CHAPTER 7

Shame and Regret

Shame and Embarrassment

Shame and embarrassment are feelings that are often experienced when there is either a real or a perceived public incident of some social gaffe. Both shame and embarrassment are provoked by unhealthy beliefs where you link your sense of worth to other people’s negative judgement.

You find yourself agreeing with the way you think other people will judge you for the social gaffe or faux pas. The unhealthy belief is often as follows:

‘Others must not disapprove of me for (whatever negative thing has been revealed about me), because if they do and then judge me as weak, inept, incompetent, a failure, worthless etc, they’d be right.’

We have worked with clients who also view the real or perceived social disapproval as the end of the world and as something intolerable. Almost all have had the self damning belief though.

Shame and embarrassment can trigger different physical symptoms and behaviours such as blushing, confusion, downward cast eyes, slack posture, lowered head, biting of lips or tongue, forced smile, fidgeting, being lost for words or having a blank mind.

Difference between Shame and Embarrassment

Shame and embarrassment are experienced about the same event, i.e. something negative has been revealed about me. The difference between them is that with shame, what’s been revealed is far more serious than with embarrassment as far as you’re concerned. It is subjective but we can all think of events that we would judge as embarrassing and events we would label as shameful. The roots of the word shame are thought to derive from an older word meaning ‘to cover’; as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively. Embarrassment and shame can be experienced by a person even if it’s not specifically about that individual but about a group with which that individual identifies. For example, some cultures or some families within that culture perceive that they must rigidly adhere to certain behavioural rules and codes. Breaking such rules has resulted in aggressive, dangerous responses and sadly, in some cases, even murder. The person who has committed the shameful act is believed to be the ‘cause’ of the feeling of shame experienced by others as well as the ‘cause’ of the perceived shunning. As a consequence of this, anger and rage are provoked as a direct result of holding unhealthy beliefs about the person who has ‘caused’ the problem. It is not the person who has committed the ‘shameful’ act but the unhealthy beliefs others hold about it and about that individual that provoked feelings of shame and then anger.

Shame and Guilt

Shame and guilt are often misinterpreted or thought of as being the same. The focus of the shame provoking belief is other people’s disapproval, whereas the focus of the guilt provoking belief is one’s own disapproval of one’s self for having broken one’s own moral code.

Meta-Emotions of Shame and Embarrassment

A meta-emotion is an emotional problem about an emotional problem. For example, you can feel shame about feeling shame, depressed about feeling shame, angry about feeling shame and so on. You will know if you have a meta-emotion about your shame or embarrassment by asking yourself ‘how do I feel about my shame and embarrassment feelings?’

If you have a meta-emotion about your shame and embarrassment feelings then go to the relevant chapter for that particular emotion and work through it.

Common Shame and Embarrassment Triggers

The following are common themes of shame and embarrassment – the list is not exhaustive. Tick the boxes that you think apply to you.

Tick the box to identify your shame and embarrassment triggers

Looking anxious

Showing any symptoms of anxiety

Blushing

Sweating of head, face, armpits or hands

Stuttering

Forgetting

Making mistakes

Not knowing something when asked

Mind going blank

Soiling yourself in public

Wetting yourself in public

Having an anxiety attack or a panic attack

Loss of control

Being annoyed or angry

Looking emotional

Acting emotionally

Asking for more intimacy from partner

Approaching partner for intimacy

Talking to partner about sex

Talking about sex

Experiencing rejection

Being laughed at

Being the butt of someone’s joke

Being criticised

Acting stupidly

Being defeated

Failing

Being different

Having a mental or emotional problem

Having surgery

Being ill/throwing up in public

Losing some ability

Lacking some ability

Physical appearance

Body shape and size

Specific body part

Sexual performance

Sexual orientation

Sexual desires

Sexual pleasure

Fainting in public

Other (write your own reason)

Am I Feeling Shame/Embarrassment or Regret?

At the heart of your shame/embarrassment feelings are unhealthy beliefs about being disapproved of by others for having committed some socially unacceptable behaviour, the consequences of which are negative judgement and rejection. Unhealthy beliefs that provoke shame/embarrassment impact on the way you think (cognitive consequences), act or tend to act (action tendencies).

When you feel shame/embarrassment, for example, your thoughts may be preoccupied with how others are judging you, thinking that you are incompetent and that they are right for thinking that way about you. You may avoid and remove yourself from that situation and that group of people. Assess if you are feeling shame/embarrassment or regret by checking your thoughts, actions and action tendencies.

