The Siberian
Candidate:
The Hunt for Red
in October
LARRY KING: What do you make of the Clinton Moscow trip
thing?
GEORGE BUSH:
I don’t want to tell you what I really think.
—Larry King Show, October 7
KGB Moscow
Topski Secretski
Eyeski Only
File on American Mole W. Clinton
Codename “Elvis”
January 1970: Subject is lured to make visit of Soviet Union by our Oxford agent who tells him about “exciting” Moscow girls. Subject extremely eager to make visit but says he has spent all his money on Elvis records. Tickets and money arranged by Oxford agent as part of “international youth understanding exchange” program.
Subject arrives Moscow December, 1969, immediately demands to see exciting Moscow girls. Agent 38-22-36 is assigned to case. Reports immediate success, says subject will enthusiastically work to undermine U.S. imperialism and promote World Socialism as long as Agent 38-22-36 can be his control officer. Is given Deep Cover code-name “ELVIS” after decadent American singer. Agrees to keep top KGB Directorate regularly supplied with disgusting Elvis record albums.
ELVIS is told to foment anti-U.S. sentiment at Oxford. Unfortunately, he displays tendency to give long speeches, causing anti-U.S. crowds to disperse in direction of nearest pubs. Is insistent that Agent 38-22-36 make regular visits to “debrief” him.
ELVIS is urged to go home, join U.S. military, rise through the ranks and become chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff. Plan fails when he reveals he has taken elaborate and irreversible steps to avoid any kind of military service, even Coast Guard. Demands to see Agent 38-22-36. She is sent to Oxford. ELVIS tells her that he was careful to retain his “viability within the [American political] system.”
1970: Returns to United States. Enrollment in Yale Law School is easily arranged through our many high-level agents at Yale. Is told to foment anti-U.S. sentiment at Yale. Reports that Yale is already extremely anti-U.S., demands meeting with Agent 38-22-36.
1973: Is told to enter government and undermine proletariat’s confidence in U.S. government. Reports that proletariat already thoroughly disgusted by U.S. government but will run for Congress anyway—from Arkansas, militarily and otherwise insignificant state west of Mississippi River. Loses.
1979: Becomes governor. Is urged to ignite anger of the proletariat by raising their taxes.
1981: Succeeds too brilliantly in igniting anger of the proletariat and loses reelection. West Mississippi Region KGB resident directed to begin disinformation campaign blaming loss on his wife.
1983: OPERATION PILLORY HILLARY successful. ELVIS reelected. Is instructed to anger proletariat more carefully this time. Also instructed to pollute American watershed by urging local industrialist tools to divert massive amounts of fecal coliform bacteria into Arkansas River.
July 1988: Our many agents within the U.S. Democratic Party arrange for ELVIS to make “keynote” speech at National Convention. A special team of experts from Moscow Institute of Rhetorical Brevity is infiltrated into Little Rock by Soviet submarine to urge him to keep speech short.
Effort fails spectacularly. Prospects for advancement to higher levels of U.S. government in serious doubt. Crew of Soviet infiltration submarine dies from exposure to fecal coliform bacteria. Awarded Order of Lenin posthumously in private ceremony.
March 1992: Prospects improve as American Democratic electorate decides not to nominate another Greek, this one with health problems.
KGB telephone surveillance tape of intimate conversation between ELVIS and unidentified female sex partner is sold by disreputable KGB clerk to U.S. “tabloid paper” for blue jeans and Morgan Fairchild stress-management video. Big problems. Special polygraph-defeating unit is infiltrated into Little Rock by Soviet submarine just in case. Submarine crew mutinies when they discover they are surrounded by toxic chicken excretions in Arkansas River; force submarine commander to turn back.
Americans decide they don’t care about female sex partner, only economy. Submarine crew shot.
October 1992: Big Problem: Reactionary Rep. Robert “Mad Bob” Dornan reveals existence of 1970 Elvis trip to Moscow. U.S. press discovers that one of our many agents in the U.S. State Department has removed incriminating pages from ELVIS’s passport file with evidence of 1969 Moscow trip. American FBI investigating.
Top KGB Directorate meets to decide whether to “burn” ELVIS before he is “blown” as a Soviet mole. Some say, “We’re not communists now. Why do we need a mole anymore in U.S.?” Others say “Are you crazy? I give Yeltsin six months, then—Stalin again. Go for it.”
Two decisions are reached: (1) dispatch Special Unit from the Moscow Institute for Rhetorical Brevity to Debates, this time by parachutes from airplane; (2) destroy this file, which a disreputable KGB clerk could sell to the U.S. press for CD players and Madonna books.
—Los Angeles Times, 1992