Benny the Clown

"ISN'T that burning your lips off?" Benny the Clown had asked, in another life.

Rupert shook his head. His lips were cracked and covered with blisters. Either his fire-spitting trick was indeed burning him, or it was a ghastly case of herpes. "It's not that bad."

"It looks painful."

"Sacrifices must be made in the name of show business. Stick with me, Benjamin, and you'll learn a lot."

Benjamin hesitated. Rupert had gotten him this gig, and though it didn't pay anywhere near what he'd made at Office Depot, he didn't want to risk destroying his career as a children's entertainer before it even started. But still...

"Y'know, Rupert, most fire eaters don't use rubbing alcohol. They use something like lamp oil. I mean, your lips are...they're...I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but what you're doing could actually...you could get...can I see your tongue?"

"No, you may not. I know it's unsafe. I'm not stupid. But let me ask you a question, Benjamin: when was the last time you crashed on somebody's couch and found a bottle of highly purified lamp oil in their bathroom?"

"Never, I guess."

"Damn right, never. Now how many times have you found a bottle of rubbing alcohol?"

"I don't think I've ever looked."

"Well I have, and let me tell you, if that house has a woman, it has a bottle of rubbing alcohol. I spend four or five nights a week crashing on a stranger's couch, and when I leave, they may check their jewelry case, but they aren't saying 'Uh-oh, better check the bathroom cabinet to make sure our rubbing alcohol hasn't been pilfered!' If you want to be successful at this business, you have to learn to cut expenses. So you go buy your fancy lamp oil if you want, but I'll stick with a good old fashioned bottle of stolen rubbing alcohol."

"I'm sorry. Do you really need that much?"

"Tell me, Benjamin, how many chainsaws do I juggle in my act?"

"I haven't seen it yet."

"Three. Three chainsaws. What do you think chainsaws run on?"

"Gasoline?"

"Have you seen the price of gas? It's obscene. Flat-out criminal. But do you know what makes a chainsaw run just as well?"

"Uh, rubbing alcohol?"

"That's right. You try to siphon gas from your neighbor's car, you're going to jail. You steal rubbing alcohol, nobody ever notices."

"Is it safe to juggle chainsaws that are fueled by...y'know, something that wasn't really meant to fuel a chainsaw?"

"Haven't lost a limb yet."

"Yeah, but that can't be good for the engine, can it?"

"You need to quit worrying about that kind of stuff," said Rupert. "Trust me. I'll groom you into the funniest clown the world has ever seen."

Benny the Clown licked the last of the blood from the chainsaw blade.

He hurt, but he was happy.

He walked around for a while.

He couldn't smile any more, but he wanted to smile when he saw what was on the shelf.

He took down the bottle. Stared at it for a while. Tried to remember.

He remembered.

He filled the chainsaw.

He couldn't wait to use it. It would be funny.