Blubber

THE PROBLEM:

While consumption of whale meat among older Japanese has remained at satisfactory levels, consumption among the younger generation, susceptible to international whale-lobby disinformation about alleged “endangerment” of world whale stocks, has fallen off drastically. Groups of young Japanese are even being lured to Hawaii, where instead of playing golf they participate in offshore whale-watching parties, and they return home to disseminate pro-whale sentiment and dissuade their peers from eating whale meat.

THE SOLUTION:

An immediate and all-out information campaign targeting the under-thirty Japanese, to show the new generation that eating whale meat is not only nutritious and healthful but also “cool.”

THE STRATEGY:

To bypass ordinary advertising methods, which the media-savvy younger generation regards with suspicion, and to develop dramatic and documentary television programs and specials that will bring about a real “sea change” in attitudes toward the true nature of whales. Specifically:

Situation Comedy:

The Harpooneers, a hilarious series about the antics of the wacky but brave crew of the whale ship Minke Business. Sample episode: After a grueling six-month whale-gathering mission, the good ship M.B. is on its way back to Yokohama in time for the big dance, but the young crew members have all broken out in pimples and are ashamed of showing themselves to the pretty young port girls. Fortunately, the wise, fatherly Bos’n Kikkoman knows that whale meat is an ancient cure for unsightly acne. He advises the youngsters to eat plenty of whale meat. They receive this advice respectfully and, sure enough, their pimples disappear just as the ship pulls into Yokohama. As the crew files down the gangplank, the girls cry out, “What fine skin they all have! We cannot wait to have sex with them!”

Public Affairs:

Devils of the Deep! Narrated by Leonard Nimoy (if we cannot get him, we will get someone who looks like him), this series will expose the whale for what it is: a large, ugly nuisance that only a gaijin could love.

Who Cries for the Krill? A shocking, heartrending documentary about the alarming depletion of the world krill supply caused by the irresponsible eco-gluttony of the blue whale, which has enjoyed “protected status” since 1966. The krill, the most gentle of the creatures of the sea, faces virtual extinction, with dire consequences for the world’s food. Using a special new underwater “krill-cam” developed expressly for this investigation, the documentary will feature twenty-four hours in the harrowing life of a krill as it is pursued across the South Pacific by a so-called “gentle giant of the sea.”

Ahab’s Children. Real-life interviews with people who have lost limbs to whales.

Exxon Valdez: The Untold Story. This fresh look at the 1989 tanker “grounding” uncovers shocking new evidence suggesting that the fateful Alaska oil spill was not the work of a drunken captain and a submerged rock but, rather, a whale’s coolly calculated revenge upon the sea otters of Prince William Sound.

Mega-Waste: The Coming Crisis. A frightening documentary that demonstrates what scientists have long suspected: if present whale excretions continue unchecked, the world’s oceans will rise twenty-five feet by the year 2000, causing unimaginable global havoc. A family in low-lying Bangladesh expresses its hope that the international whaling community will not stand idly by as this tragedy gathers critical mass.

Mammals, Schmammals. A controversial cetologist (to be determined) reveals that these so-called ocean monarchs are really fish after all, and feel absolutely no pain when harpooned.

—The New Yorker, 1993