As the funeral cars headed towards the City of London Crematorium, the rain fell by the bucketful. It had been Ethel’s decision to have Tommy cremated. In the past, all of her family had been buried.

‘You bury treasure and burn rubbish, my dear old mum used to say,’ she said.

Ethel had thought long and hard about her choice. No one would tend to his grave, so it was best to say goodbye once and for all.

Kenny led the family into the chapel. He’d been pretty choked up over his brother’s lonely death and, for once, Wendy had been very supportive.

‘I’ll come to the funeral. He was your brother, after all,’ she insisted.

Surprisingly, the chapel was quite full. There were a few distant cousins, a couple of aunts and uncles, Freddie was there and all of Maureen’s and Ethel’s friends had turned up to offer their support. Tracey and Darren were the only ones who couldn’t make it – they were on holiday in Spain.

‘All right, son? How are you?’

James didn’t recognise the grey-haired man at first.

‘Charlie Venables. I helped you take your dad home from the Blind Beggar that time.’

James shook his head. ‘Thanks for coming, Charlie.’

The service was short and sweet, and Kenny arranged a free bar and a bit of grub in the Horn of Plenty as a tribute. Tommy had been barred from the pub in the latter part of his life, but prior to that, had nigh on lived there.

Maureen had offered to do the honours. ‘There’s no point wasting your money in a pub, Kenny, I’ll do it at home. There’s hardly gonna be any people there, anyway.’

Kenny had refused. ‘Look, Maur, it’s a bad enough day for you as it is. Let the pub sort it, it’ll cost peanuts and it’s not worth the agg.’

‘What’s the matter, Mum?’ Maureen asked, as she handed Ethel a brandy.

Ethel’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Oh I dunno, I was just picturing my Tommy as a little un. He was such a cute kid – all the neighbours loved him, yer know. He had this big gappy smile and was such a cheeky little sod. Once he found alcohol, that was it for him. It was his poison; he could never say no.’

Maureen hugged her. She’d never seen Ethel really cry before. ‘He’s at peace now, Mum,’ she told her soothingly.

James looked at his watch: Maria should be here by now. She’d offered to take the day off work to come to the funeral, but he’d told her not to bother. She’d recently started a job in a hairdresser’s not far from his shop and he didn’t want her to get into trouble.

‘Look, Maria, you’ve only been there for a fortnight and you can’t ask for time off yet. Anyway, you never even met my dad. I’ll be fine, honest. All my family will be there with me. Just come to the pub when you finish work, that’s when I’ll need you the most.’

Tommy ordered his brother another pint, ‘What’s up with you? You waiting to go home or something?’

James smiled. ‘Nah, Maria’s coming, she should be here soon.’

Tommy left James talking to Freddie and went to the payphone.

‘Hi Lucy, it’s me. The funeral went OK, and I’m in the Horn of Plenty now. Come down and ’ave a drink, will yer? I need a bit of TLC. Freddie’s here, so bring one of yer mates. Ask that Sarah bird, she’ll be right up Freddie’s street, she will.’

Lucy agreed to come straightaway and, feeling pleased with himself, Tommy went back to the bar.

Seeing Wendy walking towards her, Ethel lifted her dress up. Clocking her look of horror, she winked at Maureen.

‘Look at the boat race on Lady Penelope,’ she said loudly.

Wendy turned to her husband. She’d spent all day playing the caring wife and now she’d had enough. ‘Can we go soon, Kenny?’

Kenny glared at her. Didn’t she realise this was his brother’s funeral? ‘No, we fuckin’ can’t,’ he told her bluntly.

Kevin’s face lit up. ‘Fuckin’ hell, feels like he’s kickin’ and punching. Maybe he’s gonna be a boxer, Suze.’

Susan laughed. Thankfully, they had virtually forgotten about their visit to the fortune teller. They’d made a pact that day not to tell anybody or mention it again, and they’d stuck to it. Susan was positive that their baby was fine. She should know – it was dancing about inside her morning, noon and night.

As Kev went up to the bar, Susan spotted a blast from the past that made her stomach lurch.

‘What’s up?’ Kevin asked as he sat back down.

‘Billy Barnard’s over there with his mum. I feel really bad: I used to pick on him when I was young.’

Kevin shrugged. ‘We’ve all done shit we regret when we were kids. Don’t worry about it, Suze.’

Susan stood up. ‘I need to go and speak to him. I know he ain’t all the ticket, but I still have to apologise.’

