INTRODUCTION: STATE OF MIND
a.k.a.
STRAIGHT FROM THE DOME
Tommy:="9%" Good morning,
my man.
Dick:="9%" What’s up?
Well, besides me? I’ve been up for a while. I’m always up before
you.
Tommy:="9%" You got that
right. Fucking go back to sleep, would ya? Why do you have to wake
me up every morning? You know I like to sleep in.
Dick:="9%" I’m up because
I ="9%"want="9%" to be up. It has nothing
to do with you. You’re just attached to me, bro. This life you’re
living, it’s not about you, Tommy, it’s about me. From your first
trip to the bathroom in the morning to your last orgasm at night,
it’s all about me. I’m the ="9%"man,="9%"
bro. You’re the copilot. If it weren’t for me you’d sleep all day,
and then where would you be?
Tommy:="9%" I’d be nice
and rested.
Dick:="9%" You’d be
rested without a life. Listen, I’m busy enough, but you ="9%"know what? You should make me your road
manager, Tommy. I am the only one who can wake you up on
time.
Tommy:="9%" This is
insane. My own dick is busting my balls. ="9%"Dude!="9%" You can’t be my road manager,
you’re a ="9%"penis!="9%" Well... maybe
you’re right, a lot of road managers are dicks.
Dick:="9%" See what I
mean? Well, now that you’re awake, what are we doing today? Are the
strip clubs open yet? I can’t see the clock from here. Can we visit
Hef up at the Playboy Mansion and see what honeys are lying out at
the pool? I could use some sun.
Tommy:="9%" Sorry bud, no
strip clubs, no mansion. I’m writing my book today.
Dick:="9%" Oh really! So
are you going to come clean, tell the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Tommy:="9%" Yes, your
Honor. This book is going to be all truth, I promise you, whether
the world can handle it or not. But dude, you’re bringing back bad
memories with that court talk. Don’t you remember jail? Go easy, I
haven’t even had my coffee yet.
Dick:="9%" Okay, but I’m
glad you’re going to be honest, amigo. I’m glad you’re ready to
publicly admit that I’m ="9%"way="9%" more
famous than you. We both know that I’m the star and you’re the
personal assistant, that I’m Batman and you’re Robin.
Tommy:="9%" Bro, that is
so wrong.
Dick:="9%" Oh yeah? We
all have God-given gifts, and I’m yours. Do you really think people
want to read a book revealing what you think about every day? Those
romantic notions you have concerning life and living? Right. All
they want is me, me, and more me. If your body were a band, I’d be
the front man. And the front man always does the interviews. So
start taking dicktation. I’ll write this book myself.
Tommy:="9%" What the
fuck? Have you lost your mind? You’re in my pants most of the day!
I talk to the public, my man, and people want to hear what I have
to say. I’m the one up here making the moves, you just starred in
the movie. I’ve had a fucking crazy life and ="9%"yes, you’ve definitely done your part.
There’s no denying that, but you’re not all there is to me.
There’ll be plenty of sexy stuff you can cowrite with me. I could
use your help recalling some of our finer collaborations over the
years. But my man, I’m forty-one, I’ve lived a full life, and
there’s a lot to tell, a lot of which has nothing to do with you.
I’m the captain of this ship.
Dick:="9%" Whatever,
skipper. If that helps you get through the day, hold tight to that
notion. Just be sure to include this bit of truth: You owe your
entire life to me. I made it all happen for you.
Tommy:="9%" Are you
crazy?
Dick:="9%" No, ="9%"you’re="9%" crazy. I’m the cool, rational one
in this relationship. I know what I want and I know how to get it.
Fuck, I know what ="9%"you="9%" want and I
know how to get it. Tommy, my dear friend, you’re old enough to
know this by now: I have been behind every decision you’ve ever
made since second grade. I got you everything and everyone you’ve
ever had. Think about it. Heather Locklear? Pamela Anderson, and
way too many others to list? Joining your first rock band? Picking
up a drumstick? That was all me, my son. I planted those seeds and
I sowed plenty of them too. Fact is, I knew how to get us what we
wanted. There was no way I was going to wait around for you to
figure it out.
Tommy:="9%" Dude! I’m
going to put a fucking rubber on you if you don’t shut
up.
Dick:="9%" Whatever,
tough guy. No matter what you write in this book of yours, I
promise you, people will buy it for one reason: to find out how
long I really am.
Tommy:="9%" Dude! Please
shut up, I gotta do some work. It’s hard enough just remembering
the details of my life without you yappin’ at me. I’m not exactly
the kind of guy who’s kept a journal all these years. Listen, I’ll
write about you, I’ll even write with you, I promise. You’ll get
your props, you’ll get your airtime. When I’m out doing my book
tour, promoting this thing, doing signings, trust me, you’ll be
with me, and they’ll be asking me all about ="9%"you. And don’t even think about asking
Jay Leno for some couch time, because if you do, I’ll catch you in
my zipper right there in the greenroom during my preshow piss. But
listen, while I’m on the couch and you and the balls are sweatin’,
I’ll make sure I shift you into a comfortable position so the
camera captures your good side.
Dick:="9%" Bro, don’t
disrespect me. I’ve always been a fan of yours.
Tommy:="9%" Yeah, I’ve
always been a fan of yours too. But let’s get one thing straight. I
am the face man in this circus. This is ="9%"my="9%" life, this is ="9%"my="9%" story. You’re a big part of it, but
there is so much going on all the time. Life hands me new insanity
every day. Some of it is good, some of it is very, very good, and
some of it is pretty fucking bad. But, you know, I wouldn’t have it
any other way. I’ve had the highest highs and the lowest lows that
you can have in life. I’ve done some great things and I’ve made
some really big mistakes. And I take responsibility for all of it.
I’m telling you, people are going to learn the truth about me in
this book. They’re going to learn that when I do something,
anything at all, I always go big.
Dick:="9%" Uh-huh. Are
you done yet? You really can ramble. So let’s start this book off
right, with a chapter about groupies.
Tommy:="9%" Unbelievable!
Just go down, would you please? Let me start writing already. We’ll
cover that—don’t worry, you’ll have your chance to brag. Let’s get
this straight, I drive the boat, you just honk the horn,
remember?
Dick:="9%" Whatever,
captain.
THIS IS MY LIFE, THIS IS MY STORY.
