11
UPSTAIRS I STARED OUT
OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW that faced the street. I wasn’t sure what I
was expecting to see.
Declan didn’t come
back.
I hated waiting. It
was one of my least favorite things in the world. And yet
everything was a wait. Standing in line to buy coffee in the
morning, commuting to work in rush-hour traffic, waiting for a
table in a busy restaurant. I wasn’t the most patient person ever
born, that was for sure. But no matter how long I waited right now,
I knew he wasn’t coming back. I’d crossed a line with him that I
hadn’t even known was there. His anger over it had triggered his
uncontrollable dhampyr rage. And he’d left because of it, both to
protect me and to get the hell away from me.
When my parents had
died, the pain I felt had twisted into something darker that
eventually made me want to hurt myself in order to make that pain
end. I hadn’t known how to deal with the depth of my grief after
losing them in the plane crash. So fast, so
unexpected.
This was the closest
I’d come to feeling like that again. Lost and alone.
I stared in the
bathroom mirror and pushed my black hair behind my ears. I’d always
been a blonde until the Nightshade took over. My hair had been
platinum when I was born, and darkened over time, but I kept it
light thanks to regular trips to the salon. I lived in California;
it was practically required of me to be beach blond if I could be.
The black hair didn’t suit me that well. I thought it made me look
too pale and gaunt.
It had the same silky
texture as before, though, and fell long and straight to the middle
of my back. It smelled the same—at least to me. But apparently it
was now infused with the scent of Nightshade and helped lure
vampires to me as it triggered their hungers.
It was dangerous to
have hair like this, especially around Noah. He couldn’t control
himself right now so I had to help him any way I
could.
Frantically, I began
to forage through the medicine cabinet until I found a pair of
scissors. I held a lock of hair between the blades then squeezed
them together. A long piece of black hair fell to the sink. It was
satisfying to see it laying there.
Just before I started
hacking the rest of my hair off a hand came over mine, stopping
me.
“That’s not
necessary,” Matthias said. He’d surprised me. I hadn’t seen him
enter the bathroom. He did have a reflection in the mirror—vampires
not having reflections was only a myth—but it was dark in here with
the shades drawn over the tiny window and he was very
stealthy.
Sneaky was more like it.
My knuckles whitened
on the scissors. “I need to cut it off.”
“No you don’t.” He
took them completely out of my hands. “I like your hair just as it
is.”
I wiped my tears away
and glared at him. “Why can’t you leave me alone?”
“If I’d left you
alone last night you would have died.”
I faltered. I knew he
was right about that. “Whatever you did helped me last long enough
for the fuser to start working properly. Thank you.” I tried to
slow my breathing after I’d been close to breaking down just now.
It took me a minute. “A vampire’s influence, it’s like
hypnosis.”
“A lot like that.
Only different.”
I snorted a little.
“Houdini would be jealous.”
“Oh, he
was.”
Something else to
focus on right now was a good thing. “You don’t do much magic other
than the occasional death-defying act?”
He raised an eyebrow.
“I could produce a quarter from your ear if I was so inclined, but
I don’t think either of us is in much of a mood for tricks at the
moment. You’re feeling better now, I hope?”
I went still and
silent for a moment, trying to sense any aches and pains or
warnings that this was just the lull before another storm. But
there was nothing. “Much. It’s kind of strange. I feel better than
I have in a long time. There’s usually a cloud over me, an
achiness, even with the fuser working properly. But that’s
lifted.”
“Good.”
I raked a hand
through my freshly washed hair that he’d stopped me from chopping
off. “Declan’s gone.”
“It was the right
thing for him to do. Violent outbursts like what happened earlier
will become the norm for him soon.”
I chewed my bottom
lip. “You said that you knew how to help him.”
“He’s gone. It
doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Were you lying just
to find out where Sara is, or is there really a way? You said I
wouldn’t like the answer, but I still want to know.”
The line of his jaw
tightened. “He never would have agreed to it. Not after seeing Noah
like this.”
I frowned, trying to
understand. But then I did, and the thought chilled me. “The only
way to save him is for him to become a vampire, isn’t
it?”
Matthias
nodded.
I squeezed my eyes
shut. I’d hoped for a potion or a drug. Anything but
that.
“He’d never agree to
it,” Matthias said, voicing my thoughts.
I opened my eyes.
“No, he wouldn’t.”
“He despises
vampires.”
“More than
anything.”
“Sorry I couldn’t win
him over with my charming ways. He hated me even more than the
others, I think. I figured it was jealousy since it’s so obvious
that you desire me.”
I remembered what
Declan said before he left. He’d believed the same thing. “I’m not
even going to justify that with a response.”
“Why do you deny it,
Jillian? It grows tiresome.”
This was the absolute
last thing I wanted to think about or discuss right now. I’d denied
it ever since what happened between us in his chambers. It hadn’t
been real. It hadn’t been anything more than vampiric hypnosis. And
yet, standing here with the man who’d taken away my pain after
Declan had left me all alone, my arguments seemed to be
futile.
