Chapter 1

A Year Later…

I was swallowed up by darkness. I could feel my body begin to levitate off my bed. Slowly, I floated higher and higher. I had no control. Was this a dream? Then suddenly, I was running. Running toward something or someone; but why? As my feet made contact with the naked road, the grinding of pebbles was all I could hear. Clearly it was a hot and sunny day, yet not a drop of sweat developed on my brows. Nothing seemed familiar, so I stopped.

I began to feel anxious. Where was I? Why was I here? Then I noticed that to my right stood a vast field of sweeping brown grass that stood at least twelve feet high. I had to bend my head way back to see the tips of the blades. As I lowered my head, I saw her. Her presence was like a magnet grabbing me to the point where I could not resist her pull. I knew then that she was the reason I was running, so I started to run again. Every fiber of my being told me to follow her, but I didn’t know why.

She was a vision of pure splendor. Her flowing white dress reminded me of a Greek goddess. Her dark and silky brown hair was tied up in a ponytail, not a single strand out of place. Her body was slender, with all the right curves, and yet something about her was different. I realized then that I hadn’t seen her face. She began to pick up speed as if she sensed me closing in. I ran faster, but no matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t catch up to her. My legs began to feel as if a ton of concrete had cemented them to the ground. Every ounce of energy I had could not help me catch this “divine beauty.”

Overwhelmed with frustration, all I could do was watch as she floated far ahead, turned right, and disappeared into the field. I kept my eyes rooted to the spot where I thought she had entered the tall grass, and when I reached it, I turned and stopped. With both hands, I reached out and parted the thick brown grass to enter.

What I saw was breathtaking. A sea of clouds was beneath me. These were not ordinary clouds, though…these were the clouds you only dreamt about. White, fluffy, foamy whipped cream was how I had imagined Heaven’s clouds would look…the kind of magical clouds you could walk on without fear of falling through, like being in the most realistic fairy tale. I began to wonder, slightly panicked, as to where I was and why I was in this place. Was I dead? How beautiful this place was, but was this “life” for me now? Had my wonderment of Heaven finally been answered? Then I saw her again.

She spoke politely yet with a sense of urgency. “Claudia, you need to leave. It’s not your turn.” I was in complete shock. How did she know my name? In hearing the power of her words and the trepidation in her voice, my heart leapt. I stood there, frozen, and as the fear that pierced every bone in my body subsided, her words became insignificant as I stared at this fascinating vision standing before me.

As I continued to stare intently, I slowly began to feel hypnotized. The intensity of the light surrounding her was captivating. It was as if this brilliance was the inner depths of her soul radiating toward me—something I wasn’t supposed to see, pulling me closer. The strangest part was that I still could not see her face. I desperately wanted to know what she looked like, so I just stood there ignoring her order, hoping that maybe the light would fade. But instead, the intensity of the light became too much to endure. I quickly covered my eyes with both of my hands.

“Please stop,” I pleaded.

She spoke again, but this time her voice was unforgiving and commanding. “If you know what’s best for you, you must leave now before it’s too late!”

Before I could say another word, from a distance, I heard a male voice, “No, Margaret!”

Suddenly I was falling at the speed of light. It was so fast. Darkness was all I could see. My stomach felt like it did when I rode on roller coasters at amusement parks. My body never seemed to catch up with the ride, and my heart felt like it was going to be ripped out of my chest. When was this going to stop? All of a sudden, my whole body jolted for a split second and then became still. I was no longer falling, but rather, I had landed on something soft and familiar…my own bed. Had this all been a dream? There was dead silence. As I lay completely still, I managed to slowly peel my eyes open, one at a time.

Confirming I was where I thought I was, I closed my eyes again. I tried to remember the details of my dream before they faded. This was one dream I wanted to remember. I began pondering all that I had seen and analyzing every detail. Suddenly, I was startled by the sound of my cell phone. My heart began to thump, and my body felt like it had jumped twenty feet into the air.

“What the—” I placed my hand on my chest, only to feel my heart beating uncontrollably. I had to calm myself so I let the phone ring several more times. Feeling annoyed that I had forgotten to put it on silent mode and still lying on my bed with my eyes closed, I reached over to my nightstand to answer the phone. I didn’t want to get up just yet; I wasn’t ready to start the day.

“He…he…ello,” I answered. Irritation crept through me as I wondered who would be rude enough to call so early in the morning. I could have looked at the caller ID, but I didn’t want to bother to open my eyes just to close them again. This better be important!

“Claudia? Claudia Emerson? Is that you?” she asked, practically yelling with elation.

It was Patty, the sweetest social butterfly among my friends. Instantly the irritation disappeared, but I wondered why she was verifying who she was talking to. After all, she was the one who had called me.

