“I’m in love, man.”
Craig was sitting at the edge of his bed. It was a Saturday night, mid-November, and Perry had just finished writing a paper on Socrates’ belief that rational self-criticism could free the human mind from the bondage of illusion. He didn’t want to talk to his roommate about Nicole Werner.
“Great, man,” he said.
“I’m serious,” Craig said. “I know you think I’m an asshole, but—”
“Well, who’s to say an asshole can’t fall in love?”
Perry deliberately kept his back turned to Craig’s side of the room, hoping he’d take the hint.
“You’re not fooling me,” Craig said.
Perry couldn’t help it. He turned around. “Okay,” he said. “So, what is it I’m not fooling you about, Craig?”
“You’re in love with her, too. You’ve probably been in love with her since kindergarten or something. It galls you that I’m dating her. You’re going nuts.”
“Jesus Christ,” Perry said, leaning back, looking at the ceiling. “You’re so full of shit, Craig. You’d be saying that about anyone you were dating. You think the whole world’s just watching you, burning with envy. But you know what? News flash: We’re not.”
Craig snorted, as if Perry had confirmed his suspicions by denying them. It was one of the many, many infuriating things about his roommate. You could not win with Craig Clements-Rabbitt. You either confessed or you were lying.
“Look,” Perry said, and inhaled. “Even if I’d been madly in love with Nicole Werner since kindergarten, I’d have fallen out of love with her by the time I realized she was stupid enough to date someone like you—not to mention this sorority bullshit, which seems about as stupid as it’s humanly possible to get.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Craig asked.
Perry shook his head.
“Huh?” Craig prodded.
“Forget it,” Perry said.
“So she likes her sorority, Perry. I think it’s cute. You have to admit, she looks incredible in a string of pearls. And that was one helluva float they decorated for Homecoming.”
“If you say so.”
“I say so. And you know so.”
“What happened to all your cynicism, man?”
“Well, then I fell in love with Nicole Werner. Just like you did, back in Bad Ass.”
“Jesus Christ,” Perry said. “Why do we have to talk about this? Why do we have to talk at all.”
“Because you won’t admit it to me, or to yourself. You’re in love with Nicole.”
Perry tossed up his hands. “Okay, Craig. Okay. If I ‘admit’ I’m in love with your girlfriend, will you shut the fuck up? Will that make you feel like a Big Man? Like the Big Campus Stud with the girl we’d all die to get our hands on?”
“How about you admit it first, and I’ll decide after that?”
“Okay,” Perry said, and cleared his throat, rolled his eyes heavenward. “Let me see. The first time I saw Nicole Werner in Mrs. Bell’s kindergarten classroom, clutching a crayon in one hand and a piece of construction paper in the other, I thought to myself, There’s the only girl I’ll ever love. I sure as hell hope she doesn’t end up dating my roommate in college, because then I’ll have to kill myself.”
Craig nodded. “I knew it,” he said.
“So, you’re going to shut up now?”
“No,” Craig said, and he went on to tell Perry about their date that night. Pizza at Knockout’s. Hours afterward at Starbucks, holding hands. A long walk across the Commons in a bright, sparkling snow. He’d walked her back to her room, and kissed her outside her door.
“Did I tell you yet that I’m in love?” he asked Perry.
“I think you might have mentioned that,” Perry said.