The Mature Male Brain
JOHN, A fifty-eight-year-old business consultant, looked younger and more fit than when I'd seen him five years earlier. At that time, he'd been going through a difficult divorce, and the stressful side effects had been written all over him. Now he not only seemed more relaxed, but he exuded the self-assurance of a man who had finally come into his own--and knew it.
What was different about John at age fifty-eight? Nothing and everything. He had the same personality and brain circuits he had in his thirties. But now his highly responsive Maserati male brain--built for pursuit, competition, and aggression--was starting to run a different fuel mixture, more suited to a luxury sedan. And he was starting to enjoy his slightly slower pace. This difference is a normal part of the mature male brain, initiated by a shifting ratio of hormones. And as his hormones shifted, so would his reality.
John sat down in my office with a sigh and explained that he'd been dating an interior designer named Kate for the past six months. He said, "Everything's going great with Kate, but my oldest daughter, Rachel, is really upset. I'm not sure if it's because Kate and I are getting more serious or because Kate's just six years older than Rachel." At this point, John started shifting in his chair and raking his hands through his salt-and-pepper hair. Frowning, he said, "Kate is young, but I've never met anyone like her before. I feel so close to her already."
John said that with Kate he even liked doing things that he used to avoid with women, like holding hands and cuddling. The tenderness he felt for her was new for him. Men in their fifties and sixties, like John, are beginning to make less testosterone and vasopressin, and researchers have shown that the ratio of estrogen to testosterone increases as men get older. Hormonally the mature male brain is becoming more like the mature female brain. Some scientists believe that with a different balance of fuels running a man's brain, he may become more responsive to his oxytocin, the cuddling and bonding hormone.
As a matter of fact, in studies in which researchers gave oxytocin to men, it improved their ability to empathize and enhanced their capacity to read subtle facial expressions. (Welcome to our world, guys!) Thus, because older men have lower levels of testosterone and vasopressin, estrogen and oxytocin may have a more dramatic effect on them. It certainly seemed that way for John, now that he'd met Kate.
If we could have watched John's brain as he sat across from Kate at their favorite restaurant, we'd have seen many circuits responding just as they had in his thirties. His visual cortex would be lighting up and registering how beautiful Kate was. And when she looked at him admiringly, his RCZ--rostral cingulated zone, the area that registers others' opinions of us--would have activated, signaling that she looked up to him. When she toasted him for winning a competitive business contract, we'd see his reward circuits, the NAc and the VTA, pulsing with activity. But as he reached across the table to touch Kate's hand, he first carefully studied her face and gazed into her eyes, looking for clues about how she really felt.
As dinner continued, his visual cortex would activate again and again as his eyes returned to her full lips and slender neck. Soon we'd see his sexual brain circuits light up. And as he looked forward to the night ahead, we'd see his reward circuits flashing brightly with eager expectation.
But as the topic turned to his daughters and the future, we'd see his ACC, the anxiety and worrywart center, activate. He said, "Kate, you know how I feel about you, but I have to wonder if our age difference is too big. You know, you have your whole life ahead of you."
When Kate firmly reassured him, "I don't want a younger man. I want you, John," we'd see his ACC calm down. And when she said, "I've never had anybody listen to me and understand me like you do. Guys my own age can't do that," we'd see his reward center turning back on. This was music to his ears.