Before I could even say a word, she shouted, “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! I’m so glad you’re alive! I thought it was you! I’m so sorry I called so early, but I had to know!”

Patty was so loud that I had to move the phone away from my ear. “It’s me. I’m fine. Why are you—”

“Claudia Emerson, you scared the life out of me!”

Even with the phone at a distance from my ear, I could still hear her loud and clear. I scared her? How? My eyes opened wide with curiosity. “It’s me, but what did I—” I asked as I placed the phone closer to my ear.

Patty interrupted, shouting again, “It is you! Thank God! Thank God! I thought it was you! I thought you were dead! I don’t know what I would do without you!”

Dead? Had something happened to me? Was she somehow connected to the bizarre dream I had? “What happened?” I asked, worried what her answer might be.

“What? Seriously, you don’t know?”

“Know what?” I asked and sat up.

“Ohhh,” she said softly. “You didn’t hear? I can’t believe you don’t know. I thought you would have been the first person to find out.”

“Hear what?”

“Well, that doesn’t matter. I’m just glad it wasn’t you.”

“Patty,” I said calmly.

“I mean, not that I’m glad she’s gone, but as long as it’s not you.”

“Patty…Patty!” This time I said it with more intensity.

“Gosh! What a relief. I was about to faint. I—”

“Patty!” I stopped her in the middle of her sentence.

“Oh…sorry. I got carried away. You know how I get when I get too excited. What did you say?”

“What happened? I still don’t know what you’re talking about!” My tone was intense and urgent, needing an answer.

“Ohhh,” I heard a big sigh. “Claudia Emerson died last night. You know, your friend who has the same name as you.”

“What?” I asked in disbelief as my body stiffened, but it was more of a rhetorical question. I heard what she said, but I didn’t want to believe it. “Are you sure? Are you sure you got the right Claudia? I mean, I just saw her last week. How could…I mean…I just saw her.”

“I’m sooo sorry. I wouldn’t have called if I wasn’t sure.”

“What happened?” I asked, still in disbelief.

Patty spoke slowly, providing me with all the details of the incident. Claudia had just been voted homecoming queen, and her date was the homecoming king. She was having the time of her life. They were going home after the homecoming dance and were driving through an intersection when a drunk driver ran a red light and collided with their car. Claudia was thrown head first through the front window. She died when her body hit the street below.

I sat completely still, unable to move or speak, as I tried to comprehend what Patty had just told me. It just didn’t make any sense. It couldn’t have happened. Claudia was not dead; surely it was a mistake. Patty’s words brought me back to reality.

“Claudia, are you there?” Patty asked.

“I…I…what?” I replied, trying to come to terms with this gruesome truth.

Patty continued to tell me details of that tragic night. “I heard she wasn’t wearing her seat belt because she didn’t want to wrinkle her gorgeous dress. Oh my gosh! I just had a thought. I wonder if she would still be alive had she put on her seat belt.”

“Uh…uh…,” I replied.

“Claudia? Are you okay?”

“Um…what? Did her date survive?” I asked, ignoring her comment.

“I guess. I didn’t bother to find out. Why? Do you know him?”

“No. I was just wondering,” I said. I let out a heavy sigh as I played the images of what Claudia’s accident would have looked like in my head.

“I won’t be at church today. I’m scheduled to work all day. I can try to get out of work earlier.”

“What? No…no. Don’t worry, Patty. I’ll be fine. Really, I’m fine,” I tried to convince her as well as myself.

“Okay, but I’ll come by after work. You may think you’re fine, but I think you’re in shock. I’ll text you to let you know when I’m on my way.”

“Sure, see you then,” I said wearily.

Patty had started attending our church when we were both freshmen in high school. Her natural connection with people drew them to her, and instantly she became friends with everyone. She knew everybody and everything about them. I don’t remember how it happened, but we immediately became best friends. It was an inexplicable bond that happened to two people without really having a reason.

Patty had delicate facial features, and her sweet voice was very pleasant, when she was not ear-piercing on the phone. Her tall slender body would make any girl envious, but that didn’t bother me. She was my good friend; someone who I knew would be there for me through thick and thin.

After we hung up, all I could think of were “what if’s.” I just sat there, as stiff as a board, trying to make sense of what had just happened. Patty was right, I was in shock. You hear about things like this happening to other people, but situations like this never happen to someone you know. There was a quiet knock at my bedroom door.

“Are you all right, Claudia?” my mom asked. “I got a lot of phone calls wondering if it was you.”

“I’m fine, Mom, I’ll be right out,” I replied.

