Manhood: The Emotional Lives of Men

WHEN I SAW Neil's name on my appointment calendar, I knew something was wrong. A forty-eight-year-old partner at a prestigious architecture firm, he and his wife, Danielle, had come to see me a few years earlier to discuss their teenage daughter. Neil was usually so levelheaded that his wife only half-jokingly accused him of being an emotionless android. But when I called him to find out what was up, his voice was cracking with emotion.

"Danielle slept in the guest room last night," he said. "Ever since she got promoted to manager, she comes home upset every day. I try to help her, but she gets mad at me and says I'm not being supportive enough and that I don't understand how she feels. I love her, but I can't handle all this emotional drama."

It is the classic complaint: Men accuse women of being too emotional and women accuse men of not being emotional enough. I hear it all the time in my office, and each thinks the other could just decide to be different--if he or she really wanted to. What they don't know is that the brain circuitry for emotional processing is different in men and women.

When Neil and Danielle arrived in my office, he was clenching his jaw, and she was dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "I've never been under so much stress in my life," she said as she dropped into the chair. "If my department doesn't get this season's inventory done on time, we'll lose thousands of dollars, and we're already in the red. I just want Neil to listen, give me a hug, and tell me how he knows I feel. But he goes into robot mode and starts telling me what I should do."

Neil shook his head and said, "That's not how I see it. I already told her I feel bad about all the pressure she's under. She wants me to listen to her and be sympathetic, but then she won't listen to my suggestions."

Neil had always been his firm's go-to guy for creative problem solving, so when Danielle wouldn't let him offer solutions, it was baffling to him. Anxiously pulling at his manicured beard, he said, "Seeing her cry and not being allowed to help her is torture to me."

The look on Danielle's tearstained face suggested that she thought Neil was exaggerating, but when women cry, it truly may evoke brain pain in men.