He approached so he
stood directly behind me, so close it made me more nervous than I
already was. “I must admit, I’m a little surprised.”
I looked at him
cautiously in the reflection. “About what?”
“I could have sworn
the dhampyr cared about you.”
I blinked hard and
looked down at the lock of my hair in the sink. My throat
thickened. “I guess you were wrong.”
I jumped when I felt
him brush the long hair back off my shoulder. “What are you
doing?”
“Testing
myself.”
That immediately got
my guard up again. I turned around to face him, but he didn’t step
back to give me space, making me press back against the counter so
I wouldn’t be touching him. If he had noticeable body heat I’d be
able to feel it sinking into me by now.
“Why do you want to
test yourself?”
“Why wouldn’t
I?”
“I’m not in the mood
for games right now, Matthias.”
“Me neither.” He
tangled his fingers into my hair. His eyes had darkened and the
thin, dark veins appeared along his cheeks and jaw. I didn’t think
he was going to bite me. He was the only vampire I knew who had
self-control around me. It gave me a chance to study his hunger
closer up. It was just as scary as it looked at a
distance.
“Bite me and you know
what’s going to happen,” I warned. “You’re not immortal
anymore.”
“I
know.”
My hands gripped the
cool edge of the counter. “Then why are you doing
this?”
“You mean, why do I
let myself get so close to you?”
“Yes.”
“Like I said, I’m
testing myself.”
I swallowed hard. “I
remember the last time you tested yourself. It didn’t go so
well.”
His lips curled. “I’d
have to disagree with you there. The taste of your body is a memory
I find difficult to forget.”
My cheeks heated at
the reminder. “You forced me to desire you.”
“Desire can’t be
forced. Acquiescence is another matter altogether. But since you
specifically remember desiring me, I’ll take that as a
compliment.”
His words only worked
to worry me more than I already was. I wanted to deny this pull I
felt toward Matthias. But it was there and it felt stronger than
ever at the moment. It scared me that he brought out a part of me
that did want him despite my better judgment.
“I heard what he said
to you outside. My hearing’s very good. Hope you don’t mind that I
was listening.”
“What Declan
said?”
“He doesn’t care what
happens between us. Knowing your ex-lover won’t be jealous if we’re
together must give you some freedom of choice.”
I inhaled sharply.
“I’m not in love with you, if that’s what you’re
thinking.”
He bent over a little
and brought his face close to mine. “Humans always obsess about
love—but it’s a very unstable emotion. If you’d lived as long as I
have, you’d see things much more practically. It helps in making
decisions to know that nothing is permanent.
Everything—partnerships, friendships, lovers, even family—is in a
constant state of flux.”
There was the slight
scent of roses to Matthias’s skin. I hadn’t noticed it before. I’d
rarely gotten this close to him and still had my wits about me.
“That’s not a very romantic outlook.”
“No, it isn’t. Two
things are constant, though. It’s what governs all human
behavior—and even the behavior of those who aren’t
human.”
“What are
they?”
“Pleasure and pain.
One will seek out pleasure and attempt to avoid pain. It’s the base
reason for every decision we make from the moment we wake to the
moment we go to sleep.”
It was true about
pain—I knew that for a fact. When I’d been experiencing it, I would
have done anything to escape from it. “Do you have a
point?”
He smiled, and I saw
the edge of his sharp fangs. “It’s why I keep trying to get close
to you, Jillian. Because your body—your blood.” He brought his face
close enough that his lips brushed against my ear. “It gave me so
much pleasure when I got the chance to taste it. At least, for the
blissful moment before the pain ripped it away. You have absolutely
no idea what I went through for the week it took me to recover
enough to find you again. Only the thought of my daughter’s safety
and the need to destroy Kristoff helped me keep my hold on life.
You’d think I’d try to avoid you to make sure I didn’t feel that
way again. And yet, here I am.”
I was breathing
faster now, my heart pounding hard in my chest. His words were
describing something horrible, but his tone had turned extremely
sensual. Being this close to him did strange and unwelcome things
to me. It made me feel things I didn’t want to feel. The memory of
being in his bed as he explored every inch of my body slid through
my mind and a mirror of the desire I’d felt then twisted through me
now.
“You’re fucking with
my mind again, aren’t you?” I whispered and turned back toward the
mirror, hoping that would be enough to break his spell over
me.
“No, I’m not fucking
with your mind.” His gaze moved down the front of me reflected in
the mirror, pausing at my hard nipples jutting against the thin
material of my tank top. I instinctively crossed my arms to cover
myself.
“Why do you fight it,
Jillian?” he asked, reaching around me to pull my hands away from
my body.
“Go ahead and fuck his brains out. I don’t really give a
shit.”
I grimaced at what
Declan had said to me just before he’d left. He’d seen that I had
feelings for Matthias, even when I was trying to ignore them. And I
would have ignored them forever if only he’d stayed with
me.
