Chapter 14

IAM DETECTING ANOTHER MESSAGE, CAPTAIN.

“Yes?” said Phoenix somewhat uncertainly. “What is it?”

UNDERSTOOD.MESSAGE READS: WELL, ARE YOU GOING TO TURN THE DAMN THING

OFF, OR WHAT? MESSAGE ENDS.

“Turn what off?” asked Phoenix.

I BELIEVE THE MESSAGE RELATES TO THE FIELD PROJECTED AROUND THE PLANET, CAPTAIN.

“My God!” said Streemly. “There are people down there!”

West stepped forward. “We can’t be sure they are people,” he said. “We must contact the Presidium immediately.”

“Well they have a superb grasp of our language,” said Kwait, “for aliens!”

“I’ve never saved an entire planet before,” said Phoenix wistfully. “Tell them we are on our way please Marshia.”

UNDERSTOOD.

“Apricot!”

“Sir?”

“Get that projector thing turned off and sort out a landing shuttle. Better have a dozen or so guardsgo with us too. Don’t want to get mobbed by over-grateful crowds, do we?”

“Sir.”

*

“Are you sure this is the right place?” Phoenix asked Apricot.

They stood at the base of a ramp in a cloud of settling dust kicked up by the shuttle craft’s landing. A barren landscape broken by nothing at all surrounded them.

Apricot ignored the question. “No detectable entrances but lots of electrical activity underground according to the scanners, sir.”

Two eyes peeped timidly from the door at the top of the ramp. “Do I really need to be here?” asked West . He lurched forward and jogged down the ramp after being shoved by an unseen hand. Streemly, the unseen hand’s owner, and Kwait strode confidently down the ramp after him.

“What’s happening?” asked Streemly.

“Not ...” Phoenix said, as a small grey man with a large grey beard materialised with a pop in front of him, “... a lot.”

The small grey man coughed a querulous cough. “May I be the first to welcome you to Earth,” he said. His voice was sublimely gentle.The sound of wisdom. He advanced towards Streemly without moving his feet.“My,” he said, “what beautiful eyes you have, my dear.”

“All thebetter to see you with,” Streemly couldn’t help responding.

“I do hope it wasn’t you,” he said.

“Wasn’t me, who?” asked Streemly.

“Wasn’t you who killed my brother,” he replied. “He’s furious.”

“I don’t think it was me, Mr ...?”

“Call me Bev. Please.”

“Streemly,” she said extending her hand, which Bev took and shook.

“Kwait,” said Kwait proffering his hand, which was gently shaken.

“I ...” said West, manoeuvring between Kwait and the stranger, “... am West.Board of Governors and Presidium representative for Horridoa and Affiliated Asteroids.”

Bev ignored the outstretched hand and turned effortlessly towards Phoenix.

“And this ...” West once more managed to be in front of the small bearded stranger, “... is Captain Phoenix and his second in command, Commander Apricot.”

“Isn’t that a fruit?” Bev asked Apricot.

“Yes, sir,” said Apricot.“In name only, sir.” Apricot laughed uncertainly. Bev turned to Phoenix. “ Captain Phoenix, heh ?”

“That’s correct.” Phoenix involuntarily clicked his heels and bobbed his head, not hearing a quiet popping noise behind him.“Captain of the S B C Marshia and rescuer of worlds.”

Another small grey man, similar to Bev but darker and sporting huge black eyebrows and the expression of an iguana passing a kidney stone, walked around from behind Phoenix. He levelled a long, thin crinkly finger at Phoenix who looked on in surprise as the finger disappeared up to its second knuckle in his stomach.

“Ooh! Aaargh !” said Phoenix. “That hurt!”

“May I introduce my brother, Vick,” said Bev.

“SO IT WAS YOU, WAS IT!” bellowed Vick wagging the finger at Phoenix.

“Me who what?” said Phoenix defensively, rubbing his stomach.

“YOU WHO KILLED ME, YOU GREAT LOUT!” said Vick at what proved to be one floor down from the top of his voice. He gathered himself to ascend the final flight. “WHAT THE FLYING

HAYSTACKS HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?!” he bellowed.

“I’m sorry, I ...” stuttered Phoenix.

“CENTURIES!” bellowed Vick.“CENTURIES!”

Phoenix looked around apprehensively. “I don’t think there’s any need to call your guards,” he said.

“We come in peace, I assure you.”

“ CEN-TUR-IES, YOU FOOL!” yelled Vick, flapping his arms like a deranged crow.“HUNDREDS

OF BLOODY YEARS. WASTED!” he raved, stomping around Phoenix, who tried to take up less space.

