CHAPTER 25

EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Geliophobia is the fear of laughter.

Five exposed bulbs burned brightly on the ceiling of the bunker, illuminating every nook and cranny. In the center of the room was a mass of old rusty cabinets stacked high with betting forms, books, and papers. In the corner there was a ladder mounted on the wall that led to a submarine hatch on the ceiling.

Clearly, it wasn’t the desk, papers, or books that set the children off, but something far more sinister. Mounted on a copper plate behind the cabinets was a recognizable face, a friend. His sagging brown eyes and exaggerated underbite were unmistakable. Macaroni.

“Mac,” Garrison muttered, defeated.

“Macaroni. How could he?” Theo said as he began to weep.

“I don’t understand. This doesn’t make any sense. He needs Mac to get the money,” Lulu said logically.

“And how’d he stuff and mount him so quickly?” Garrison asked suspiciously as he approached the wall.

“A reputable taxidermist takes nine to twelve months, not nine to twelve minutes,” Madeleine added. “Not to mention, where’s the body?”

“It’s not Macaroni,” Garrison said from below the taxidermy head. “It’s Cheese.”

“What is Cheese doing in here?” Theo squawked.

“He’s dead,” Lulu added sarcastically. “That’s his stuffed head on the wall.”

“Do you think Munchauser killed him?” Theo asked with fear brimming over in his eyes.

“Maybe he just likes the way stuffed heads look on the wall. My granny has a couple of deer heads at her country home. I’ve always found them rather distasteful, but to each their own,” Madeleine explained.

“We don’t have time to stand around here and figure out why Munchauser has a stuffed dog head on the wall. We need to get Mac back,” Garrison said powerfully, “before he ends up looking like that.”

After unscrewing the submarine hatch, Garrison led the others out of Munchauser’s dungeon. The hatch was wedged between the start of the gray cobblestone road and the granite mountain, which housed Summerstone. Just as the children remembered from their trip with the sheriff, vines grew from one side of the forest to the other, encapsulating the road in foliage. Without the security of traveling in a vehicle, the forest’s dark and dense overgrowth appeared particularly sinister.

“The sooner we start, the sooner we’ll get out of here,” Lulu said, starting down the road. “And I don’t know about you, but this place creeps me out.”

“As long as we stay on the road, we’ll be fine,” Garrison reminded the group.

“I’m walking in the middle. I don’t want to get too close to the forest,” Theo said before lowering his voice, “because you know who lives in there.”

“Schmidty said Abernathy won’t bother us as long as we stay out of the forest and I’m not going in there,” Garrison said while surpassing Lulu and taking the lead.

“Do you hear that?” Madeleine said frantically while drenching herself in repellent. “Insects! Bugs! They’re talking to each other, preparing to swarm!”

“I don’t hear anything,” Lulu said. “Maybe chattering from the squirrels, but that’s it.”

“A swarm is coming! Do you hear me, people? A plague!” Madeleine screamed.

“A plague?” Theo asked. “Nothing good is ever attached to a plague. There’s never a happiness plague or a safety plague. Always bad stuff. Anyone remember the bubonic plague?”

“Madeleine,” Garrison said firmly, “You need to get ahold of yourself. There is no swarm, no plague, nothing.”

“But that sound!” Madeleine railed on hysterically. “Don’t you hear it? Surely, you must. It’s getting louder by the second!”

“There is no sound!” Garrison said harshly. “It’s in your head. You need to get a grip before you give Theo and yourself a heart attack!”

“They’re coming,” Madeleine said with tears in her eyes. “I can hear them buzzing toward me, preparing to attack at any second.”

“Guys,” Theo said to Garrison and Lulu. “She looks pretty certain. Maybe we should listen to her. Maybe a plague really is coming and she’s more tuned in from all her years of avoiding the outdoors. She’s like a superhero with an extra sense, a bug sense. Do you understand what I am saying?”

“No,” Lulu said definitively, “I absolutely do not understand what you are saying or thinking or …”

“They’re here!” Madeleine hollered, immediately breaking into a frenetic, awkward run that included shaking her arms and legs while coating her body with repellent.

While Theo hadn’t seen who “they” were, his instincts told him to run, so that’s exactly what he did.

“You have got to be kidding me? Fireflies? That’s the plague that’s coming?” Lulu said while stifling her laughter. “You would have thought insects had bred with spiders the way she was screaming.”

“Don’t joke about spidsects!” Madeleine shouted at Lulu. “It’s blasphemous!”

“In fairness to Maddie,” Garrison said, feeling particularly guilty for having been so dismissive earlier, “I’ve never seen fireflies travel in such a tight pack before. I guess it could be kind of freaky if you’re not prepared for it.”

“I think they’re pretty, kind of like a comet,” Theo said while watching a small pack disappear back into the forest.

“Pretty? Ha! Do they have antennae? Multiple legs? Sticky feet? Hairy bodies?” Madeleine asked pointedly.

