Chapter 9

I blasted the A/C the moment I started the car. Double rising suns make for some gnarly car bake. I cranked up my radio and tried to drown out the voices in my head with some old skool Guns ‘n Roses. But “Sweet Child of Mine” just made me think about my dad, which made me think about my mom, which brought me back to the fact I had an evil uncle who was tearing down the boundary between two planes of existence and the entire fate of several worlds was somehow now my responsibility.

Crap.

My cell phone chirped and I picked it up. No, Verizon doesn’t cover the Other Side with its 4G network. We have our own version of contract mobile hell to deal with.

“Maggie speaking,” I barked into the receiver.

“Maggie, we have another skip. Ghoul seems to have decided to go day tripping. You in?” asked Lacy.

“I’ll swing by to pick up the paperwork now.”

Nothing got my spirits soaring like work and nothing sent them stratospherically like something to distract me from a bigger problem.

I pulled into the courthouse, a gothic nightmare of grey stones and cold iron. Guess they wanted all the bureaucrats to feel at home. The guards on the turrets lowered their crossbows as they saw who it was. I gave them a little wave as I drove across the drawbridge.

I parked right next to the Bureau of Records and jumped out of my car.

The office was cramped. Filing cabinets and a large desk took up most of the space. What was left over was taken up by the ogre processing paperwork.

“Hey, Frank!”

He looked up at me with his one eye and sighed, “Shit. You? They had to call you?”

“Easy, Frank, you’ll make me think you don’t like me.”

He let out a huff, sending a rank breeze of halitosis my way. Eyes watering, I reached into my bag and pulled out a box, “Breath mint?”

“You’re lucky I let you live.” He took a mint in his massive paws and chewed it thoughtfully before handing me a folder, “Here’s the skip. Ghoul named Izpanki. Said he had business on the Other Side and outstayed his travel plans.”

I flipped through the file. Seemed routine enough. Ghouls are tough in that they can take the form of whatever they have most recently eaten, but are notoriously lazy and tend to hang out in cemeteries like nursing home residents waiting for the buffet line to open.

I tucked the file in my purse, “Thanks, Frank. I will count the moments until we are reunited.”

Frank let out a loud, ripping fart and then smirked at me.

I seriously needed to reconsider my career path.

As I drove away, I began to mentally note all the items needing to be checked off prior to departure. Laundry, cat sitter for Mac…

…and Killian.

He said he would be waiting for me, and as I turned the corner, sure enough, there he was, perched on one leg like a goddamned stork. Knowing he’d stand like that for a century without shifting, I decided I should relieve the poor bastard.

I pulled in front of him and opened the door from the inside. He hopped in and buckled his seatbelt, “Did you learn anything of use?”

“Yah.”

“Care to expound?”

I sighed, “Mom said my uncle is responsible for the weakening border. He got stuck on Earth and is probably trying to get home to the Other Side. She said I should bring you with me.”

“I have always thought her to be a wise woman.”

“You know my mom?”

“Know ‘of’ your mom.”

“Let’s keep it that way, shall we?”

I pulled into the driveway of my home, shut off the car and gathered up my files.

“What is that in your hand?” Killian asked, pointing at the file about the ghoul.

“Eh, just a job I decided to pick up.”

He placed his hand on my arm, “I am sorry if I was not clear, but you have a task you are bound to.”

“Don’t get your boxers in a bunch. I may be bound to save the world, but I have bills.”

“My mistress, the Queen of the Elves, can provide for you…”

I held up my hand and stopped him right there, “Listen, it’s bad enough I have to haul you around, I’m not going on any magical princess’s payroll. Besides, it gives us a great cover while we hunt down my uncle. Now, would you get out of my way so I can open the door?”

Once inside, I placed a couple calls, begged a professional service to make sure nothing ate Mac while I was gone, and went upstairs to throw some clothes into my suitcase. But as soon as I shut the bedroom door behind me, I picked up the phone again.

“Hello?” came a soft, feminine voice on the other end.

“Mindy!”

“Maggie?”

Mindy was that twin sister of mine living on Earth - married to a really nice guy named Austin, two car household, family dog, flossed regularly and ate five fruits and vegetables a day.

I tucked the phone on my shoulder and started packing. I could hear pots and pans clanging in the background. I’m sure she was probably whipping together a caramelized duck l’orange soufflé casserole flambé from scratch or something.

“Mind if I come hang out in your guest room for a week or so?”

“Why…?” she asked cautiously.

It should tell you a lot about our relationship that she knew enough to ask “why”.

“Listen, there is something happening… actually, I can’t talk about it on the phone. Can I come?”

“Of course,” she said. And that was why she was the best sister. Whether it meant her neck was at risk or not, the door was always open.

“Oh… and do you mind if I bring a guest with me?”

“Who?”

“A guy I know…”

“MAGGIE!!! We’ve been on the phone all this time and you didn’t tell me about a guy? Are you coming across to tell us you’ve met someone?”

I couldn’t even stifle the laugh, “No.”

I could almost hear her wilt with disappointment over the phone.

“Well, fine. But you better be at least sleeping with him.”