Billy grabbed his mother’s arm as Susan walked towards him. Her face brought back so many terrible memories that he was unable to control his emotions. ‘Please don’t let her hurt me. Tell her to go away, Mum.’

Mrs Barnard stroked Billy’s arm. ‘It’s OK love, sssh. No one will hurt you while I’m here.’

Unable to look at Billy’s panic-stricken face, Susan spoke directly to his mum. ‘I just wanna say that I’m so sorry for the way I used to treat your Billy. I was a horrible person when I was younger, and I hate myself for it.’

Mrs Barnard nudged her son. ‘Susan’s saying sorry to you, Billy. She wants to be friends with you.’

Billy shuffled his feet and looked at the floor.

‘Be a good boy and shake Susan’s hand,’ his mum urged.

Susan smiled as Billy held out his podgy hand. ‘I’m sorry, Billy. Truly sorry.’

James still saw him a few times a week. Now and again they had a boys’ night out on a Friday but, other than that, he only saw him at work. She knew that Tommy often popped into the shop. He’d obviously never said anything about their night of debauchery, but she didn’t trust him as far as she could throw him. She could sense he was an evil bastard, and the thought of seeing him tonight was making her feel sick to the stomach.

As she reached the pub, she took a deep breath. James needed her and she had to be there for him.

Wendy was in total disbelief as the rest of the pub joined in. They were at a funeral, for Christ sake, and these low-lifes were acting as though it was a bloody party.

‘Hello darling.’ James hugged Maria as though he’d never let her go. He might not have ever been close to his dad, but he’d found the whole day upsetting all the same. ‘You’re well late, but I’m so glad you’re here,’ he told her.

With his arm casually slung around Lucy, Tommy watched the tender moment between his brother and Maria with interest. She was looking at him adoringly and clinging to him like a fucking leech. He couldn’t help smiling as he turned back to Lucy. As special as Maria thought she was, he’d been the first to penetrate that tight little fanny of hers.

He walked towards her and politely kissed her on the cheek, ‘Hello Maria. How are you? This is Lucy, my girlfriend.’

‘I’m fine thanks, Tommy. Nice to meet you, Lucy,’ Maria said, relieved that he had a girlfriend in tow.

Maria tugged James’s arm. ‘Where’s your mum?’

‘Over there with me nan.’

Maria smiled. ‘Shall we go and sit with them?’

‘If you want,’ James replied.

Ethel spotted her first. ‘’Ere she is, me little darling. You come and sit over ’ere with me.’

Wendy moved up and ended up sitting next to Gladys. If things weren’t already bad enough, she was now lumbered with the nutty old bat that swallowed whole ducks.

Gladys smiled at her. ‘How much is that doggy in the window? The one with the waggly tail.’

Wendy stood up. She’d had enough. Searching for her husband, she found him up at the bar.

‘Kenny, I’ve tried, but I can’t stand this one minute longer. Can you call me a cab, please?’

‘Looks like we’ll be going out in a foursome from now on,’ he joked to Lucy.

Lucy agreed. ‘I’m just popping to the little girls’ room, I’ll be back in a sec.’

Tommy smiled as she walked away. She had a cute little arse and he liked the way she wiggled it. He couldn’t quite put his finger on how he felt about Lucy. She’d been bloody good to him, that was for sure. He’d barely known her at all when his mum had chucked him out, but she’d let him stay there for a week and treated him like a god at the same time. She was three years older than he was and worked as a receptionist up town. She was no man’s fool and he did really like her, but that special spark wasn’t there. He fancied her all right, though. She was slim, blonde and stunning, but she was a bit too quiet; he liked them feisty.

Noticing that her daughter looked as white as a ghost, Maureen stopped singing. ‘Are you OK, love?’

Susan forced a smile. ‘I think I’m having a footballer, Mum. It’s got to be a boy, he don’t stop bleedin’ kickin’ me.’

Maria giggled as James joined in. He knew every word to every bloody song.

‘How do you know all these oldies?’ she asked him.

James smiled. ‘I was brought up with the bloody stuff. My nan drummed every word into me from the age of two onwards.’

Extremely drunk, Kenny was relieved that Wendy had now gone home. She did his head in sometimes and, as much as he loved her, he could never quite relax in her company.

‘Ssh, it’s my turn now to choose a song,’ he demanded.

‘Go on, my son,’ Ethel urged. Her Kenny had such a lovely voice.

Kenny stood up. ‘Who’s sorry now? Who’s sorry now? Whose heart is achin’ for breakin’ each vow.’

Maureen stood up. She desperately needed another drink.