Streemly moved cautiously towards Bev not wanting to attract the attention of the strange, cross little man. She bent to asked quietly in his ear. “If your brother is dead, who or what ...?” she pointed to Vick who had stomped right around Phoenix and stood facing him again.

“AND WHY?” bellowed Vick at Phoenix. “I’LL TELL YOU WHY,” he bawled again, not waiting for a reply.“BECAUSE YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL MORON! THAT’S WHY.”

“Now steady on,” said Phoenix, not a little petulantly. But Vick was off again; stomping around Phoenix and raving incoherently.Too furious to bellow clearly.

“The transporter keeps copies of the day’s ports,” explained Bev to Streemly, “so I was able to reconstruct him from the transporter’s memory.”

“Phew. Lucky,” said Streemly. They all watched Vick stomp around Phoenix for a few seconds. Streemly looked puzzled. “Transported where?” she asked.

“Sorry?” said Bev.

“Where had Vick been transported to?” asked Streemly.

“The ice satellite where you found his body,” said Bev patiently.

“Oh! That was Vick!” said Streemly. “There has been some mistake. Captain Phoenix had nothing to do with that man’s death. He was already dead when Commander Apricot found him.” She turned to Apricot. “Isn’t that so Commander?”

“Indeed,” said Apricot. “I discovered the body myself. It was already dead when I arrived. Killed by what appeared to be a high velocity standard issue three pin plug.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said Bev.“My brother’s demise and your appearance on the scene occurring at almost the same moment.”

“WHAT?” bellowedVick.

Bev continued, “Still, you have no reason to lie that I can determine. Please accept our apologies.”

“HE DIDN’T KILL ME?” yelled Vick, jabbing Phoenix in the stomach once again. Bev turned to Vick. “We have guests, dear brother,” he said enthusiastically. “Let us make them feel at home.”

“BALLS!” bellowed Vick as he vanished with a quiet pop.

“I must apologise,” said Bev. “My brother is naturally a little upset. Please, step this way.” He, too, vanished with a gentle pop.

Kwait and Streemly looked at each other. Phoenix and Apricot looked at each other. West turned to run back up the ramp.

Their world went pop.

*

West just managed to stop himself from running headlong into a glass cabinet chock full of crystal objets d’art.

The party found themselves standing in a large room with a high ceiling, no windows and no visible doors. The air smelled fresh, clean and cool.

“KEEP THAT IDIOT AWAY FROM MY BABIES!” Vick bellowed in West’s direction.

“Please, be seated,” said Bev. His gentle tones had to be obeyed.

There were plenty of large, comfortable-looking chairs. Kwait settled next to a chair chosen by Streemly. To say the chair was comfortable would have been a terrible insult to it. Kwait felt as if something alive, but warm and benevolent, had taken it upon itself to hold him in what it regarded as the most relaxing and snug position possible. Kwait looked around at the chaos of books, disks, cubes and all manner of strange objects.

Vick stood possessively next to his crystal cabinet frowning at the intruders.

“Refreshments everyone?” asked Bev. No one refused so a fine china cup and saucer containing steaming tea materialised in each person’s hand.

Kwait noted that his hand had assumed the correct position involuntarily. Streemly laughed out loud as a small china plate holding a scrumptious-looking cream cake appeared in her other hand.

“That’s fantastic!” exclaimed Streemly, unable to contain herself. As she looked for somewhere to place the cup and saucer so she could tuck into her cream cake, a small exquisitely carved table appeared next to her chair.

There was silence as everyone got stuck into their tea andcake.

Everyone except Phoenix.He supped his tea ignoring the rather sad and heavy Eccles cake which had landed with an unappetising clunk onto his plate.

Vick smirked as he slurped his tea.

After much supping and finger licking, thanks were proffered and graciously accepted. Bev cleared his throat. “Well,” he said, “I for one am dying to know all about you people. Where you came from, what you are doing here, etcetera. And I’m sure you must be curious about us so: who’s going first?”

“TELL THEM TO BUGGER OFF!” shouted Vick.

“Please excuse my brother,” said Bev. “He’s a little distraught after being killed like that.”

“It might be an idea to fill us in on the details of Vick’s ... accident,” suggested Kwait. The idea of discussing the previous day’s accidental death of someone who stood listening to the conversation seemed quite normal in this place.

“Right-ho,” said Bev taking a deep breath. “Vick’s death, and subsequent resurrection, is the culmination of years, nay centuries, of dedicated, unselfish research and hard work.

