Generally speaking, people are not very original. No matter who you are or what you do, you will inevitably be asked the same questions by every stranger you meet. Typically, your interrogators will show a degree of tact. After all, they don’t want to offend you. But if you happen to belong to that small segment of the working force that has sex on screen for a living, tact goes out the window. Since you are revealing so much of yourself on camera, most people figure that no question —no matter how personal— is off-limits.

I am not just referring to men here. Women actually hit on me much more aggressively than men, who generally stammer a few words while staring at my breasts and then run away to a safe distance where they can stare at my breasts some more.

So, I present to you a list of answers to the most common questions I am asked. Now, when you see me, you’ll have to think of something original to say.

Question: Are those real?

Answer (Good Mood): Yes, real expensive.

Answer (Bad Mood): Yeah, right. It’s natural to be 110 pounds with double-D’s.

With Melissa.

Question: What do I have to do to date you?

Answer (Good Mood): It’s all about confidence. It doesn’t matter what you look like or how much money you have. If you are self-assured, and you act like you can have me if you want me, then I’m yours.

Answer (Bad Mood): Get reincarnated.

Question: Hey, do you remember me? We met at the [convention/strip club] ten years ago. I’m [Generic Name] from [Generic City].

Answer (Good Mood): Um, sure. I meet a lot of people, but I guess you look familiar.

Answer (Bad Mood): Oh my God, [Generic Name]! Where the fuck have you been?! I’ve been thinking about you. In fact, I was just about to call. How’s that data-entry job working out for you?

Question: Do you ever eat?

Answer (Good Mood): I lack too much self-discipline to starve myself. I just have good genes.

Answer (Bad Mood): Yes, I eat a lot more than you. But I also work. I’m not sitting on my ass watching some girl burn calories in a strip club.

Question: Do you get off when you have sex on camera?

Answer (Good Mood): One hundred percent of the time.

Answer (Bad Mood): One hundred percent of the time when I say I do, I’m lying.

Question: Don’t you get sore?

Answer (Good Mood): I probably have sex less than you. I only make about three movies a year, so there’s no real chance for me to get sore.

Answer (Bad Mood): Yes, in fact I’m having orgies so often that I need vaginal rejuvenation surgery weekly.

Question: Is your sex life at home different than in the movies?

Answer (Good Mood): It makes you a little selfish at home. I give less oral and I hate being on top. I’m lazy. The last thing I want to do when I’m home is act like a porn star.

Answer (Bad Mood): No. I always say to my man, “Let’s pound away on the stove for three hours.”

Question: How much money do you make a year?

Answer (Good Mood): Millions.

Answer (Bad Mood): I’m just scraping by, trying to put myself through real-estate school and support my three children. So how about giving me one hundred dollars for talking to you?

Question: How many people have you slept with?

Answer (Good Mood): Somewhere between sixty and eighty people —men and women, on screen and off.

Answer (Bad Mood): More than you, less than my bodyguard Clay.

Question: Do you have a significant other?

Answer (if it’s a hot chick asking): No.

Answer (if it’s not a hot chick asking): Yes.

Question: How do I get in the business?

Answer (Good Mood): See Book IV, chapter 11.

Answer (Bad Mood): Whip your dick out and get hard right now in front of all these people.

Question: Were you molested/raped/beaten/abused?

Answer (Good Mood): I don’t like to talk about it. I’m not one of those girls who goes into detail about it on Howard Stern. I don’t want to be an open book free for the entire world to read —I need to charge at least $27.95, hardcover.

Answer (Bad Mood): No.

Question: Does size matter?

Answer (Good Mood): Oh, no. I like all sizes. It just depends on how you use it.

Answer (Bad Mood): Of course. Any woman who tells you otherwise is lying. It’s like asking, “Does the size of a woman’s pussy matter?” If it’s too big or too small, it’s not going to work for you.

Question: Will you come visit me in prison?

Answer (Good Mood): Thank you for writing. Here’s a signed glossy photo for you to whack off to.

Answer (Bad Mood): Thank you for writing. Here’s a signed glossy photo for you to whack off to.

Question: My girlfriend loves you. Would you get together with her while I watch?

Answer (Good Mood): Let me see your chick.

Answer (Bad Mood): Let me see your chick and, if I like her, you can leave.

Question: How much would I have to pay to have sex with you?

Answer (Good Mood): Well, my husband bought me a $2.5 million house. Can you beat that?

Answer (Bad Mood): Even if there was a nuclear war and we were the last two people alive and the entire future of the human race depended on us breeding, and you had a gun to my head and said you’d kill me if I didn’t have sex with you, I’d still want a $2.5 million house first.