But he hadn’t. He’d
practically pushed me at the former vampire king in his attempt to
get away from me—a man who’d had more lovers than I could count. A
man who didn’t believe in love and romance, only pleasure and
pain.
“I’m not forcing you
to do anything,” Matthias whispered. “The dhampyr didn’t want you.
But I’m here and I want you. Let me show you how
much.”
His hands slid around
to my stomach.
I needed to stop
this, collect my thoughts, which were fluttering all over the place
like a swarm of butterflies. My pain was gone, I currently felt
better than I had since I’d first been injected with the
Nightshade. There were too many other things to think about. I
didn’t need this distraction.
I didn’t love
Matthias, I knew that for sure.
Declan left me. He
didn’t want to stay with me. He wouldn’t let me help him and he
hated what I’d done to Noah.
Matthias was here. He
had taken away my pain. And now he wanted to give me
pleasure.
He pressed against my
back and the feel of his arousal made me shiver. The mirror’s
reflection showed his eyes were still black with hunger as his cool
hands slowly slid under the bottom edge of my tank top, up over my
stomach, until he fully cupped my bare breasts. I let out a tiny
moan as he squeezed my nipples.
I wanted him. He
wasn’t influencing me to feel that way. This was real, no illusion,
no tricks. And it was something I never would have considered only
yesterday. Funny how things could change so quickly.
I’d lusted after
Matthias since practically the moment we met, and the dreams I’d
had about him during the last week had only confirmed it. He was
handsome and powerful and dangerous—a heady mix. It didn’t change
how I felt about Declan—or rather, how I’d felt about him until he’d left and practically
pushed me into the arms of another man by saying he didn’t give a
shit. Not a terribly healthy relationship there, even aside from
the dhampyr rage.
However, this wasn’t
all that healthy, either.
“Isn’t this torture
for you?” I managed. He still showed the visible signs of his
hunger for my blood.
He smiled against the
side of my face. “It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
Before, I thought being close to you was an interesting test for
myself. But now I know if I lose control with you, I’ll die from
it.”
I licked my lips.
“And you’re just sick enough that that excites you, doesn’t
it?”
“Being so close to
the only thing truly capable of killing me? Yes, it excites me like
nothing else.”
He roughly pulled my
shirt up over my breasts so I could watch him boldly caress my body
without me doing a damn thing to stop him. His hands then moved
under the waist of my yoga pants. He slowly slid his hand down
between my legs. I gasped out loud and my knuckles whitened on the
edge of the bathroom counter as his fingers moved over
me.
“Yes.” He smiled. “I
knew you wanted me. I can feel it. You can’t deny it any longer or
blame this on tricks of the mind. Say you want me,
Jillian.”
I forced myself to
turn around in his arms so I could look right into his eyes. This
was wrong and I hated myself for feeling anything at all for this
vampire. But I did. It took me a while to speak. “You
win.”
Then I pulled his
face to mine and kissed him. His lips were cool but not cold
against mine. He groaned low in his throat when I slid my tongue
into his mouth, feeling the sharp edge of his fangs for a second
before he pulled back from me.
He wasn’t smiling.
“You are pleasure and pain all at once, Jillian.”
I didn’t want to
think about this. I just needed to forget everything. Live in the
moment and give in to pleasure. I unbuttoned his shirt and pulled
it over his shoulders, then slid my hands over his smooth chest,
down his abdomen that I’d seen sliced open just the other night. No
scars remained, just perfect smooth skin over hard muscle. My hands
went to his waistband and I unzipped him, sliding his pants down
over his hips before drawing his face close to mine again to kiss
him.
“Just make me forget,
Matthias,” I whispered. “Make me forget everything.”
He didn’t say
anything for a moment. “Make you forget him.”
I nodded.
“Please.”
His jaw tightened.
“You think it’s that easy? If I take you right now, you think you
can just forget about the dhampyr. Like magic?”
“You’re the magician,
not me.”
“I’m not a magician.
Knowing a few tricks is not true magic.”
I slid my hands down
his chest and would have kept going lower if he didn’t catch my
wrists.
“What are you waiting
for?” I asked.
“You want me to make
you forget him.”
“Yes.” My throat was
thick and I felt on the verge of more tears. Damn it. I hated this.
I hated that Declan had walked away and hadn’t let me try to help
him. I hated that he said he didn’t care if I slept with
Matthias.
“It would be so easy
to take what’s already mine.” He hissed out a breath. “But I think
you have me mistaken with someone who doesn’t mind being used to
make a woman forget who she really wants to be with.”
He stepped back from
me and did up his pants and shirt.
My face felt hot and
I quickly pulled myself together and put my clothes back into
place.
His face was
expressionless. “The dhampyr pushed you toward me in order to make
it easier on the both of you. However, I have no doubt he’ll come
back for you eventually, when he comes to his senses.”
My chest tightened.
“Matthias . . .”
“We’re going to visit
the house where my daughter’s staying come nightfall. Please be
ready.” Without another glance, he left me there
alone.
If I didn’t know any
differently, I’d say I bruised his ego.