Look through the illustrations for the cognitive consequences and actions/action tendencies and work out if you are feeling shame/embarrassment or regret. It is important to put yourself in the trigger situation when you felt uncomfortable. It is easy to think that you don’t have unhealthy thoughts when you are not triggered or when you are away from the trigger situation. Imagine yourself in the situation that triggered your feelings. Work out if the discomfort was shame/embarrassment or regret.

Cognitive Consequences

Shame/Embarrassment

You overestimate the shamefulness of the information revealed.

Cognitive Consequences

Regret

You see the information revealed in a compassionate, self accepting context.

Cognitive Consequences

Shame/Embarrassment

You overestimate the likelihood that the judging group will notice or be interested in the information.

Cognitive Consequences

Regret

You are realistic about the likelihood that the judging group will notice or be interested in the information.

Cognitive Consequences

Shame/Embarrassment

You overestimate the degree of disapproval you will receive.

Cognitive Consequences

Regret

You are realistic about the degree of disapproval you will receive.

Cognitive Consequences

Shame/Embarrassment

You overestimate the length of time the disapproval will last for.

Cognitive Consequences

Regret

You are realistic about the length of time the disapproval will last for.

Action/Action Tendencies

Shame/Embarrassment

You remove yourself from the gaze of others.

Action/Action Tendencies

Regret

You continue to participate actively in social interactions.

Action/Action Tendencies

Shame/Embarrassment

You isolate yourself from other people.

Action/Action Tendencies

Regret

You respond to attempts of others to restore the social equilibrium.

Action/Action Tendencies

Shame/Embarrassment

You save face by attacking others who have shamed you.

Action/Action Tendencies

Regret

You do not save face by attacking others.

Action/Action Tendencies

Shame/Embarrassment

You defend your threatened self esteem in self defeating ways.

Action/Action Tendencies

Regret

You do not defend your self esteem as it is not threatened.

Action/Action Tendencies

Shame/Embarrassment

You ignore attempts by others to restore social equilibrium.

Action/Action Tendencies

Regret

You do not ignore attempts by others to restore social equilibrium.

Now … 

General Change or Philosophical Change for you?

General Change

Philosophical Change

Remember to take your time if you are choosing this route, as Philosophical Change is about changing your unhealthy beliefs over the long term.

Remember, shame/embarrassment is provoked by unhealthy beliefs about being disapproved of by others for having committed some socially unacceptable behaviour, the consequences of which are negative judgement and rejection. An unhealthy belief is made up of absolutist rigid beliefs – MUSTs, HAVE TOs, NEED TOs, GOT TOs, ABSOLUTELY SHOULDs, from which three further derivative beliefs come.

A rigid belief, at B, is a demand about the most shame/embarrassment provoking aspect of an event – it is a demand about how others must not disapprove of me for what has been revealed about me.

For example, if what you are most embarrassed about is your family finding out that you secretly binge, the rigid belief will be my family must not disapprove of me for secretly binging.

The fact that your rigid demand was not met triggers any or a combination of the three derivative beliefs.

For example:

Step 1

a. Choose a typical example of your shame/embarrassment problem.

b. Use the previous Common Shame/Embarrassment Triggers table as a reference to pinpoint what you were ashamed or embarrassed about. You may have more than one trigger, which means you may have more than one shame/embarrassment provoking belief. Work on one belief at a time.

c. Express your answer to Question (b) above in the form of a ‘MUST’. (See above examples.)

d. Identify the derivative beliefs. (Awfulising, Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT), Self Damning. See page 5 as a reminder to what these mean.)

You may have all three derivatives or any combination of the three.

Remember to imagine yourself in the trigger situation when identifying these derivative beliefs.

Key: A = Awfulising, LFT = Low Frustration Tolerance, SD = Self Damning, OD = Other Damning

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Step 2

Question the validity of your unhealthy belief, using the following three criteria. Remember that an unhealthy belief is made up of the rigid belief and its derivatives. The disputing questions below are used on all of them.

a. Are they realistic or not and why?

b. Do they make sense or not and why?

c. Do they lead to helpful or unhelpful outcomes for me, and why?

Let’s assume your unhealthy belief was as follows:

Go ahead and dispute your unhealthy belief or beliefs.