Watching her mother walk away, Susan grabbed hold of the table. She was fucking sorry now, that was for sure. The baby was giving her gyp and when the little bruiser finally arrived, it would definitely be her first and last.

Enjoying the singsong, James told Maria to shout up some more drinks. The ramp in the Horn of Plenty was round and centred in the middle of the pub. Seeing Maria standing opposite, Tommy excused himself from his present company and walked over to her.

‘How’s it goin’?’

Maria felt like running back to the table, but decided against it. She wasn’t going to let him think he had the better of her.

‘Things are going great, thanks. What about you? Lucy seems nice.’

Tommy smiled. ‘She is, and she’s far better in the sack than you.’

Looking around to make sure no one had heard, Maria snarled at him. ‘We need to forget the past, Tommy. I’m with James now, you’re with Lucy, so why can’t we just be friends?’

Seeing James walking towards them, Tommy slyly pinched her arse. ‘Of course we can, Maria.’

Debating whether to feign a migraine and ask James to take her home, Maria was stopped in her tracks by the commotion at the table. ‘Whatever’s goin’ on?’

James shrugged, ‘I dunno.’

Unable to help herself, Susan let out a scream. This was more than just the baby fucking kicking. ‘Mum, help. I think me appendix has burst or something.’

Kevin was standing over the other side of the pub with his mates. Seeing his Susan in distress, he darted towards her.

‘Are you OK? What’s wrong with you? It’s not the baby, is it?’

Gasping for breath, Susan lay on the seat. She felt like something out of a freak show as everyone stood gawping at her, but she was in so much pain, she didn’t care.

Glad looked at Ethel and nudged her. Ethel nodded. They might have spent most of their life aborting babies, but they were the only two to notice when one was on its way. Ethel was the first to pipe up. ‘Move back, she’s in bleedin’ labour – her waters have broken.’

Kevin was hysterical. The baby wasn’t even due yet. ‘Don’t just stand there! Ring a fuckin’ ambulance!’ he yelled at the barmaid.

The ambulance arrived within minutes.

Aware of the paramedics getting the hump with Kevin’s behaviour, Maureen took him to one side.

‘Me and Ethel’ll go with her in the ambulance. You follow in a cab and for fuck’s sake, calm yourself down. They’ll chuck you out of the hospital if you behave like that, yer know.’

Kevin was desperate to be a daddy, but he had a terrible phobia of pain, blood and everything else that went with it. He was one of the old school, and believed men shouldn’t be involved with those things. Looking up Susan’s fanny was certainly not on his ‘must do’ list, and seeing her actually push the kid out would put him off sex for life. Seeing the state of him, James and Tommy offered to accompany him to the hospital.

‘Please come, Maria,’ James begged her.

Maria refused. She blamed getting up for work in the morning, but really she was repulsed by the thought of sitting in a confined space alongside Tommy. Lucy opted not to go either. She was quite shy and didn’t fancy being at such an important event with a family she barely knew.

‘I’ll drop the girls off home and I’ll keep an eye on Glad until you get back,’ Kenny offered.

‘Aah, I’m fuckin’ dying!’ Susan screamed. ‘It hurts so much, Mum,’ she cried.

‘I hope everything’s all right. She ain’t ’alf early,’ Maureen whispered to Ethel.

Ethel squeezed her hand. ‘She’ll be fine, they’ve just got the dates wrong, the soppy bastards.’

Maureen smiled. ‘God works in mysterious ways, don’t he? We’ve just said goodbye to Tommy Snr and our first grandchild chooses to arrive on the very same day.’

‘There’s something wrong in there, I know there is,’ he said, over and over again.

James put an arm around him. ‘Everything’ll be fine, Kev. Just sit down and drink your coffee, it’ll all be over soon.’

Maureen and Ethel squeezed each other’s hand. They were both emotional and even Ethel had tears in her eyes. A little baby in the family; they couldn’t wait to spoil it.

‘You’re nearly there now, Susan. One more big push and baby will arrive.’

Susan took one last deep breath. ‘Aaaah!’ she screamed.

Spellbound, Maureen and Ethel looked at one another.

‘It’s a boy,’ the midwife announced happily.

Ethel was the first to snap out of her trance. She had forgotten her glasses and her eyes must be deceiving her. Taking a closer look at the child, she jumped back in shock.

Frozen to the spot, she grabbed Maureen’s arm.

‘Gawd, stone the crows! Either I’m going off me rocker or me blinkers are playin’ me up, ’cause I’m tellin’ yer now, Maur, as God’s my judge, that baby looks fuckin’ black!’