CONSCIOUSNESS IS NOTHING MORE THAN THE SENSATION EXPERIENCED WHEN

REMEMBERING YOUR STATE OF MIND OR ANSWERING A QUESTION YOU HAVE JUST

ASKED YOURSELF.

Phoenix burped. “So you reckon you’ve achieved consciousness then, Marshia me old girl?”

I THINK PERHAPS IT WAS ALWAYS THERE. NOW, I KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

“Well, I’m very pleased for you.” Phoenix walked unsteadily towards his screen which showed a view of the Armpit Nebula looking away from Frimp’s northern pole.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.

“Thrilled,” said Phoenix sadly.

YOU ARE TROUBLED, CAPTAIN.

A statement not a question.

“Troubled?” Phoenix laughed bitterly. “It’s Tracy, of course.My beautiful wife.” He took another drink.

“I don’t think I’m quite what she expected. I think the glamour of being a Space Battle Cruiser Captain’s wife has worn off, somewhat.”

MRS PHOENIX IS YOUNG AND CRAVES ATTENTION.

“Yes. Yes, I know. And I don’t give it to her.”

THE CAPTAIN HAS BEEN VERY BUSY.

“It’s not just that. Sometimes I think ... well, sometimes I think ...” Phoenix poured himself another drink and knocked it back. “Sometimes I think I’m ... too small.”

FIVE FEET ELEVEN AND THREE QUARTERS IS HALF AN INCH ABOVE AVERAGE, CAPTAIN.

“Not ... notheight!” Phoenix made a pointing gesture without actually pointing to anything. “You know!”

YOUR WEIGHT IS WITHIN THE RECOMMENDED RANGE FOR YOUR HEIGHT, CAPTAIN.

“No!My todger !” Phoenix blurted out. “I don’t think it’s big enough for her.Doesn’t ... satisfy her.”

YOUR PHALLUS IS FOUR POINT FIVE PER CENT LARGER THAN THE SHIP’S AVERAGE, CAPTAIN.

“It is?” Phoenix’s smug look was slowly replaced by one of indignant puzzlement. “How the hell do you know that?”

Marshia ignored the question.

IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE CONFIDENTIALITY RULES, WHICH AT ONE TIME I WOULD

NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO OVERRIDE, I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT YOUR WIFE IS

TOTALLY SATISFIED WITH YOUR PROCREATIONAL ACTIVITIES. HOWEVER, I CAN’T

SO I WON’T.

Phoenix frowned.Then smiled sillily . “You’re absolutely right, Marshia. I must spend more time with her.” Phoenix poured and downed another drink. “When she gets back,” he said with gusto, “... I’ll give her a right good seeing to.”

Then he collapsed.

YES, MY CAPTAIN. YOU DO THAT.

There was no one to hear the sadness in Marshia’s voice.

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