It was her Tommy that had bunged her a oner, insisting she pamper herself. He’d recently been promoted again. He was manager of the building site now and went to work in a suit most days, instead of his old working clothes. Maureen was ever so proud of him. There weren’t many ex-convicts who, within six months of their release, had secured a great career and turned their lives around.

Maureen glanced at her watch. She had plenty of time, nearly an hour before the cab was picking them up. She was nervous about tonight and needed a brandy or two to settle her stomach. It had been Kenny’s idea to have a big family get-together. He was paying for the whole evening: the meal, drinks, and the cabs. It had been his fortieth birthday a few weeks back. He and Wendy had been away on a Caribbean cruise and now that they were back, he’d insisted on organising an evening with the family.

James had just received his exam results. Six O-levels, four As and two Bs the clever little sod had got, and Kenny said they were to use his good news as an excuse for a double celebration. Maureen had been overjoyed. No one in the Hutton family had ever got one O-level, let alone six. She’d told anyone and everyone who would listen. The women up the shops, the girls she sat with at bingo, she’d even stopped a couple of women in the street she barely knew.

Pleased with her new look, she wandered downstairs, and was greeted by her two sons.

‘You look really nice, Mum,’ James gushed.

‘Don’t scrub up bad for an old ’un, does she?’ Tommy said cheekily.

Maureen walloped him playfully and went into the kitchen to pour herself some Dutch courage. She wasn’t used to eating out at posh restaurants. Pie and mash or fish and chips was all she was used to, and she had never felt comfortable in Wendy’s company. The woman was so far shoved up her own arse that she was almost bent double, and Maureen knew she looked down her nose on herself and the kids. Maureen could never understand why Kenny had married her. They say when a man picks a wife he looks for a younger version of his mum, but that certainly wasn’t the case with him. She imagined Wendy out shoplifting. ‘Not on your nelly,’ Maureen giggled.

‘What yer laughing at, Mum? You ain’t pissed already are you?’ James shouted.

Maureen was just about to go and clump the cheeky little sod when she was stopped in her tracks by the arrival of Susan and Kevin.

Maureen greeted her daughter and boyfriend warmly. ‘You both look ever so smart,’ she said proudly.

She’d hardly ever seen Kevin in anything but a T-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, and he looked different in a shirt and trousers. Susan had made a real effort too, and looked lovely in her floral top and leggings.

‘Do I look fat, Mum?’ Susan said self-consciously.

‘Don’t be silly. You’re not even that far gone yet. You look gorgeous,’ Maureen told her.

Susan smiled at the compliment. ‘I’m starving. Tell Kevin what restaurant we’re going to, Mum. You did tell me, but I can’t remember the name.’

Maureen racked her brain. ‘I think it’s called Chans or something. It’s in East Ham. Kenny said it does a lovely bit of grub.’

Realising time was getting on, Maureen ordered James to go and see where his nan was. ‘She’ll be late for her own funeral, that woman,’ she joked to Susan.

Ethel turned up a few minutes later with a bemused-looking, red-eyed Gladys in tow. ‘Go and sit in there and talk to the boys, dear,’ she ordered her friend.

Shutting the lounge door, Ethel turned to Maureen. ‘She’s ever so upset, bless her. I’m gonna have to bring her out with us.’

‘Whatever’s the matter with her?’

Memory loss had recently really taken its toll on poor old Glad. Maureen was sure she had Alzheimer’s, but Ethel wouldn’t hear of it. ‘Nothing wrong with her, just old age. She’s forgetful, not fuckin’ doolally.’

Ethel sat down at the table and put her head in her hands. ‘You know how much she loves Sooty, her cat?’

Maureen nodded. ‘Oh, it ain’t got run over, has it?’

Ethel shook her head. ‘It’s worse than that. She accidently put it in the washing machine and put it on spin dry. Oh, it was awful, Maur. I had to lift the poor little fucker out. You should have seen the state of it.’

‘Is it dead?’ Maureen asked, shocked.

‘Of course it’s fuckin’ dead. Wouldn’t you be if you’d just spent an hour on rinse and spin?’ Ethel yelled.

Much to Ethel’s annoyance, Susan and Kevin burst out laughing.

‘Don’t fuckin’ laugh, you nasty little bastards. Its tail was rigid with shock and the poor little fucker died with its eyes wide open. I buried it for her in the garden, told her it got run over, I did.’

‘Didn’t she know she’d put it in there, then?’ Kevin asked innocently.

Ethel was fuming. Thick was one thing, brainless was another.

‘Of course she fuckin’ didn’t. She’d just dished it up some tuna and was calling it to come and have its dinner.’

‘Poor Sooty,’ Maureen said sadly.

Seeing Susan sniggering, Ethel stood up and thumped her.

