Randall

AS Randall marched down the corridor, it occurred to him that limping out to his truck to retrieve a chainsaw in order to cut up a feral beast that gobbled intestines was exactly the kind of "acting without thinking" behavior that had caused so many problems in his marriage. Well, that and the drinking.

He was in no shape to be walking around like this--he was, after all, hospitalized with a severe leg injury. He didn't actually need his chainsaw--it was a hospital, so they probably had giant bone saws or other tools for dismemberment that were closer than the parking lot. Not to mention that by the time he actually limped out there, got his chainsaw, and limped all the way back, somebody else probably would have already dealt with the dracula creature issue. And hospital security was probably not inclined to let a gown-wearing, stitched-up lumberjack enter the facility with a chainsaw, even in a time of crisis.

But when Randall got set on an idea, he saw it through. No matter what. He wasn't going to turn around and sheepishly say, "Ummmm, changed my mind." Jenny had little enough respect for him as it was. Whatever respect he'd earned before their marriage he'd pissed away during it. He'd let the booze turn him into someone he'd never choose to be, someone he never wanted to be again.

But when Randall Bolton started something, he finished it, whether it was building a treehouse for the son that he hoped to have someday or sitting through an entire wedding for somebody he didn't know because he'd gone to the wrong church.

And if he did manage to protect his ex-wife with his chainsaw, maybe he'd regain some of his dignity. He loved his chainsaw. Loved being a lumberjack, even if other people liked to sing that cross-dressing song by those British assholes. Loved the sound of falling trees smashing to the ground. Loved the outdoors. Even loved the word "lumberjack," despite the fact that a couple of his buddies insisted on being called "arborists."

But the day before yesterday, he'd been humiliated. Oh, sure, he could see where it would be funny to the other lumberjacks--he would've been laughing his ass off if it happened to somebody else--but his face burned red just thinking about it. He knew people thought he'd fallen off the wagon, but he hadn't touched a drop in almost a hundred days. And you know, it used to be a struggle--that whole one-day-at-a-time thing--but now it felt good to be sober.

The accident wasn't his fault. Really. He hadn't done anything stupid or careless. He'd been happily chainsawing away, and as the tree started to wobble a squirrel was dislodged from the branches, landing on his hard hat and then scampering down his back. He hadn't shrieked like a girl or anything, but anybody would yelp if a goddamn squirrel dropped on their head from thirty feet. Randall flinched, twisted around, and his chainsaw blade hit the back of his leg.

He couldn't hear his buddies laughing over the chainsaw motor, but oh, they were in hysterics. Blood was gushing from his shredded flesh and they were having themselves a great big ol' guffaw. Again, he would've laughed too...but still, fuck those guys.

He refused to let them drive him to the hospital. He'd drive there his goddamn self. He only needed one good leg to drive, so those giggling bastards could burn in hell for all he cared.

Of course, he'd started to get dizzy as he drove, and realized that because of his stubbornness he was bleeding all over his own truck instead of somebody else's. But he didn't pull over. He drove all the way to the hospital (while Jack and Frank drove behind him, presumably to make sure he didn't pass out at the wheel) and checked himself in.

Randall desperately wanted to make peace with his chainsaw.

Putting it through the head of a dracula would do just fine.

He picked up his pace as he walked out of that big room where they made you wait. A nurse covered in blood was having a panic attack while a doctor shook her. Randall didn't like seeing that kind of shit--you didn't put your hand on a woman like that even if she was freaking out--but he had to focus. Ignore the chaos. Think only of Jenny and his chainsaw.

He exited the hospital, half-expecting somebody to say "Hey! That gown is hospital property!" He'd grabbed his shoes on his way out of his room and put them on during the elevator ride down, but hadn't taken the time to grab his pants. He wished he had them. His chainsaw-the-monster redemption would be a lot better if his ass wasn't hanging out.

Unfortunately, he hadn't parked close. By the time he'd driven to the hospital, woozy from blood loss, he'd misjudged the distance to the building by over a hundred yards. He had a vague recollection of Jack and Frank helping him get into the ER, but couldn't for the life of him remember where he'd left his Dodge. The lot was full, and apparently every other driver in the county owned a red pick-up. He weaved through the rows, wishing he had one of those little clicky-things he could press to make his horn honk.

