Chapter 25

Old Chinatown is a fun place. It was originally built as a shopping area by the local Asian population. Nowadays, the cobblestone courtyard and little trinket shops serve as a smoke screen for secret Mahjong halls and borderline sweat shops.

We walked down a particularly stinky alley to a tiny, little doorway squeezed tightly between two buildings. The red security gate had some newspaper stuffed in the lock and opened with a gentle push. We walked up the concrete steps to a landing where dusty California succulents sat baking next to two dog-sized lion guards.

I knocked on the aluminum screen door and could hear shuffling feet inside.

When the door opened, I met the eyes of a bitty old man, cigarette burning in the corner of his mouth.

“Xiaoming?”

His sunken chest sported a stained wife-beater and his blue striped boxer shorts had seen better days. You could tell he had dressed up for company, though, because he had managed to throw on a ratty old robe and open-toed slippers to show off his holey socks.

“Come in,” he demanded. “Take off your shoes. You get the dirt in here.”

He appeared to have one vocal level and that was shouting on the same note.

I introduced myself, “Father Killarney said you might be able to help us.”

Xiaoming sat down at the kitchen table and pounded his thighs. The room was filled with sweetly scented incense that made a migraine sufferer out of me. I blinked back the headache and came over, stooping beneath the beaded curtain dividing the kitchen from his sparse living room. Killian was busy looking at an altar over in the corner.

“Don’t touch that, elf!” shouted our host. “You mess up everything!”

Killian backed away, “My apologies.”

“You just a big fat elf with your big fat elf fingers. You sit here.”

He pounded on the seat beside him. Killian dutifully came over, realizing he was no match for this guy.

I pulled out a piece of paper with the sketch on it, deciding permanent Sharpie was probably a bit safer than trying to maintain the drawing through handwashings.

“We were tracking an object…”

“This bad,” Xiaoming stated.

“What?”

“This is bad symbol. What you tracking?”

“A jade lion.”

Xiaoming took a long drag on his cigarette and stared me in the eye.

“Do you know anything about it?” I asked.

“Jade lion cannot leave Other Side. Where you take it?”

“I didn’t take it anywhere!” I protested.

“This elf symbol. You, stinking elf, where you take it?”

Killian leaned forward, “On my family’s honor, we had no knowledge of this theft. This fair lady and I, we wish to restore it to its proper place. But we do not know who stole it or what it even is.”

“You get it back!” Xiaoming barked. “I tell you where it go.”

I gave him a sideways glance, “If you weren’t a friend of Father Killarney, I’d like to tell you where to go.”

He glared back at me, “I the only one who know the truth of jade lion.”

“Obviously not the only one. We’ve got vampires and elves and really shitty extended family after it, too.”

Xiaoming took out his cigarette and pointed a leathery finger at the symbol, “This from Shadow Elf. They not know meaning of jade lion. They only know it thing of power. You say vampire after it?”

“Yes.”

“And ‘shitty family’? They after it, too?”

“Yes.”

“Why you after it?”

I sighed and pointed my thumb at Killian, “Because this elf here hired me to keep the border between Earth and the Other Side from collapsing and, evidently, this little jade lion is something important.”

Xiaoming nodded, “That is a good reason.”

He took a drag off his cigarette and sized me up, “Okay, friend of Father Killarney, I will tell you.” He leaned forward, “This jade lion very old. It comes from China. You know where China is?”

“I am not an idiot, Xiaoming.”

“Educational system in America is not as good as in China. You may be idiot. It is hard to tell with you white people.”

The elf started to laugh and tried to cover it up as a cough into his sleeve. I elbowed him in the ribs.

“Xiaoming, I’ve got to figure out if I’m hanging with my sister tonight or if I’ve got time to make it back to the portal. Let’s speed through the insults and get to the info part of this conversation.”

“This jade lion protect the Other Side portal to China. It was made by emperor who was a very powerful man. Very strong. Even when old, he does not need dried tiger penis to make the babies.”

“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Too much information, Xiaoming.”

“That is how strong emperor is! He have many Shaolin monks to carve this jade lion with their bare hands.”

“You can’t carve jade---”

He cut me off and stared me dead in the eye to make sure I understood the gravity of the claim he was making, “This emperor so powerful, his monks so powerful, they carve jade with their fingernails.”

Alrighty. Jade lion. Carved out of Shaolin monk fingernails. As awful as it sounds to say, I’d heard of stranger things. I motioned for him to continue.

“He make two lions of strongest elements. One jade. One diamond. They can open or close portal. Jade Lion on Other Side facing Earth. Diamond Lion on Earth facing Other Side. If facing wrong way, portal closed. Facing right way, portal opened. Anyone can make portal. He make it for his son who is not magic.”

Little lights started coming on in my head, “Wait. You’re saying that if you have someone on either side of the boundary with control of these lions, you can just tear right through, no problem?”

“That, white girl, is what I am saying to you. You say the Jade Lion taken by the Shadow Elves? That is better than vampire, but still, not good. You say shitty relatives after it, too. This is bad. You, elf, you get jade lion from Shadow Elves and make safe on Other Side. You, white girl, you get diamond lion.”

“Where is the diamond lion?” I asked.

“I do not know. Somewhere on Earth. Lions cannot cross boundary. He is here on Earth somewhere. You find diamond lion and bring him to me. I take him to China and keep him safe.”

“How can you keep the diamond lion safe? Your security gate doesn’t even shut.”

And then there was a growl from the door. I looked over and the two concrete lions had turned to stare at me in a very non-concrete manner. One of them lifted up his lip to give me a low growl.

My bad.

“Xiaoming, you can’t blame a girl for being nervous about your security when you failed to mention your statuary comes to life.”

He waved at the lions and they returned to their original positions.

“You bring it to me. I take it back to China. I have a passport. You find the diamond lion. And you tell Father Killarney he owe me money from our last poker game.”

“I will certainly tell him that.”

And with that, Xiaoming waved us out. Killian and I rose from our seats and backed out of the room feeling a bit like we had been steamrolled.