CHAPTER 3

Anger and Annoyance

We will focus on the most common triggers for anger and discuss some types of anger that are also experienced by many people.

Anger

You will have experienced some form of anger at some point in your life. It is a common emotion but it can be divided into two types of anger: unhealthy anger and healthy anger or annoyance. We will use the word ‘anger’ to mean unhealthy anger and ‘annoyance’ to mean healthy anger from now on. The intensity of both types can vary. Under anger you can experience hostility and rage. Annoyance can vary from mild irritation to intense annoyance.

Anger can be dangerous to the self or to another person. Anger leads to short and long term effects on your mental and physical health.

In the Introduction, we talked about the three major MUSTs.

Most problems of anger stem from the second belief, that people MUST be a certain way. The first and second major MUSTs about the above triggers may result in anger with the self or anger with life and its hassles or anger with the world.

Expressing Anger

Anger can be expressed in different ways. It can be acted out immediately by shouting, throwing and breaking things and more dangerously by physical violence. Different people express their anger in different ways.

You may also suppress anger and then act in a passive aggressive manner by sulking, withdrawing, being obstructive, giving dirty looks, ignoring, manipulating, withholding information, making excuses and so on. A person behaving passive aggressively might not always show that they are angry. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly but underneath they will be feeling angry.

At other times, anger is suppressed and then released in an aggressive burst. People who internalise and suppress their feelings may self harm when they are angry. This may give temporary relief from angry feelings, but it doesn’t solve the problems in the long term and is destructive, which can lead to other emotional problems.

Unhelpful Strategies for Dealing with Anger

People deal with their anger in many different ways but unfortunately some of these strategies are not helpful in the long term. The following are examples of unhelpful solutions:

Anger Hurt

Anger hurt is a mixed emotion, felt when you think you have been treated unfairly or insensitively by someone you have an emotional connection with like a spouse, partner, friend, parent or sibling. The person feeling anger hurt usually notices and expresses the surface emotion of anger but by scraping this surface emotion we find that lurking deeper is hurt. The anger is triggered by an unhealthy belief about the other person and usually the other is judged as an uncaring, thoughtless, bad person for behaving in an unfair and insensitive manner but the hurt is triggered by an unhealthy belief about oneself. The hurt person rationalises and personalises the unfair or insensitive treatment as indicative that they are unlovable, worthless or not good enough.

Ego Defensive Anger

Ego defensive anger is when you perceive a threat to your self esteem. It is provoked when you receive criticism or when you think you have been criticised. The response is usually one of defensiveness and verbal attack. You may then withdraw and avoid the person you feel angry with. It is called ego defensive anger because if you acknowledge the criticism you would put yourself down for behaving in a manner that you absolutely MUST never do. The anger covers up the self damning belief. An example of a belief that provokes ego defensive anger is: ‘You absolutely should not have criticised me. Your criticism reminds me that I am a failure or inadequate.’

Common Anger Triggers

The following are common triggers for anger and hostility. It is by no means an exhaustive list but it may help you understand your own specific triggers. Remember they may be about your demands of yourself or of others or of life.

Tick the box to identify your anger triggers

Injustice

Unfairness

Disagreement

Insensitivity

Prejudices, e.g. religious, racial, gender, sexual orientation

Being ignored

Rudeness

Disrespect

Tone or manner of communication

Making mistakes

Not using talent

Losing out

Hurt feelings

Not being competent, intelligent, wise

Pain and suffering in the world

Lack of control, whether it’s managing to control your emotions, thoughts or behaviour

Pain – physical and emotional

Rejection

Emotional problems like anxiety and depression

Laziness

Lying

Not being listened to

Being let down

Someone not meeting your expectations

Suffering a blow to your self esteem or your place within a social group

Criticism

Misinformation

Abusive language/Insults

Life hassles such as traffic congestion, weather etc.

Humiliation, shaming, blaming

Physical threat to self or loved ones

Violation of your personal space Performance

Failure and disappointment

Lack of academic ability

Not understanding something

Other (write your own reason)

Am I Angry or Annoyed?

At the heart of your anger are unhealthy beliefs about

Such irrational beliefs not only provoke anger but they have a consequence on how you think (cognitive consequences), act or tend to act (action tendencies). When you feel anger, for example, your thoughts may be how deliberately malicious the other person is being and you may feel like attacking them verbally or physically.