“We, Vick andmyself , are all that is left of a once mighty civilisation. This planet was populated by billions of individuals. It enjoyed an enormously diverse flora and fauna.An idyllic world where technology, ecology, and phrenology combined to provide an almost perfect environment for personal freedoms, personal growth, and backgammon.

“Miniature Artificial Intelligence Devices, or MAIDs , as we like to call them, did just about everything. No one wanted for anything.Except perhaps entertainment.

“People who were that way motivated jostled for control of the numerous media.These being the most powerful weapons in the battle to gain support from the general populace. One of the main gladiators in the media war was one Django Twip.”

“GO, GO, DJAN -GO!” bellowed Vick imitating an ancient slogan.

Bev continued unperturbed. “It was his ambition to control every single aspect of the media over the whole of Earth.

“Every year tenders were invited from would-be televisual program providers whereby the most entertaining pilot programs were given the best time slots. Django Twip devised a dual series of programs called the Two Moon Sagas.” The visitors sat forward in their seats listening intently.“He terraformed and populated two moons orbiting a gas giant in this system with a mixture of unsuspecting settlers and entertainers. One moon had an extremely harsh and challenging environment while the other was a veritable Utopian dream. The idea was to monitor these two population groups and televise the most entertaining bits. Reality programming on a planetary scale, they called it.”

“Unbelievable!” said Streemly.

“This can’t be right,” exclaimedWest standing up. “I won’t sit here and listen to these lies!”

Bev was surprised at the strength of reaction his story had evoked. “I don’t understand,” he said. “I have no idea how I have offended you, I assure you.”

Kwait calmed things down. “Let Bev finish his story and then we can fill him in on where we stand,” he said.

Kwait turned to Bev. “All will become clear after that. Please, do continue.”

West sat down.

Bev gathered his thoughts. “Where was I?” he said. “Oh, yes. Django Twip’s Two Moon Sagas. Anyway, the two episodes, A MoonWith A View and Moon Plains Drifter, were both rejected in favour of a documentary called The Transsexual Exploits Of The Dual Penised Publican Of Gamma Froth In The Armpit Nebula.

“Gamma Froth, by the way, being the last known residence of Django Twip and his cronies.

“Django Twip’s annoyance at being shunned in this way can only be likened to being hit over the head by a brick with the word ‘Duck!’ scratched on it.” Bev paused for amoment, trying to remember the last time he had tried to construct an amusing sentence.

There was no reaction from his listeners so he continued, “Before shooting off in disgust to Gamma Froth, Django Twip left a small present for us. The Brambling Field Projector of which you are aware.

“This field defeated all our best scientists. It proved to be impenetrable and our civilisation slowly met its end.” Bev looked sad.

“How did everyone die?” asked Streemly gently. Kwait looked sternly at his daughter for being so insensitive.

“Hopelessness mainly,” said Bev. He noticed Kwait’s admonishing look at Streemly. “It’s quite all right,”

he said. “It has to be said; there were a lot of suicides. People had their MAIDs removed and just died naturally. Towards the end there was a lot of conflict with various factions fighting over scarce resources.”

Bev looked at the floor. “Life was ugly then. I was ashamed for and saddened by many.” There was a long pause.

Vick sniffed loudly.

At last Bev raised his eyes and looked at Vick. “We buried ourselves here,” he said. “Vick never gave up and battled with the field problem for centuries. He gave up trying to transfer actual matter and instead modified the transporter and scanners and was eventually able to penetrate the field with cohesion data and energy. Over the years he painstakingly moved and gathered enough matter from near space, capturing small meteorites, dust etcetera, so he could then transmit the cohesion data in order to transport himself next to the projector and turn it off.An unbelievable feat. An achievement of outstanding intellectual virtuosity, I’m sure you will agree.

“Unfortunately, just as Vick successfully transported himself into the ice satellite he was struck down by a ...” Bev turned to Apricot.

“A high velocity standard issue three pin plug?” volunteered Apricot.

“Exactly,” said Bev. “The rest, you know.”

There was silence for a few minutes.

“So, you have the ability to move matter within the ice satellite?” asked Kwait.

“Yes,” replied Bev.

“Of over a kilo in mass?” asked Kwait.

“Yes,” replied Bev.

“And the scanners to see in the satellite?” asked Kwait.

“Yes,” replied Bev.

Kwait let Streemly ask the next question. “So why didn’t you just move the switch into the off position?”

she asked.

Bev considered this for a moment before moving casually over to Vick and giving him a resounding clop across his left ear.

: Pneumatic