“I’ll see you tonight, okay?”

“Okay. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

And with that, we hung up in complete sync.

My house was one of the few houses in the Other Side with a direct line to Earth. It was a slight misuse of power, but whatevs. Just one of those little perks of Dad’s gift.

I threw my duffel bag to the bottom of the steps. There was nothing in it that would break.

I entered the room. Killian was sitting with his leg up in my armchair, all tunic and tights.

“So, do we need to swing by your place to pick up some stuff?” I asked him.

“I am ready whenever you are, sweet Maggie.”

I eyed up his gold threaded doublet and poofy sleeves. Great. He was going to blend in like a circus clown at the New York Stock Exchange. But, hellz, if he wanted to go running around Earth looking like he had escaped duties at the RenFest, who was I to judge.

“Come give me a hand,” I sighed.

He followed me into my spare room. In the corner stood my dusty computer and an unused futon. I opened up the closet and flipped open a console hidden behind a sliding panel. I input a sequence of letters and numbers, and the wall opened up to reveal my armory. Killian gave a low whistle.

“What? You’ve never seen a girl’s hope chest before?” I said.

He smiled and chuckled, “I am afraid you are not quite like the other girls I have known, Maggie.”

I pulled down my crossbow with the silver tipped bolts, my Remington Model 870 shotgun, my Bushmaster AR-15 Semiautomatic Rifle, my Smith & Wesson Model 10 Revolver, my Colt M1911, my Glock 22, several flasks of St. Ubaldus’s Highly Holy Water, a couple crucifixes blessed at Lourdes, my Tiffany silver stakes, a MLB approved Pro Stock Louisville Slugger, and a basket full of organic garlic heads from a Whole Witch Natural Food Markets. Killian’s eyes widened.

“You gonna give me a hand carrying this all out to the car or what?” I asked.

He dutifully picked up the bags as I packed them and began hauling.

I looked out the window. The sun was starting to set. It had been a full day. I walked into the kitchen where I had taken off my neckguard and clicked it back into place, spinning the dials of the locks as Killian re-entered.

“We should get moving before dark,” I said. “Things that go bump in the night and all.”

He nodded.

I poured a couple bowls of dry cat food for Mac and filled up his water fountain. Yes, my cat has one of those fountains from the Sky Mall. I might spend my day killing monsters with icy cold focus, but I wasn’t heartless. You think about drinking out of a stale cup all day. I let Killian and myself out, locking the door behind me.

Dusk was just starting to settle across the landscape.

As were several dark shapes flying over the treetops.

“Shit shit shit shit shit. Killian? We have company! Get in the car!”

He looked up and took off at a full sprint. We hit the car at the same time and had the doors open, shut, locked, and car revved before the vamps hit my property line.

“Bounty on my head, huh?”

Killian nodded as he tried to see where they went.

That’s when I heard the thud on the roof of my car as the first vamp landed. His nails punctured through the metal like knives through rice paper.

“Fuck. Now I’m going to have to use an umbrella in the car when it rains.”

I cornered hard and could hear him sliding. His feet dangled by Killian’s window. He got in a good kick and a circular spider web fractured the glass.

“Do me a favor. Reach out your window and yank him off, would you?”

“The glass will not roll down…“ Killian said, frantically pressing the window button.

P.O.S. car. I cornered hard to the right. The vampire slid the other way. I rolled down my window to keep from having to make another call to my insurance company.

“Take the wheel.”

Foot heavy on the gas as Killian steered, I reached out with two hands and yanked the vamp hard. I could feel his cold muscles struggle to climb back onto the roof.

“Turn right! Turn right!” I shouted at Killian.

The momentum of the car flung the vamp and I could hear his torso hit the roof hard as his legs flew out. I reached into the top of my boot and pulled out my silver spike. I slammed it through the roof as Killian continued to corner the car. I heard an inhuman scream. The nails retracted from the roof. I rolled up the window and pulled out the spike. I saw the vampire fall off the car and onto the road. Two more vampires dropped out of the sky to check in on him.

Unfortunately, Killian was still cornering and I got a great big eye lock with ‘em before I could wrest the wheel away. Locking eyes with a vampire: “Way To Get Yourself Killed Right Quick #84” in the Idiots Guide to Not Getting Dead By A Monster . I could hear their siren call of seduction and felt a none too unpleasant sensation down in the general direction of my hoohaw.

“Maggie, stay with me!”

And then I felt a stinging slap across my face as well as a healthy whiff of leather and man.

I looked at Killian, his hands still on the wheel.

“You back?” he asked.

“Yah. Thanks.”

I grabbed the wheel from him and gunned my car straight at the vamps. I hit them like a pair of ten pins in a macabre game of Bowling for Blood. The vamp on the ground and a second guy went under my wheels. The third hit my hood and then went over the top of my car. I looked into my rear view.

Yah, it’s only on Earth that you can’t see them in a mirror.

I glanced over at Killian. His pupils were dilated as he hung onto the suicide handle.

The grin crept to the corners of my mouth and spread into a wide smile. “That was hot,” I said.

Killian shook his head and laughed, “You, my dear Maggie, are sick.”