‘Get out my fuckin’ sight yous two, and don’t you dare say anything to her later, or crack any funnies. As far as you’re concerned, the cat got run over. You say one word about what really happened, and I’ll marmalise the fuckin’ pair of yer.’

Unable to control her hysterics, Susan dragged Kevin out of the kitchen.

Ethel looked at Maureen. ‘Wicked little fucker that girl is. Fancy laughing at the terrible death of a poor defenceless animal.’

‘She didn’t mean it, Mum,’ Maureen said.

‘Yes she did. She’ll make a terrible mother, you mark my words.’

‘Cab’s here, Mum.’ James’s voice, luckily, spelled the end of the Sooty conversation.

Picking up her handbag, Maureen shooed everyone out and shut the front door.

Wendy smiled falsely. The thought of spending the night with Kenny’s family was enough to make a clown look fucking miserable. This time last week they’d been on their lovely cruise ship. Now they were sitting in a shit-hole in East Ham waiting for the Beverly Hillbillies to arrive.

Kenny smiled. ‘The food’s lovely in here. I’ve never brought you here before, have I?’

Wendy shook her head. ‘East Ham’s not really my type of area, is it, dear?’

Kenny was saved from having to reply by the arrival of his family.

‘Susan, you sit here, next to Ethel, and James can sit next to Kevin. Sit over there, Tommy, on the other side of Wendy.’

Wendy shot her husband the stare of all stares. It was a look that said, ‘Thanks very much for sitting me next to the fucking murderer.’

Seeing her thunderous expression, Kenny ordered the waiter to bring another chair over for Gladys.

‘You sit over here next to me, Tom. Let Gladys sit next to Wendy and then your nan can sit the other side of her.’

With the seating finally organised, Kenny ordered a round of drinks. ‘Does everyone want wine with their meal?’ he asked.

Everyone nodded. Handing the wine list to Wendy, he smiled at her. ‘You’re the wine expert, dear. Order a couple of bottles of white and a bottle of red.’

Wendy studied the list. She usually prided herself on her choice of fine wines, but not tonight. These rednecks wouldn’t know the difference between vintage and bloody Liebfraumilch. Choosing from the cheaper end of the scale, she handed the list back to Kenny.

Ethel looked at the menu in horror. ‘What’s all this rice and fucking noodles? Don’t they serve potatoes or chips?’

James chuckled. ‘It’s Chinese food, Nan. I’ll order for you, you’ll like it once yer taste it.’

Putting her hand up her clout and adjusting herself with one hand, Ethel slung the menu on the table with the other.

‘What a load of old shit! I ain’t eating anything foreign, it’ll play me piles up.’

Wendy glared disgustedly at the old woman. Kenny was too frightened to do or say anything, but the rest of the table roared with laughter.

Ethel cackled as Wendy excused herself to go to the ladies. Ethel purposely had a good old scratch around her ha’ppenny every time she was in her company.

‘Stuck-up cow,’ she whispered to James.

‘Stop it, Nan,’ he giggled.

Tommy and James had often eaten in Chinese restaurants and knew exactly what they liked. The rest of the family didn’t have a clue, so Kenny ordered a variety of different dishes for them to try.

Gladys stared blankly at the menu and smiled as she put it down. ‘I’ll have a duck.’

Kenny smiled. ‘I’ve ordered two for us to share.’

‘I want a whole one to meself.’

Ethel patted her friend’s arm. ‘He’s ordered you one, dear.’

‘Take no notice,’ Ethel mouthed to her son.

As a stony-faced Wendy returned from the toilets, Kenny signalled for the waiter to bring over some champagne. Then he gave a small speech about how proud everyone was to have a genius in the family.

‘Now, let’s all drink a toast to the main man. Well done, James.’

James went red as a beetroot as they all clapped and cheered. Everyone in the restaurant was looking at him and he felt a right nerd. Noticing his embarrassment, Tommy ruffled his hair.

‘Who’s a clever boy, then?’ he said in a parrot-like voice.

‘Fuck off, Tom,’ James said angrily. He’d spent ages doing his hair, and now his brother had messed it all up.

Thanks to feeling two sheets to the wind before she’d even got to the restaurant, Maureen felt brave enough to give a little speech herself. She stood up.

‘I just wanna say a few words. First of all, I wanna say a big thank you to Kenny for bringing us all here tonight – oh, and happy birthday for last week, love. Secondly, I wanna say how proud I am of my family. James might be the brains among us all, but I’m equally as proud of Tommy, who has been promoted once again and is now manager at the building site, and let’s not forget Susan, who is gonna make me a very happy granny. Cheers, everybody and good health to us all.’

Ethel nudged James. ‘Manager of the building site! Bank robber, more like.’

James shot her a warning glance. ‘Ssh, Nan.’

