that’s him! And he has someone with him all hunchbacked and limping. That must be the friar in disguise. Those friars! You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. But who’s that other fellow? That must be Siro, who will have given the message to Messer Nicia. Yes, that’s him. I’ll wait for them here, so we can join forces.

SCENE FIVE

Friar Timoteo in disguise, Siro, Ligurio, and Callimaco.

SIRO: Who’s that with you, Ligurio?

LIGURIO: A worthy gentleman.

SIRO: Is he really lame, or is it part of his disguise?

LIGURIO: Mind your own business.

SIRO: He has the face of the Devil himself!

LIGURIO: Hold your tongue! You’re rattling me! Where’s Callimaco?

CALLIMACO: Here I am, welcome.

LIGURIO: Callimaco, you need to have a word with this clown! Every time he opens his mouth …

CALLIMACO: Listen, Siro, tonight you must do exactly as Ligurio says. When he tells you to do something, I want you to jump to it, as if the order came from me. Whatever you see or hear must be kept in strictest secrecy, if you value my property, my honor, my life, and what’s good for you.

SIRO: I shall do exactly as you say.

CALLIMACO: Did you give Messer Nicia the goblet?

SIRO: Yes, sir.

CALLIMACO: What did he say?

SIRO: That he will do everything as planned.

FRIAR: Is this Callimaco?

CALLIMACO: At your service. Let us settle the conditions: I put myself and my entire fortune at your disposal.

FRIAR: I humbly accept, and take you at your word. I have done things for you I would not have done for anyone else in the world.

CALLIMACO: Your efforts will not go unrewarded.

FRIAR: Your kindness toward me is sufficient reward.

LIGURIO: Let’s drop the ceremonies. Siro and I will go disguise ourselves. You, Callimaco, come with us so you can get ready too. The friar will wait for us here: We’ll be right back, and then we can go off to get Messer Nicia.

CALLIMACO: Great, let’s go.

FRIAR: I’ll be waiting for you here.

SCENE SIX

Friar Timoteo in disguise.

FRIAR: How right are those who say that bad company will lead a man to the gallows! And a man will come to such an end as much from being too good and too easily swayed as from being too much of a villain. God is my witness that I have never intended to harm anyone: I kept to my cell, preached my sermons, attended to my flock. But suddenly that devil Ligurio appeared and made me dip my finger in sin, into which I then plunged my whole hand until I fell in all the way, body and soul, and who knows how deep I still have to sink! One saving grace is that when many people are involved, many have to share the burden.—But here come Ligurio and that servant.

SCENE SEVEN

Friar Timoteo, Ligurio, and Siro, all in disguise.

FRIAR: Welcome back.

LIGURIO: Do we look good?

FRIAR: Very good indeed.

LIGURIO: All we need now is Messer Nicia, and we’ll be ready. Let’s go over to his house, it’s already past eight! Off we go!

SIRO: Who’s that at his door? Is it him or a servant?

LIGURIO: No, it’s him. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

SIRO: What are you laughing at?

LIGURIO: How can I help laughing? He’s donned a cape that’s so short, his bottom’s uncovered. And what the devil is he wearing on his head? It looks like one of those monk’s hoods, and he’s got a little sword too. Ha, ha! And he’s muttering something. Let’s conceal ourselves here so we can hear how his wife’s been raking him over the coals.

SCENE EIGHT

Messer Nicia in disguise.

NICIA: The trouble that fool of a woman is making! She’s sent her maids to her mother’s house and my servant out to the country. A wonderful idea, of course. But what’s not so wonderful is all the moaning and groaning I had to put up with before she got into bed—“No, I can’t go through with this!” “Oh, this’ll be the end of me!” “What are you making me do?” “Angels in Heaven!” “Woe is me!” If her mother hadn’t sworn she’d give her a good hiding, she’d never have got into that bed. A pox upon her! I don’t mind a feisty woman, but there’s a limit to everything! She’s driven me up and over the wall, the rabid little shrew. If I were to say, “Find me one levelheaded woman in all of Florence and I’ll hang myself!” her reply would be, “Why, what have I done to deserve this?” As sure as Pasquino entered Arezzo through the back gate, I’ll make sure she’s good and ready in that bed before the evening’s done. But I must say I cut a splendid figure in this outfit: No one would ever recognize me. It makes me a good deal taller, younger, and slimmer—there’s not a bawd in all of Florence who’d have me pay to bed her. But where is everyone?