Assess if you are angry or annoyed by checking your cognitive consequences and action tendencies. Look through the illustrations and work out if you are angry or annoyed. It is important to put yourself in the trigger situation when you felt cross. It is easy to think that you don’t have unhealthy beliefs and thoughts when you are no longer triggered. Imagine yourself in the trigger situation and then work out if you felt angry or annoyed.

Cognitive Consequences

Anger

You overestimate the extent to which the other person acted deliberately.

Cognitive Consequences

Annoyance

You do not overestimate the extent to which the other person acted deliberately.

Cognitive Consequences

Anger

You see malicious intent in the motives of others.

Cognitive Consequences

Annoyance

You don’t see malicious intent in the motives of others.

Cognitive Consequences

Anger

You see yourself as definitely right; you see others as definitely wrong.

Cognitive Consequences

Annoyance

You do not see yourself as definitely right and others as definitely wrong.

Cognitive Consequences

Anger

You are unable to see the other person’s point of view.

Cognitive Consequences

Annoyance

You are able to see the other person’s point of view.

Cognitive Consequences

Anger

You plot to exact revenge.

Cognitive Consequences

Annoyance

You do not plot to exact revenge.

Action/Action Tendencies

Anger

You attack the other person physically.

Action/Action Tendencies

Annoyance

You assert yourself.

Action/Action Tendencies

Anger

You attack the other person verbally.

Action/Action Tendencies

Annoyance

You request but do not demand behavioural change in the other person.

Action/Action Tendencies

Anger

You attack the other person passive aggressively.

Action/Action Tendencies

Annoyance

You do not attack the other person passive aggressively.

Action/Action Tendencies

Anger

You displace your feelings by taking it out on something else.

Action/Action Tendencies

Annoyance

You do not displace feelings.

Action/Action Tendencies

Anger

You withdraw aggressively.

Action/Action Tendencies

Annoyance

You do not withdraw aggressively.

Action/Action Tendencies

Anger

You recruit allies against the other person.

Action/Action Tendencies

Annoyance

You do not recruit allies against the other person.

Now … 

General Change or Philosophical Change for you?

General Change

Philosophical Change

Remember to take your time if you are choosing this route, as Philosophical Change is about changing your unhealthy beliefs over the long term.

Remember, anger is provoked by unhealthy beliefs about (i) experiencing frustration, (ii) you or another person breaking some personal rule of yours and (iii) a threat to your self esteem. An unhealthy belief is made up of absolutist rigid beliefs in the form of a MUST, HAVE TO, NEED TO, GOT TO, ABSOLUTELY SHOULD, from which three further derivative disturbed beliefs come.

A rigid unhealthy belief, at B, is a demand about the most anger provoking aspect of an event – it is either a demand for it to absolutely happen or absolutely not happen.

For example, if what you are most angry about is being ignored, then the rigid belief is you absolutely should not have ignored me. If what you are most angry about is being treated unfairly, then the rigid belief is you absolutely must treat me fairly. The consequences of not having the rigid belief met are any or a combination of the three derivative beliefs.

For example:

Step 1

a. Choose a typical example of your anger problem.

b. Use the previous Common Anger Triggers table as a reference to pinpoint what you were most angry about. You may have more than one trigger, which means you may have more than one anger provoking belief. Work on one belief at a time.

c. Express your answer to Question (b) above in the form of a ‘MUST’. (See previous examples.)

d. Identify the three derivative beliefs. (Awfulising, Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT), Self Damning. See page 5 as a reminder to what these mean.)

You may have all three derivatives or any combination of the three.

Remember to imagine yourself in the trigger situation when identifying these derivative beliefs.

Key: A = Awfulising, LFT = Low Frustration Tolerance, SD = Self Damning, OD = Other Damning

---

Step 2

Question the validity of your unhealthy belief, using the following three criteria. Remember that an unhealthy belief is made up of the rigid belief and its derivatives. The disputing questions below are used on all of them.

a. Are they realistic or not and why?

b. Do they make sense or not and why?

c. Do they lead to helpful or unhelpful outcomes for me, and why?

Let’s assume your unhealthy belief was as follows:

Go ahead and dispute your unhealthy belief or beliefs.