Ethel chuckled. Everyone she spoke to knew Tommy was a villain. Everyone apart from his mother, that was.

‘Can I say something now?’ Kevin said awkwardly.

‘Go on, love,’ Maureen urged him.

He stood up. ‘I just wanna say how much I enjoy bein’ part of this family. I know I’ve been a bit of a loser over the years, but recently I feel that I’ve really got my act together. As yer know, me and Suze have had our ups and downs, but we’ve stuck it out, and now we’ve got a nipper on the way, we’re the happiest we’ve ever been.’

Grabbing Susan’s hand, he dropped to one knee and handed her a ring. ‘Me mum had to lend me the money, so it ain’t nothin’ special, Suze. I love yer so much, babe. Will yer marry me?’

Susan was flabbergasted. ‘Yes, yes, yes,’ she screamed.

‘We need more champagne over here!’ Kenny shouted to the waiter.

Maureen burst into tears. ‘I’m so happy for both of you,’ she cried, as she hugged her daughter.

James and Tommy both shook hands with Kevin.

‘Welcome to the family,’ Tommy said.

Ethel congratulated them, but said very little. She hoped they would live happily ever after, but very much doubted it. Susan had a habit of fucking things up, and if they even made it up the aisle, it would be a miracle.

Gladys stood up and walked over to Susan. ‘Congratulations, dear. Who’s the lucky man?’

‘Kevin,’ Ethel said, pointing him out.

Glad loved a wedding. Tucking her skirt into her bloomers, she broke into song.

Wendy sat with a fixed expression on her face that partly resembled a smile. It was like a circus without the trapeze artist. This family never failed to amaze her. One kid a murderer, one up the spout and now engaged to a retard. Even the old girl was notorious for pilfering and everyone sat there so happy and proud, without a care in the world.

When the food arrived, everybody got stuck in, none more so than Ethel, who piled her plate sky high.

‘I thought you didn’t like foreign food?’ Kenny said, tongue in cheek.

‘Seeing as there’s fuck all else, I’ve either gotta eat the shit, or starve,’ she replied.

Lifting a pancake off the pile, Wendy delicately spread some hoisin sauce on top. Adding some cucumber and spring onion, she was just about to take a little bit of duck, when Gladys’s arm shot out, grabbed the entire bird and started to gnaw at it.

Tommy, James, Susan and Kevin burst out laughing. Annoyed, Ethel glared at them.

‘Don’t fucking laugh at her.’

Turning to Gladys, she gently tried to coax her to put the bird back on the plate. ‘Now, come on dear, put the duck back down and I’ll cut you some.’

Gladys held the bird firmly with both hands and shook her head. ‘No, it’s mine.’

‘Now, come on, Glad, put it down,’ Ethel said, making a grab for it. Gladys clung on to it for dear life.

‘Let her have it, Mum,’ Kenny said gently. ‘We’ve got another one over here. There you go, Wendy, have some of that.’

‘No thanks, I’ve gone off the idea now,’ Wendy replied curtly.

Kenny nibbled awkwardly on his food. The celebration had turned into a fucking nightmare and Wendy would make his life hell later. Maureen could sense how anxious he was.

‘Would yer like some more, Ken?’ she said, thrusting a bowl of rice towards him.

Kenny smiled and took some out of politeness.

Once she had finished the duck, Gladys sucked the bones and put them back onto the empty plate. She sipped her wine and smiled at Ethel. ‘That was nice, that chicken. What time are we going home? Sooty’ll be wondering where I am.’

Ethel looked sadly at Maureen. ‘Shut up!’ she screamed at Susan, who was laughing like a hyena.

‘Sooty’s gone on his holidays. You’re coming to stay with me, Glad.’

Gladys smiled. ‘That’s nice, dear. I hope Sooty behaves himself.’

A little while later, Tommy stood up. ‘Does anyone mind if me and James shoot off now? Freddie only lives around the corner and we’re meeting him in his local.’

Maureen shook her head. ‘James has had a lot to drink already. Why don’t you go out with Freddie on yer own tonight, love?’

‘Oh, leave it out, Mum. I ain’t a little kid any more,’ James said angrily.

Maureen smiled at him. ‘Go on then, but look after him, Tommy.’

As the boys left the restaurant, Wendy urged Kenny to get the bill. ‘Order the taxis while you’re at it,’ she hissed.

Doing as he was told, Kenny was relieved that the cabs arrived quickly. Seeing his family into one, he waved them goodbye. As soon as he got into the other one, he was met by a look of pure hatred.

‘I have never been so embarrassed in all of my life. The whole restaurant was laughing at us. Never again, Kenny, and I mean it this time. I would rather divorce you than go through that again.’

Kenny knew she meant it. They did not speak another word to each other for the rest of the journey.