Chapter 25

I was at the waterfall where Michael and I had been. Michael was standing at a distance, smiling. My heart raced excitedly. He came closer, and held me in his arms. He whispered my name, “Claudia.” He kissed me tenderly, wrapping his wings around me. My dream couldn’t have been any better.

Suddenly, the waterfall was pouring, making sounds like thunder. The peaceful water that surrounded us, falling gently, was now increasingly forming big waves. The boulders we were standing on started shaking and shifting, leaving gaps between them. It felt like an earthquake. Next thing I knew, I was pulled in by a rush of water. Michael and I had separated, and I couldn’t see him anymore. I was shivering from the icy cold water that pierced through my body. It was difficult to swim. Trying to find a way out, I managed to grab onto what looked like roots protruding from a tree. As I struggled to hold on, I heard a voice.

“Claudia!”

I looked up to see Austin standing above me, reaching out for me. “Grab my hand. I’ll help you.”

He leaned in further. I was just about to give him my hand when he spoke again, “You don’t belong with him.”

I flashed my eyes at him angrily. Why did he say that? What did he mean by that? And why was he in my dream? “No!” I said, full of rage. I pushed the water with my hand to move away from him, accidently splashing water on his face.

“Kinda late for a water fight, don’t you think?” he asked, wiping the water off his face with his sleeves.

“What are you doing here?” I yelled, as I was beyond irritated.

“That’s a nice way to say hello to a friend who wants to help,” Austin said calmly. “Let me help you. You’re just barely hanging on.”

He was right. I felt the roots start to detach from the strain of my weight and the powerful water pushing me forward. I changed my tone. “How did you find me?”

He didn’t have a chance to reply. Our conversation was interrupted by Michael calling my name. “Claudia!”

“Where are you?” I yelled. I turned my back to Austin and looked for Michael in every direction. “Michael,” I called, panicking. But all I heard were the echoes of my own voice.

“He can’t find you,” Austin said. “I can’t help you if you don’t want it.”

I felt relieved when I saw a reflection on the water of what appeared to be wings expanding; Michael must be standing behind Austin.

“What do you mean he can’t find me?” I turned to face Austin. But Austin was gone and Michael was nowhere to be seen. There was no one here but me. I was lost, alone.

I woke up with an uneasy feeling. Was Michael in danger? Why was Austin in my dream saying Michael couldn’t find me? As I lay on my bed trying to analyze my dream, I was startled by my alarm clock going off. After I turned it off, I lay back down, and cuddled with Michael’s shirt.

I didn’t want to get up and face reality. It had been twice in just over a month that I had lost loved ones; first my friend, Claudia, and now Gamma. Remembering how difficult it was to say good-bye to Claudia, I didn’t want to do it again. After I tucked Michael’s shirt underneath the blanket, I slowly dragged myself out of bed. I started to reluctantly head toward the closet, but instead, I found myself walking in the direction of the window.

As I opened the blinds, I quickly looked away. Squinting and blinking from the brightness, my eyes finally adjusted to the light. The luminous rays from the sun spread warmth all over my body. I just stood there and closed my eyes, as if to melt the pain away; if only it were that simple. It had rained the past two days, and I was relieved to see the sun. I was glad that we didn’t have to bury Gamma in the rain. It was a beautiful day, despite today’s event. The funeral was already depressing enough, but I could imagine it being a hundred times worse in the rain.

After I changed my clothes and got ready, I sat on the edge of my bed, staring out the window. It felt good to just sit there and feel nothing. I didn’t want to think about “what ifs” because there was nothing I could do to change anything that had happened. Gamma said everything had a purpose and a reason, and everything fell in its place at the right time. I only wished that some things that fell in place were different.

It had been days since I last saw Michael. I was beginning to wonder if I had dreamt him up, but the necklace I wore every day, his T-shirt, and the scar on my chest from Julia were sure signs that he was real.

Mom interrupted my thoughts when she spoke. “Claudia, you ready, honey?”

“I’m almost ready,” I said, opening the door to look at her. We both looked dreadful dressed all in black, with pale skin, puffy eyes, and no makeup. We looked like we were burying ourselves. The truth was, I wasn’t ready. I was dreading today, though there was no way out of this. Who said funerals were necessary? Why would you want to witness your loved one being buried underneath the ground? It was like shutting the door permanently, knowing they will never come back. At the same time, I understood why there was a need for a funeral; it was closure for the ones left behind. But at this point; a funeral wasn’t going to ease the pain of losing Gamma.

I heard my mom’s voice again. “Coming,” I said, as I stepped outside into the bright sun.