---

Step 3

a. Change your unhealthy belief and work out the healthy version by removing the rigidity and replacing it with the preference belief.

b. Remember to negate your unhealthy demand. For example, ‘I want to be treated fairly but I absolutely don’t have to be’.

c. Identify the derivative beliefs. (Anti-awfulising, High Frustration Tolerance (HFT), Self/Other/World Acceptance. See page 7 as a reminder to what these mean.) Use the examples below as a guide.

d. Remember, preference beliefs are flexible, make sense and lead to a helpful outcome.

Key: A = Awfulising, LFT = Low Frustration Tolerance, SD = Self Damning, OD = Other Damning, AA = Anti Awfulising, HFT = High Frustration Tolerance, SA = Self Acceptance, OA = Other Acceptance

Go ahead and rewrite your beliefs in a healthy way.

---

Step 4

Dispute your healthy beliefs using the same criteria used in disputing the unhealthy beliefs – this keeps it fair and you are more likely to persuade yourself to commit to changing them if you dispute the unhealthy and the healthy beliefs in exactly the same way.

Remember that a healthy belief is made up of a preference belief and its three balanced derivatives or a combination of them. The disputing questions below are used on all of them.

Go ahead and dispute your healthy belief and its balanced derivatives.

---

Step 5

In order to change your anger provoking belief to a healthy annoyance provoking one, you need to think in accordance with your healthy belief and take constructive actions. The illustrations demonstrate the thinking (cognitive consequences) and action tendencies of annoyance. The constructive actions are based on the action tendencies of annoyance.

• Think and act in accordance with your healthy belief repeatedly and consistently in a forceful manner until eventually your emotional state changes from anger to a healthy annoyance.
• Remember your emotion of anger will change – the new way of thinking and the new actions you will implement will feel uncomfortable initially but this is completely natural. You are changing an old habit of unhealthy thinking and old habitual angry behaviours. It takes a few weeks of repetitions done consistently and forcefully.
• The behavioural goals you set for yourself need to be challenging but not overwhelming. If you overwhelm yourself then it defeats the object of the exercise.
• Start with imagining yourself thinking and acting in a healthy manner whilst being in the trigger situation until you think you are ready to challenge yourself in real life. For example, imagining yourself in the anger provoking situation being assertive rather than aggressive is a good start. At some point you will need to take action and behave assertively in that same situation. You will then need to continue behaving assertively until you achieve your desired goal of communicating effectively.
• Repeat your healthy belief in your head daily and particularly when you are imagining yourself in the trigger situation. This mental rehearsal will help you to remember it when you deliberately face the trigger situation in real life.
• Once you achieve your desired goal, whatever it is, then you need to maintain the helpful thinking and actions. For example, if you achieve your goal of being assertive in the given situation, continue to act in this way.
• Review how you did, each time you challenge yourself, and then work out what you can do differently or better the next time. Then do it. Do not demand perfection from yourself. The process of moving from anger to annoyance is uncomfortable and uneven. Some days you will make bigger strides when you challenge yourself and other days you will make small strides or even take a step back. The important thing is to accept that this can happen and then bring your focus back to what you are doing and continue with it.
• Remember, you didn’t learn to drive a car, ride a bicycle or learn to read overnight, it takes repetition and focus and consistency.

---

Chapter 3 – Anger – Takeaway Tips

• Stop and think. When you start to feel the first tell-tale signs of anger stirrings, stop and think for a moment. Recite your healthy belief in your head. This will give you time to remember to think in a healthy manner.
• Remove yourself from the situation if you are overwhelmed with anger. If you feel you’re feeling extreme anger and feeling that you want to lash out at someone, remove yourself from the situation. Sit down and work out your unhealthy belief and dispute it.
• Resolve conflict or unresolved issues. This is helpful for you in the long term too. First go through the change process in this chapter.
• Express your feelings in the right way. When you feel frustrated or irritated, take ownership of your feelings and tell people ‘I’m feeling annoyed, frustrated about …’. Avoid expressions like ‘You make me so angry’, or ‘You are so rude’. Talk slowly and clearly and ask rather than make demands. You are more likely to be listened to this way.
• Good communication skills can help you get your message across. Keep the lines of communication open. Listen to other people’s point of view even if you don’t agree. Making assumptions without evidence can create a problem where there is none.