SCENE NINE

Ligurio, Messer Nicia, Friar Timoteo, and Siro.

LIGURIO: Good evening, sir.

NICIA: Oh, ah, I say!

LIGURIO: Don’t be afraid, it’s only us.

NICIA: Oh, so you are all here? If I hadn’t recognized you in the nick of time, I’d have plunged my sword into you, good and hard. Is that you, Ligurio? And is that you, Siro? And the other one here, is that Doctor Callimaco?

LIGURIO: Yes, Messer Nicia.

NICIA: Let me take a look at him! Oh, he has disguised himself excellently, his own grandmother wouldn’t recognize him.

LIGURIO: I’ve had him put two nuts in his mouth so his voice won’t give him away.

NICIA: You fool!

LIGURIO: Why?

NICIA: You should have told me! Then I’d also have put two nuts in my mouth, if it’s that important for our voices be disguised too!

LIGURIO: Here, you can put this in your mouth.

NICIA: What is it?

LIGURIO: A ball of wax.

NICIA: Let me try … yuck, ugh, ooh, what, yuck, ooh, ugh, ooh! A dropsy upon you, you damn rascal!

LIGURIO: Forgive me, I gave you the wrong one by mistake.

NICIA: Yuck, yuck, ugh, ooh … What, what w-w-was it?

LIGURIO: Just a little purgative resin.

NICIA: A curse upon you! Yuck, ugh! Doctor, aren’t you going to say something?

FRIAR: I’m outraged that Ligurio gave you that!

NICIA: I say, you are doing a splendid job of disguising your voice!

LIGURIO: Let’s not waste any more time. I shall assume the role of captain, and will set up our forces for the coming battle. Callimaco will be on the right flank, I shall be on the left, and Messer Nicia will be in between. Siro will bring up the rear to bolster any flank that might flag. The battle cry will be “Saint Cuckoldino”!

NICIA: Who is Saint Cuckoldino?

LIGURIO: The most honored of all the saints in France. Forward, march! Let’s set up our ambush here at this corner. Listen! I hear a lute.

NICIA: Yes, it’s a lute! What shall we do?

LIGURIO: We must send out a scout to see who he is and then act according to what he reports back.

NICIA: Who will go?

LIGURIO: Siro, you go. You know what you have to do. Observe, examine, return swiftly, report!

SIRO: Yes, sir! [Siro exits]

NICIA: I don’t want us to slip up and grab some old doddard who can barely stand up, or we’ll have to go through this whole rigmarole again tomorrow.

LIGURIO: Rest assured—Siro’s a good man. Ah, he’s back. What did you find?

SIRO [reentering]: He’s the handsomest young fellow you’ve ever seen. He can’t be a day over twenty-five. He’s alone, and he’s coming this way wearing one of those stylish mantles and playing a lute.

NICIA: If what you say is true, then he’s just what we’re looking for. If he’s not, believe me, you will end up with more than egg on your face.

SIRO: Have no fear, he’s just as I say.

LIGURIO: Let’s wait till he gets to this corner, and we’ll jump him.

NICIA: Come over here, doctor. You strike me as a man of steel. Here he is!

CALLIMACO [enters, singing]: “The Devil might come to lie with you, while I’m far across the oceans blue.”

LIGURIO [seizing Callimaco]: Fear not, sir! Give me that lute!

CALLIMACO: Alas! Leave me be! What have I done to you?

NICIA: You’ll see! Cover his head and gag him.

LIGURIO: Turn him around.

NICIA: Turn him again—and again! Take him into the house!

FRIAR: Messer Nicia, I shall retire, as I have a most prodigious headache. If I am not needed, I shall not return until tomorrow.

NICIA: Indeed, we will not need you this evening, Doctor. We’re quite able to handle this on our own.

SCENE TEN

Friar Timoteo in disguise.

FRIAR: They are nicely tucked up in the house, so I shall now return to my monastery, and you, dear audience, do not blame us: For if we were not to move on to the next act, then neither you nor I nor anyone here would get any sleep tonight. Before the next act, I shall have given a sermon, Ligurio and Siro will have dined, as they haven’t eaten all day, and Messer Nicia will have left his bedchamber for his living room, as too many cooks spoil the broth. Callimaco and Madonna Lucrezia will not sleep a wink, because I know that if I were he and you were she, you and I wouldn’t sleep a wink either.