When he finally caught sight of his Dodge, he picked up the pace even more, but that seemed to pull at his stitches and he slowed his pace again to something that wouldn't rip his leg back open.

It never occurred to him to just get in the truck and drive away. It occurred to him that maybe he should think about that, but no way in hell was Randall going to abandon Jenny. He had more flaws than he had stitches in his leg, but fear was not one of them. Jenny could be a complete bitch to him--and probably would be--but he'd make sure she got out of there safely.

Of course, you could have done that better by staying with her, instead of limping out here to get a chainsaw...

Fuck you, brain.

Thirty-eight calls. Wow. He'd thought it was more like ten. He could blame about thirty-five of them on the heavy-duty painkillers, but the last three...well, he'd just really wanted to talk to Jenny. He wouldn't have minded if she laughed about the squirrel. At least he'd hear her laugh. He missed her laugh. They used to laugh a lot, but he'd killed that.

Focus. He needed to focus.

He walked up to his truck. The chainsaw rested there on the seat where he'd left it. (Normally it went in the back, but it hadn't been a normal day. And would Jack and Frank have brought along their chainsaw if it cut open their leg? Hell no, they wouldn't have. They could laugh all they wanted, but the proof of his manly nature was right there.)

There was dried blood all over the seat. It was going to cost a fortune to have that cleaned, assuming it could be cleaned. He might have to just rip the seat out and have it replaced. Shit.

He focused again.

Then he cursed as he realized that the truck door was locked. His keys were in his hospital room on the third floor. Son of a bitch.

He let out an angry sigh. No possible way was he returning to that hospital without a chainsaw. Not a chance. He walked to the back of the truck and picked up his metal toolbox. There were plenty of other tools in the back, including a hatchet, but he'd rather have a broken window and his chainsaw. If he were wearing actual pants, he could've wedged the hatchet into the waist, but the gown left little opportunity to...

No, wait. He had a utility belt. He quickly lifted his gown and put on the thick belt, which had a nice assortment of tools, then slid the hatchet in there. Cool. He looked absolutely ridiculous, but he had lots of toys now.

He returned to the passenger-side door, turned his head to avoid getting glass chunks in his eyes, and used the toolbox to smash through the window. He unlocked the door, opened it, and grabbed the chainsaw. Yes!

It still had his blood on the blade. He kind of liked that.

He limped back toward the building.

Screams from inside. Lots of them.

What the hell was going on?

He'd seen that Dracula movie when he was a kid, but that slick-haired guy didn't do anything like this.

Randall walked back inside. The room (it was the Emergency Room, right? Or did they take people to the Emergency Room after they waited in this room?) was absolute chaos. He could barely process it all. People were screaming and panicking and getting ripped apart and eaten. He'd known that things were bad when he left...but he'd only gone to the parking lot for a few minutes!

"Jenny!" he called out.

A small, scrawny teenaged kid in a hospital gown noticed Randall. His chest was covered with red as if he'd just enjoyed a messy Italian meal, but it was blood not sauce, and the blood seemed to be his own, the result of the lower, non-pimply half of his goddamn face being mangled. He had huge, sharp teeth, and it looked like they'd ripped right through the skin.

Okay, maybe Randall was feeling some fear now. That was fine.

The dracula smiled--as well as you can smile when the lower half of your face is a pulpy, bloody mess--and rushed at him.

Randall tugged the cord of the chainsaw. It roared to life.

He raised the tool--now a glorious weapon--in front of him, absolutely loving the feeling.

The chainsaw sputtered and died.

Out of gas.

And then the teenaged dracula was upon him, mouth open wide. Randall screamed with rage and bashed the chainsaw into its face as hard as he could. Randall, who was lumberjack-sized, had a good eighteen inches and a hundred pounds on the little monster, and the impact was severe. Blood sprayed.

A second hit and the creature dropped to the floor.

Randall smashed the chainsaw into its head, over and over, as the dracula kept thrashing and trying to grab him. The chainsaw held together fine--Randall didn't buy cheap chainsaws--and after a good dozen or so blows the dracula stopped moving.

Randall wiped the gore from his face. He hoped the hospital security cameras had caught that.

There was still chaos everywhere, and people who needed help, but once again Randall had to focus. He stood back up, wincing, and forced himself to get moving again. Though there were probably much better options for bashing draculas to death than his chainsaw and it would just weigh him down, he couldn't bear to leave it behind.

Time to find Jenny.