After the funeral mass, we headed to the burial. We were waiting for Father Roy to get situated. As I looked around, I saw many of Gamma’s friends, as well as many unfamiliar faces. I wondered if any of them could be Earth angels. Strangely, I thought I saw Austin by a tree, but when I looked again, he was nowhere to be seen. My mom stood in front of me, while my friends surrounded me. Kristina and Maggie stood to my left; Patty, Andrew, and John were on my right.

I was so preoccupied with my thoughts of Gamma and our happy times together that I didn’t realize Father Roy was speaking. “There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to be born and a time to die.”

My thoughts wandered again. It was hard to listen to the words when all I could think of was that Gamma was gone. Her existence had already become nothing but a memory. Father Roy continued. “We go to the same place. We were made from the dust, and to the dust we shall return.”

My attention turned to Mom when I heard her weeping. Mom and I had shed so many tears that I was sure we had none left, but I was wrong. When I heard her soft sobs, it filled my eyes with tears yet again. Then, Kristina, Maggie, and Patty started sobbing too. Patty rummaged through her purse, took out a pack of Kleenex, and passed it along. She also gave me a quick squeeze to comfort me.

Watching Gamma’s casket being lowered into the perfectly rectangular empty space that had been dug for her made me lose it. I felt like my heart was being ripped into pieces. My lungs forgot how to take in air. When my body became weak, too weak to stand, I knew I was falling apart. As my heart sunk to the ground, I wanted to collapse.

“Please…nooo,” I cried softly, as my hand reached out for Gamma. “She won’t be able to see. It’ll be too dark down there. It will be too cold. I won’t ever see her again. I’m sorry, Gamma. I’m sorry I didn’t call enough. I’m sorry I didn’t visit you enough. I’m sorry I went camping, and I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry that you gave up your life for me.” My whole body was trembling. I was certain my knees would give out, but Kristina and Patty were holding me up, trying to comfort me, ready to catch me if I fell.

I didn’t realize others heard my words until I saw them crying harder than before. Even Andrew and John were sobbing. They felt the depth of my pain, the pain that was hidden deep inside. The pain that I desperately tried to suppress was now pouring out uncontrollably. Tears streamed faster, and there weren’t enough tissues to wipe them. Eventually I managed to somewhat compose myself, but short gasping sounds still lingered.

Feeling embarrassed by my emotional display, I gazed at the casket, knowing there was nothing I could do. As I tried to reorganize the wet tissues, I was startled by a voice. “Claudia,” he called to me.

It was Michael, but I continued to stare at the casket. Was I being delusional? I missed him so much that I heard his voice. I looked up and blinked several times. Michael, Davin, Vivian, and Caleb were standing at a distance, dressed in black. Were they a figment of my imagination? A clear vision of them was just enough for me to smile on this dreadful day.

“Claudia.” I heard his voice in my head again as I gazed back at the casket. “We’re here.” He felt so close. I could almost feel the warmth of his whisper in my ear. Then I repeated his words in my mind, We’re here.

Suddenly it hit me that what I saw was real. I was ecstatic, and tears rolled down my face. But this time, they were tears of joy. My heart was lifted and happy again. They had come back. They came back to comfort me and pay their last respects to Gamma. When I looked up again to see them, I was disappointed. They were no longer there. Where did they go? I looked to the left, right, and behind me, but nothing. Patty nudged me and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t worry, I’m fine,” I replied softly and didn’t bother to look again. I wanted to see them so desperately that my mind was definitely playing tricks on me.

After Father Roy said his last words, one by one everyone gently tossed a red rose onto her casket. Then they headed to their cars.

“You go first,” I told my friends. “I’ll catch up with you in a second.”

Mom and I stayed behind to say our final goodbyes to Gamma. We were standing there quietly, when I felt a soft, warm breeze. It felt as though a hand had brushed against my cheek, but there was no one around.

Something inside my pants pocket was crinkling. I pulled it out. It was a note from Michael. It read,

We’re here. See you at home.

In my heart, in my soul—M

I read it again. My mind was not playing tricks on me. They were really here. I was overwhelmed with happiness, but at the same time, felt slightly guilty for feeling happy at Gamma’s burial.

“Everything all right, honey?” Mom asked, glancing over my shoulder to see what I was looking at.

“It’s nothing,” I said, smiling and placing the note back in my pocket.

“Ready to go, honey?”

I let out a heavy sigh. “I’m ready,” I said. I was ready to close this chapter. I know that time heals all wounds, but it was easier said than done. It had been an honor to have Gamma in my life. Happy memories of her were what I would always cherish and remember. Memories were what would keep her alive, Michael had told me once, and that was exactly what I planned to cherish. No more tears and no more sulking, just happy thoughts.

“I love you, Gamma,” I said. “See you in my dreams, or when I look up at the stars.”