PART
1

I don’t mind heavy guys, skinny guys, short guys, tall guys, little boys, old men, trust-fund babies, chronically unemployed slackers, convenience-store clerks, rat-catchers, drug addicts, or rock stars (who fit into most of the above categories anyway). I like all kinds. But that doesn’t mean that I’ll let all kinds into my bed.

Ultimately, the deciding factor is the lack of a “dealbreaker.” I can have a perfect dinner with the hottest guy, but if he opens his mouth and smells like dead fish, the date’s over. That is a dealbreaker. For most girls, dirt underneath a guy’s fingernails is a dealbreaker because nobody wants that filth left up their insides after a night of passion. There are many dealbreakers, and in one crucial moment any one of them can end a relationship before it’s even begun.

Below are ten dealbreakers, all of which I have experienced. Consider this a not-to-do list:

1. THOU SHALT NOT drive a Porsche and then take me back to your studio apartment in Valencia.
2. THOU SHALT NOT speak any of the following lines:
   1. “I’ll just put the head in.”
   2. “So does this mean I’m not getting any?”
   3. “We don’t have to use a condom; I’ve never had a problem before.”
   4. “What do you mean you don’t want to cuddle?”
   5. “My friends will never believe this.”
   6. “I can put all those guys you’ve worked with to shame.”
   7. “I ran out of money. Where’s your purse?”
   8. “These sex toys are basically new.”
   9. “We have to be quiet. My mother’s sleeping.”
   10. “Your tits feel almost as good as my sister’s.”
   11. “I swear the camera is not on.”
   12. “Well, my ex-girlfriend used to do it.”
   13. “If it’s the police, tell them I’m not home.”
   14. “It’s not contagious anymore.”
   15. Any question from Book VI, Chapter 4.
3. THOU SHALT NOT keep your dead pets preserved in Saran Wrap in the freezer.
4. THOU SHALT NOT ask me to quite smoking, drinking, taking pills, or watching reality TV shows.
5. THOU SHALT NOT have any of the following items in your house:
   1. A face tanner.
   2. A douche bag in the shower.
   3. Tubes of Preparation H in the medicine cabinet.
   4. Meals prepared by your mother in the refrigerator, each in a Tupperware container labeled for a different day of the week.
   5. Posters in the bedroom of Traci Lords, Ron Jeremy, Bill O’Reilly, or any other porn star who has written a book that can possibly compete with mine.
   6. Dirty laundry that has been folded and stacked in neat piles.
   7. Makeup from an ex-girlfriend of more than six months, especially if her last name was James.
   8. More fur coats than I have.
6. THOU SHALT NOT be able to take a bigger dildo than I can.
7. THOU SHALT NOT have a tan line in the shape of a thong.
8. THOU SHALT NOT pass gas in front of me, pick your nose and flick the boogers, cry on the first date, or, most egregiously, put your hand down your pants, check your smell, and then lean over to kiss me with your face reeking of ass.
9. THOU SHALT NOT pretend like it slipped. (I refer here to back-door guys who try to put it in your butt every other stroke.)
10. THOU MAY leave the toilet seat up. But thou shalt not leave the toilet seat down and pee on it.

Commandments that my husband, Jay, has broken:

2, 4, 5, 8, and 10.