As I mentioned in my acknowledgments, while my previous title, Sexaholics, was about the oversexed, this title, Sixty-Nine, is about the undersexed.
Sixty-Nine is not about the literal sexual position, 69; it is about three undersexed women, Magnolia, Rebe, and Darla, who were all born in 1969, and who are about to turn the big 4-0. They are dissatisfied with their lives in general; more specifically, when it comes to sex, they yearn to live their sexy dreams.
I watched The Oprah Winfrey Show a while back when she had as a guest a sex therapist named Dr. Laura Berman who talked about sexual problems in women. Some women do not have orgasms and they fake it with their men, who are sometimes none the wiser because often those men tend to get theirs, so that’s all he wrote. There are some women who have little, tiny, non-earth-shattering orgasms that don’t quite live up to what they see in porno movies, or hear about from their sexual-creature-like friends. Some women get very close to having the big O, but get stuck and hold back because of a thought that creeps into their heads that tells them they’re trashy or slutty for feeling so good.
Orgasms are both physical and mental, and though some women really do have medical reasons that affect their libido and their ability to experience an orgasm—usually involving their pelvic floor or blood flow, or as a side effect to certain medications—a lot of women fall into the one basic sex trap that I feel so strongly about dispelling. The thought that we’ve bought into from the time we were little, that sex is dirty.
As some of you may know from reading my first Pynk book, Erotic City, that’s the main reason why I decided to write erotica, to hopefully educate through fiction.
While I definitely believe that moderation is key, because we must have boundaries and not run off hog wild, so to speak, it is my desire to contribute in some way to the liberation of women and show all sides of sex, good and bad. But in the long run, I hope my books encourage women to love their bodies and feel good about reading scenes that turn them on so tough they can’t wait to get home and take care of themselves, and/or pounce on their mates. I hope my writing teaches women about what healthy sex should be. Sometimes you learn that by reading about what healthy sex is not. To read erotica is not sinful, and it is my desire that the guilt so many of us women feel will eventually be shattered to pieces.
We must learn to tell the truth about how we feel about sex and about what we think about sex, and figure out where those bad thoughts came from. Also, as Milan Kennedy, the main character in Erotic City, stated, “Women have wet dreams, too.” We cannot be afraid to ask for what we want in and out of bed. We women are not second-class citizens. Nor are we sex objects.
All in all, views about sex are sometimes deemed to be issues of morality, and issues of sexism.
I’d like women to learn to be what I call sex-see…seeing sex in a whole new way, mentally, visually, and physically.
After all, we are sensual and sexual beings. We are allowed to experience sexual pleasure. We have to let go of negative messages about sex among consenting adults—negative messages that tell us sex is wrong. I believe we can make a conscious decision to dispel those messages that breed guilt.
I’m talking about safe sex. Yes, there are prices to be paid relating to teen pregnancy and HIV, etc. You are responsible for yourself. Make good decisions based on who you are. And take in the rest as learning tools. When in Rome, don’t necessarily do as the Romans do, unless you think it’s the best decision for you. Most importantly, love yourself first.
If you are fearful and keep thinking you shouldn’t talk in bed or let go and enjoy your orgasm, ask yourself what it is that you’re afraid of. We all had messages about sex when we were growing up. Most times, if sex was brought up, we were told it was vulgar and not acceptable, especially when we were young girls. And we were told we shouldn’t talk about it. We got dressed up and went to church, and the information we came away with was that sex should only be experienced for purposes of procreation. I know that’s how my parents raised me, even though my mother was more liberated than most. Back then, parents who wanted their daughters to remain virgins until marriage surely had good intentions, but the other side of the coin is to encourage safe sex because most of the time, teens are going to do it anyway (I know I did), yet still feel guilty afterward, and that’s when, in my opinion, the confusion starts. The more you tell someone they can’t do something, the more they want to do it, kind of like the Adam and Eve theory. And from a biblical standpoint, it’s all about our own individual interpretations; however, that’s a different conversation.
Now back to the orgasm! :) The sex therapist on Oprah said that when you’re about to experience your own orgasm, if you hold yourself back because of the negative voices from your past, you will cheat yourself and disallow the erotic experience of a burst of a beautiful, euphoric, intense pleasure rolling through your body that, from a physiological standpoint, can bond you to your partner just because of the pheromones produced from the rush itself. That is a proven fact. I know there are some women who, even though they may not hear the negative voices from the past, still hold back because the sensation is so strong they get scared and freeze up. I’m there with you. I can surely understand that!
If you’re one of the many women who have repressed feelings about sex, and you feel you’re too frigid and rigid in bed, maybe you need to think about what you can do to begin to let go of the embarrassing and shameful ties that bind. Refuse to carry those old messages and voices in your head that tell you sex is lewd, immoral, and improper. If necessary, think in terms of experiencing romance with your partner, as opposed to quickies, so that you can take the time to really excite yourself and your mate. Take the time to talk about each other’s erogenous zones. Make foreplay last longer, starting with a sex text early in the day. Tell yourself you deserve to be pleasured, that it’s good and loving, and that you’ll still be a nice girl and a respectable lady in the morning. Remember: it’s women who ask men, “Will you respect me in the morning?” Why is it men never ask women that?
Anyway, think in terms of nonmissionary, and feel free to masturbate healthily if you so desire. Masturbating in moderation is not slutty either.
Train yourself to replace the outdated messages with new ones. It’s called a sexual adjustment. Remember, you are a sensual and sexual woman, and you’re allowed to experience a happy and fulfilling sex life as a private, personal choice.
While you turn the pages to get to know the characters in Sixty-Nine as they struggle to escape from their undersexed worlds, keep in mind that these three coming-of-age women make conscious decisions to explore erotic sides of themselves they never knew existed. I call it sexploration.
The bottom line is that Sixty-Nine is a liberating story about sisterhood and friendship, and about how our past experiences and beliefs can influence our views about life, and about sex. How shame and dysfunction and abuse can keep us repressed. And how guilt can keep us from truly viewing sex as a pleasurable act. Sixty-Nine is a novel about going beyond one’s self-inflicted boundaries to fully experience true sensuality. But, by taking these risks, one never knows what lies on the other side of our comfort zones. The comfort zone that protected us from our fears of abandonment, negative self-image, broken hearts, being seen as whorish, being rejected and ashamed. Feelings that meant we’d rather be alone than intimate and vulnerable. Though it is true that in some cases, if one is irresponsible, one may find that some things are better left alone.
So, my dear readers, please enjoy my girls, Magnolia, Rebe, and Darla as they find out what it’s like to go beyond the missionary, and experience the erotic edge of a real-life sixty-nine.