That would explain why my mom’s phone was ringing like crazy. I could imagine there would be a great deal of confusion and concern since Claudia Emerson, homecoming queen and now a drunk-driving victim, had the same name as me. What were the odds of having a good friend who had the same first and last name? It was strange and uncomfortable at first, but I had gotten used to it, since we had been friends and schoolmates since third grade.

There was another quiet tap on the door, and I heard Mom’s voice again. “We need to pick up Gamma, and we should get to church a bit earlier.”

As she spoke, I opened the door. We were face to face. As I nodded to respond, I was struck by the beauty of her face. I guess I had never realized it before, but she didn’t look like she was in her late forties to me. In fact, she could probably have passed for my older sister. Her skin was as smooth as velvet, and there was not a wrinkle on her face. Her ebony hair reached just above her shoulders. At times I wondered what I would look like had I acquired her emerald green eyes. But instead, I inherited my father’s brown eyes. I didn’t know if I looked more like him than her, and I never would because we didn’t have a picture of him. My parents had eloped, and shortly after, she was pregnant. Tragically, he passed away in a freak car accident before I was born. I hardly asked about him anymore since I knew that I was dredging up painful memories. It was already hard enough being a single mom, especially one working long hours as a nurse. Through it all, she was never a woman of complaints.

Fortunately for us, we had Gamma in our lives. Gamma was my grandmother’s best friend and also my godmother. I was just a toddler when my grandmother passed away, and Gamma filled the void by visiting frequently. She never got married, so we became her family. She was a great help to Mom and took care of me, especially when she had to work the late shifts. Gamma pampered me, which was the best part. But at the same time, she sheltered me, perhaps too much.

Gamma and I sat in the back while Mom drove us to church. It was quiet in the car, and we hardly spoke a word, but Gamma held my hand the whole ride there as her way of comforting me. What was normally a short ride seemed twice as long as the anticipation of getting to the church settled in my stomach. Still feeling numb from Claudia’s death, I walked to where my friends were standing. We hugged to say hello, but this morning it was a different kind of hug. I understood the meaning of these hugs…they were “I’m glad to see you alive” hugs. One by one, they got the physical confirmation they needed that I was alive. Then we all stood in a circle in dead silence. I guess no one knew what to say or how to react around me. They knew how close Claudia and I had been.

Receiving those hugs reminded me of how Claudia and I would hug every time we saw each other, with the exception of last week. I had seen her from a distance. We waved hello, but that was all. Claudia was missing a lot of church. She and I were starting to be more like acquaintances than friends. We had been best friends throughout junior high school, but our friendship drifted apart when we attended different high schools. It didn’t matter, though, because the fact that we shared the same name bonded us forever.

As if having the exact first and last name wasn’t odd enough, we also had the same hairstyle, and were even the same height. The differences were that she knew everything about boys and fashion, was more outgoing, and less sheltered than me. My thoughts began to reflect back to the last time I saw her. Why didn’t I just go up to her and give her a hug? The more I thought about this, the more pain I felt deep in the pit of my stomach. Had I known that it was going to be the last hug, I surely would have held on tightly. Now it was too late, and there was nothing I could do.

Without warning, I felt an arm around me. It was John, dressed in his usual T-shirt and jeans. I looked up at him and noticed that his hair looked two-toned under the sun, brown with lighter highlights. He gave me a half smile, and I could feel his uncertainty through his body language. It was almost as if he wasn’t sure whether his closeness was appropriate at this given time. After a few seconds, he finally spoke.

“Hey, Claudia, are you okay?”

“I think so. I’m not sure. I don’t know how I feel right now. It’s like a dream. Did it really happen?”

“Yeah,” he said, as he tucked his hands into his pockets. I could tell he felt nervous because he changed the subject. “So where are we going for lunch?” He tried to sound cheerful.

“I don’t feel like going today,” I said in a monotone as I stared into space.

“Sure, I understand,” he agreed, though he sounded disappointed.

There was an uncomfortable silence, which was unusual because John and I could talk about anything. None of us knew what to say as we stood next to each other. I was beginning to wonder how long we would just stand there when Marie broke the silence. “Come on, we’re gonna be late for Mass,” she said.

Inside, I felt overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I stared at the cross. I wasn’t paying attention during Mass. In fact, I couldn’t even recall if I placed an envelope into the donation basket. All I could think about was how I would never see Claudia again. I vaguely heard Father Roy speaking about the tragedy of Claudia’s death, but all I could do was to dwell on the last hug I hadn’t given or received. The strangest part was that I couldn’t even cry. I felt no emotion. Wasn’t I supposed to cry when someone I cared about passed away? Why wasn’t I crying? I was always good at hiding my feelings, but this was impressive. Perhaps this numbness would carry over and get me through the funeral.