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Step 3

a. Change your unhealthy belief and work out the healthy version by removing the rigidity and replacing it with the preference belief.

b. Remember to negate your unhealthy demand. For example, ‘I’d like people not to judge me as weak because I blushed BUT it doesn’t mean they mustn’t’.

c. Identify the derivative beliefs (Anti-awfulising, High Frustration Tolerance (HFT), Self/Other/World Acceptance. See page 7 as a reminder to what these mean.) Use the examples below as a guide.

d. Remember, preference beliefs are flexible, make sense and lead to a helpful outcome.

Key: A = Awfulising, LFT = Low Frustration Tolerance, SD = Self Damning, OD = Other Damning, AA = Anti Awfulising, HFT = High Frustration Tolerance, SA = Self Acceptance, OA = Other Acceptance

Go ahead and rewrite your beliefs in a healthy way.

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Step 4

Dispute your healthy beliefs using the same criteria used in disputing the unhealthy beliefs – this keeps it fair and you are more likely to persuade yourself to commit to changing them if you dispute the unhealthy and the healthy beliefs in exactly the same way.

Remember that a healthy belief is made up of a preference belief and its three balanced derivatives or a combination of them. The disputing questions below are used on all of them.

Go ahead and dispute your healthy belief and its balanced derivatives.

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Step 5

In order to change your shame/embarrassment provoking belief to a regret provoking one, you need to think in accordance with your healthy belief and take constructive actions. The illustrations demonstrate the thinking (cognitive consequences) and the action and action tendencies of regret. The constructive actions are based on the action tendencies of regret.

• Think and act in accordance with your healthy belief repeatedly and consistently in a forceful manner until eventually your emotional state changes from shame/embarrassment to a healthier one of regret.
• Remember your emotion of shame/embarrassment will change – the new way of thinking and the new actions you will implement will feel uncomfortable initially but this is completely natural. You are changing an old habit of unhealthy thinking and old habitual shame/embarrassment behaviours. It takes a few weeks of repetitions done consistently and forcefully.
• The behavioural goals you set for yourself need to be challenging but not overwhelming. If you overwhelm yourself then it defeats the object of the exercise.
• Start with imagining yourself thinking and acting in a healthy manner whilst being in the trigger situation until you think you are ready to challenge yourself in real life. For example, imagine yourself talking to your partner about sex whilst reciting your healthy belief in your head.
• Repeat your healthy belief in your head daily and particularly when you are imagining yourself in the trigger situation. This mental rehearsal will help you to remember it when you deliberately face the trigger situation in real life.
• Once you achieve your desired goal, whatever it is, then you need to maintain the helpful thinking and actions. For example, continue to challenge yourself by putting yourself in situations where it’s possible to experience negative judgement
• Review how you did, each time you challenge yourself, and then work out what you can do differently or better the next time. Then do it. Do not demand perfection from yourself. The process of moving from shame/embarrassment to regret is uncomfortable and uneven. Some days you will make bigger strides when you challenge yourself and other days you will make small strides or even take a step back. The important thing is to accept that this can happen and then bring your focus back to what you are doing and continue with it.
• Remember, you didn’t learn to drive a car, ride a bicycle or learn to read overnight, it takes repetition and focus and consistency.

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Chapter 7 – Shame – Takeaway Tips

Shame Attacking Exercises

If you really want to free yourself from the grips of shame/embarrassment and learn to accept yourself unconditionally as a fallible human being regardless of other people’s disapproval then you can engage in shame attack.

Shame attacking exercises involve you doing something that you would find shameful or embarrassing and then thinking in accordance with your healthy belief.

The following are examples of clients who committed to and engaged in shame attacking:

Example 1

The client was most anxious about the thought of fainting in a busy train carriage because the idea of other people’s judgement as ‘this person is odd and abnormal’ felt embarrassing. The shame attacking exercise involved the client pretending to faint by dropping to the floor in the carriage of the busy train and lying there whilst reciting ‘I really hope people are not judging me as abnormal for fainting but it doesn’t mean they mustn’t. If they do, it wouldn’t mean that I’m abnormal, I accept myself regardless.’

This was carried out a few times and each time the client ended up with a seat and some warm attention from some but not from everyone. Eventually, the client accepted that some people may judge you, others may be indifferent and some show concern for your well-being.

Example 2

A client had anxiety about vomiting in public. The thought of others being repulsed by him triggered intense embarrassment. He agreed to pretend to throw up in a carrier bag whilst sitting on the bus. The client reported that some people moved away, some people were indifferent and a few came over and checked that he was OK. He was reciting his healthy belief before, during and after the exercise.