“Don’t worry,” Theo said calmly, “It’s not like they can sneak up on you. They have lights on their backs.”

“I suppose that’s true,” Madeleine acquiesced while looking cautiously around her, “but I still wouldn’t call them pretty.”

The cobblestone road twisted tightly with hairpin curves, obstructing the group’s ability to see more than twenty feet ahead of them. With that in mind, it was rather fortuitous that Garrison, Madeleine, Lulu, and Theo were enjoying a silent stretch when they turned the corner. Purple was all they had to see to know it was Munchauser. No one else wore purple suits in Massachusetts or, more aptly, all of New England.

After years on the field, Garrison’s strategic instincts were well honed. He immediately crouched down behind one of the multitude of signs warning against entering the forest, signaling the others to follow suit. Munchauser’s gnarled ugly face contorted with annoyance as he tried to pull Macaroni off the dirt shoulder. Clearly, he wasn’t aware of the dog’s distaste for the feel of cobblestone on his paws.

With one hand holding the leash, Munchauser dug deep into the leather satchel and pulled out a sandwich.

“Oh no,” Theo whispered to Lulu. “What’s he going to do to the sandwich?”

“You’re worried about the sandwich? What is wrong with you?” Lulu responded.

“No, I was just wondering. Of course, I’m more worried about Macaroni … it was just a question.”

“Shhh,” Garrison hushed them as Munchauser attempted to lure Macaroni onto the road with the promise of a cheese sandwich.

“Lulu, Theo, you guys stay here. Maddie and I are going to cross the street. When I give you the signal, we’re going to rush him. Try and get ahead of him so we can angle him against the forest.”

“That’s your best play? Rushing him? He’s a giant purple monster and we’re going to rush him?” Lulu asked with attitude.

“Do you have a better idea?” Garrison asked.

“Maybe,” Lulu scoffed while Garrison held her gaze.

“Well?”

“Um, I’m thinking … we could … rush him,” Lulu finally relented.

“That’s what I thought,” Garrison said with a smirk.

“That’s what I thought,” Lulu mimicked as Garrison and Madeleine crouched down to cross the road.

“Mimicking doesn’t suit you, kind of like the color yellow,” Theo whispered, to which Lulu could only roll her eyes.

Close to the forest’s foliage, Madeleine instinctively began spraying. She was far too close to trees where insects, bugs, and spiders resided not to take every precaution available to her. Obviously, not all the creatures were gracious enough to come with a light on their backs; she needed to be ready for the covert operatives.

The sound of Madeleine’s repellent was oddly familiar to Munchauser, prompting him to look up from Macaroni. Garrison threw himself on top of Madeleine, immediately drowning out the sound. As much as she loathed being stopped from dousing herself, this was the closest the two had come to hugging, and Madeleine rather enjoyed it. While she was always grateful for her veil, she was extraordinarily grateful in this moment, for it kept Garrison from seeing her crimson face.

“Five meatball sandwiches if you take one step onto this road. None of that kibble junk. I’m talking real ground beef; all you have to do is take one lousy step onto the road,” Munchauser said through gritted teeth as he yanked at the dog’s leash. “Do you know how many dogs would kill for ground beef? Do you? I bet you one million dollars you don’t know how many dogs would kill for it. And don’t worry, if you’re wrong, I’ll just take it out of your trust fund,” Munchauser cackled to himself.

Garrison watched Munchauser closely, nervous that his feeble plan might not work. Lulu was right; it was hardly a very smart or cunning approach. On the other hand, it was the only plan they had. Garrison threw down his arm, signaling the others that it was time. Lulu and Theo took off first, attempting to get ahead of Munchauser on the road. Unfortunately, Theo’s loud footsteps on the cobblestone immediately signaled their presence.

“Give us back our sandwich!” Theo screamed.

“Theo!” Lulu yelled.

“I mean dog! Give us back our dog!”

Garrison and Madeleine ran directly toward Munchauser, who was now attempting to lift the portly Macaroni. Theo and Lulu continued charging ahead as well. The plan appeared to have a chance at working when something tan, black, and furry descended en masse. It seemed that the flurry of running and yelling had disturbed a clan of squirrels. Almost straightaway, the squirrels went into battle mode, dive bombs and all. They courageously flung their bodies out of the trees, chattering loudly as they descended through the air.

Lulu was first to be hit, with one landing directly on her face. Madeleine screamed with terror as two squirrels clung viciously to her veil with their teeth. As the squirrels pulled, Madeleine fought hard. She had absolutely no intention of letting her veil go without a brawl. It was only the arrival of a third and borderline obese squirrel that proved more than she could handle. The squirrels won, jumping to the ground with her precious veil in their mouths. Within seconds, the veil disappeared into the forest while Madeleine stood dumbstruck.

Garrison managed to pull two squirrels from Theo’s back while removing a particularly determined one from his own head. It was only after the squirrel mania had died down that they realized Munchauser was gone.