LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON
Like Tim, fathers know it is their job to initiate their sons into the perilous world where boys become men. Tim's father was a hands-off kind of dad, and this was a role model Tim had decided not to follow. Although the traditional emotional structuring of the father-son relationship hinges on the authority of the father, Tim was determined to make his relationship with Blake about more than discipline. So far, he was succeeding. He played with Blake every day, gave him lots of hugs, and praised his accomplishments.
On the other hand, Tim knew that coddling his son would work to Blake's disadvantage, so he helped him to make right choices and made him do as much for himself as possible. When Tim took Blake hiking, Blake carried his own backpack and water just like Dad. Tim was proud that Blake wanted to imitate him, and he was determined to set a good example in every possible way. When Tim and Blake played follow-the-leader, Tim took turns leading and following so Blake could learn both roles well. And when he and Blake wrestled, he let Blake pin him at least once in every three matches. He also let Blake win other contests, like their father-son races and video games. Studies have shown that insecure fathers are unable to let their sons beat them at any game even when their sons are very young.
Tim was what researchers call a high-nurturing parent, and studies show that this type of parenting style is healthier for kids throughout life. The brain effects of high-nurturing and low-nurturing parents on college-age kids' brains showed that those who'd had low parental care in childhood ended up with hyperactive brain responses to stress, according to researchers. And these young adults released more of the stress hormone cortisol than peers who'd had high parental care in childhood.
And it's not just kids' brains that benefit from close physical contact. According to a study of fathers, close physical contact releases oxytocin and pleasure hormones in dads, too, bonding parent to child. One of Tim's favorite times with Blake was at the end of the day, after bath time, when he'd read story after story next to him in his little bed. Tim told me he especially loved it when Blake snuggled against him as he fell asleep. The more a man holds and cares for his child, the more connections his brain makes for paternal behavior. Tim's male brain had entered a new emotional reality. And oxytocin had helped his softer side to blossom, as it would throughout his manhood. The more both women and men know about how the daddy brain is formed, the more hope we have of turning our parenting partnerships into satisfying and supportive relationships and families. And this is just what the daddy brain needs to be at its best.